share some thoughts

If I feel helpless, then how do they feel?

2010-02-24T20:34:00.002+02:00

All I can say is :Offawed amry ila Allah, and may God forgive us for our weaknesses, and show us the path, give us the guidance and strength to do what is right.

I am talking about Gaza.... and as I feel for them,.... I have to be totally honest, that a part of my anguish now, is the fear for us and Egypt. The fear that we have let our brothers down, and hence ourselves. that we have sold our souls, and for what? money... Allah el G
for fear of who? Israel and US? what happened to doing what is right and counting on Allah for deliverance. Why this wall? that is causing anguish to Gazans? a foul traitorous reputation for Egypt among all Arabs? that is causing shame among Egyptians?
if the point of the wall is to pressure hamas to reconcile with fatah... that would not be wise..... forcing people to reconcile under the pressure of humiliation and hunger is immoral... not to mention unproductive!

If you so insist on having this wall... although if the decision is open to the egyptians, i am sure we would find another answer.... so i guess that they won't be asked..... then at least open the border! if the borders were open and controlled, we would not have this dilemma in the first place.

I know a lot of Egyptians feel this way.... but inside me... I know that just feeling this way... and wishing things were different... is not enough. I feel there is something else we can do... so at least we can go to sleep with a clear conscience... that we have done everything we could.

I feel like there is this blind spot in front of my eyes... like the answer is right there and I can not see it. I do not know why I can't see it... something tells me my sub conscience is blinding me.. for fear of loss of some comfort... or weakness or plain old cowardice that might be lurking somewhere inside each one of us. I Pray Allah would forgive us, help us... guide us.... make us rise and shake off the decades' worth of apathy and timidity... give us strength and purpose to do what is right. and may Allah make our efforts successful . And may Allah help our fellow Palestenians, and all Muslims, Egyptians and Arabs. Amen

Obamania

2008-11-08T14:39:00.002+02:00

Congratulations to the American People on their election of Barack Obama. You should be proud. Obamania or just overwhelming support and rooting for obama indeed is a global phenomenon. surprisingly, more globally than in the US itself. Myself and family included. Maybe because people who are not actually going to vote, have more freedom to follow that "gut feeling". Americans obviously have to sometimes intentionally put their gut feelings aside, and sit and calculate their taxes and decide if it would serve them best to elect this person.

My gut feeling, was that I really like this person. I fist watched him by complete coincidence, while just flipping the channel to CNN, and saw this guy get up in a cold Chicago day and announce that he was running for president, about 21 months ago. Now I had no idea yet who he was, and what his ideas and standings were, but he instantly clicked somewhere inside me. Something inside me just absolutely accepted him. I had followed and cheered his campaign ever since. During the primaries, and in the general election. I am glad that what I saw from him after that day only validated my initial impression. I was absolutely surprised at myself for being so caught up in this, when he is not even running in my country. But seeing other people all over the world do it too, kind of dampened my doubts about my own sanity. :)

I guess, when you see someone who appears to follow and aspire to alot of the values that you do too, you can not help but cheer for them, wether it directly invloves you or not. I hope that he continues to validate our faith in him as a basically good person over the next few years.

But putting Barack Obama himself aside for just a moment, I really believe the American people are the real winners today. Because they followed hope rather than fear, embraced change, and in doing so, silently revolting against all that the Bush administration did to mar their ideals these past few years. in doing so, they have risen above, and again rekindled their American dream. It is still alive.

I miss you guys.... so much

2008-09-29T01:30:00.002+02:00

God I miss them... never thought I would miss them so much. Actually, come to think of it, I probably never thought of it, I always took it for granted that they would be around.... stupid stupid me. So I never really got around to wonder how much I would miss them when they are not around for God knows how long

All I can feel is that I miss them. So much. I just keep saying it. that i miss them, because bottling it up does not feel good. I even miss the things that used to bother me so much. I miss Hana waking me up at 6 am when i had just gone to sleep, so that I can get her the disney channel. I miss Ibrahim's kicking me in bed when he has a bad dream. (I used to sometimes carry him after he falls asleep and put him on the couch... why would I do that)? I miss them calling me all times of the day, whether i am at work or not, asking for attention and just talking. lately, right before they left, I had gotten busy, so I almost never went over as often as before. And God bless them , they always used to ask to come and spend the night with me.

I miss making them french toast in the morning. and solving the I spy riddle book with Ibrahim before he went to bed. and playing Age of Empires with him. All the saved games are called : Ibrahim and Doody. :( I love you little partner Buddy

I miss wathcing according to Jim with hana, and trying to gloss over the adult talk they say, when she asks me what they mean. I miss fighting with her to brush her hair. I miss hugging Ibrahim. I really miss his hugs. that little boy has such a tender loving hug.

It is not normal to be this attached to your niece and nephew right? it is just that.... I don't know.... they spent so much time with me... and Ibrahim has slept in my bed so many times, and Hana was born on my birthday.... and we share that. we always do something, me and her on our birthday. we sometimes go out... me and her... the birtday girls. and i always get to have cake on my birthday, as there is always cake for her,..... now who am i gonna share my birthday with? will it only be my birthday now... like other people? like it was before she was born. I know is sounds childish... but i do not wanna go back. I liked sharing my birthday with me niece. we would call each other and telll each othr happy birthday. this year she will be six on her/my/our Birthday. Oh, God now I am crying. I just miss them. It is not like writing about it will make them come home will it?

So I miss them. And I hope and pray that I can see them soon. the other day... I was telling Ibrahim that i missed him... and he gave me a simple: you can come. and you can sleep in my bed. and my uncle can find you a job here in the states. and maybe you can get a house here too.

I told him that I have a lot of commitments here... I can't live there,,, so he suggests that i rent a house instead of buying one. That boy is... smart? they say absence makes the heart grow fonder right? well, if it gets any fonder than this.... It just might explode. And now all they speak is English. I try to talk to them in arabic on the phone... but they just respond in english. I guess part of them wants to adapt to society, where everyone speaks English. But, it just makes them so different. not the Ibrahim and Hana that i know. they use new phrases now. new expressions. they haven't been there for 4 months even. But in the life of a small child that is a lot of change. I feel like i am missing out on that.

Guys I miss you. I know you do not read my blog.... but I had to say it somewhere, and if i keep saying it to you.... you might feel suffocated. kids don't like overwhelming drama. so i spare you. and play it cool when i talk to you, and just ask how school was and such. But guys.... I really really love you..... and I really really miss you.

....mmm... so have you gained weight?

2008-08-12T16:22:00.002+03:00

yeah... a question that people do not think about twice... they see someone they know who looks like they have put on a few kilos... and they seem to think that they need to ... i don't know, remind them? make sure? check the facts?

why do people ask that. really. don't you think that someone who has gained weight has noticed? they don't need everyone they meet to point it out to them.. or at least point out that they have noticed.

it is frustrating really, and definitely suffocating. khalas, you gained weight, you know it, and you probably want to lose it. how and when you do it. As long as it is moderate and not health threatening, why the hell does anyone care? what do they expect the answer to be ...:

Q: hey, have you gained weight?
A: yes, i have actually, thanks for noticing

or

A: no not really, these pants just make me look fat

or

A: (in shame) yeah, "I tried to hide it.... but the problem has become obvious, the cat is out of the bag.... I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT!

Imean. what do people hope to accomplish by telling someone that has gained some weight that , yes indeed they did indeed gain weight, and eveyone noticed

If someone has a bad hair day, do you go around telling thm: hey your hair does not look so great. or hey; you have a zit on your face.... etc etc of the obviously impolite things to say to someone to bring them down and like... i don't know destroy their ego a bit.

Yeah so what brought about this angry ramble of mine... well you guessed it.... I gained some weight... maybe 5 kilos or something, nothing drastic, just a bit noticable. and yes , I like it when I am thinner, and yes, Ido want to lose those 5 kilos. guess what... it is not as easy as it sounds, because, basically , I hate diets, I do not think I have ever seriously gone on one. I would go to a level of "taking care" as in getting one scoop of icecream instead of 2, or getting a diet soda instead of a regular one, but basically that is it. I am not big on diets. and I get cranky when I am hungry or sugar deprived.

But thankyou to all who are concerned so much, but stop telling me. ok I know. I know. repetition of something does not make the fact any different. we were having this gathering a while back, and about 3 different people pointed out to me: you gained a bit of weight by the way. well duh, I know.

ok this ramble is coming in a very irritable mood right now, but really, I am really curious, when someone asks that famous question: "so... have you gained weight?"

What is their point, really?

So tired...

2008-04-24T18:02:00.002+02:00

yeah i am... so tired.

i need to unwind somehow. used to e able to do that easily.... could be as simple as a good book, a walk, talking to someone close, or even having some cake....

but, now i just feel really tired.... the stress is really getting to me. it is not one big major thing.... it is just alot of little things.... and i had not had the chance to unwind after my thesis maybe?
even going out has become stressful because of the traffic. traffic in cairo has become a major problem. it took me close to 2 hours coming home yesterday! it gets on one's nerves. makes the choice of staying home and watching tv more and more appealing that going out, driving there, and looking for a parking place. i wish i can live somewhere (just for a little while) that i can ride a bike everywhere i go. where i work (yes i would like to be working in my fantasy land i seem to be daydreaming about here, i do love my work) within a walking distance from my house..

in this fantasy land.... people would smile when they greet each other, and try to make each other laugh. it is no small thing, being able to make people laugh. unfortunately, not many people i know have that ability... Jon stewart does, and i do love to watch him, but he is not my friend... just a guy on tv (but very funny... seriously)

but i understand why not alot of people are like that ... I do. The world has become very difficult. with insinuatins that things will become more difficult every time the news is on. But of course Alhamdulillah foreverything.... i know that i am B*****ing righ now because i am tired right now... but i know that ihave tons and tons of blessing... i do nt want to be ungrateful. i know that alof of people in the world would die for one day of my life... where i have family, alhamdulilah, health, and alot more alhamdulillah. i am sitting here typing on my laptop in my bedroom with the AC on, and i know it is really hot outside. i hate it when i am in this mood, because i know that i have so many gifts from God, and i still complain and moan... and i realize that this is not a positive attitude. nor is it right.

i do not know what it is honestly that is putting me in this stressed out mood. maybe it is the traffic... and alot of stuff that i need to do..... just stress... right??

When i think what i can need to relieve me right now.... one word comes to mind: massage!!!

I hate it that i am writing this down right now... i hate being the complainer.... and here it is.... i am even complaing about complaining.... what is wrong with me!?

I really really need my positive mood back. it has been exam week at college today... and talk about stress! yes i am not the one taking the tests.... but it is just in the air.... i can almost physically reach out and touch it... the chrge in the air. seeing some of the students crying because they have not done well.... or are worried.... or are being treated unfairly.... i guess it gets to you.

where can i go where everyone is happy. or at least cheerful? mmmm maybe heaven!

btw, the B on my keyboard seems to be stuck. have to fix it.

ok this is why i began blogging,, now i remember... to empty my thoughts at times like this... after a while, it did not seem that way, because i started having friends on the blogosphere, so i know someone is gonna read it... so i don't just ramble on like i am doing today. but i haven't been blogging for a while, and so , alot of poeple who used to come by don't anymore. and i think that is why i am able to just let it out, and not worry about bringing someone down with my mood., or even boring them. just typing away. and it feels good. sigh

resuming blogging?

2008-04-14T15:39:00.002+02:00

it has been a long time since i have blogged anything... i really miss it though. alot of times i have these thoughts in my head that i just want to put down. typing right now is actually very relaxing. I have been really preoccupied these last few months, trying to finish my phD thesis, worrying about my defense, doing my presentation etc etc.... so i really had no mental space to actually sit in a relaxed manner and discuss other things, or write about them, and what i miss alot, is checking out my favorite blogs.... wonder who gave up blogging and who is still hanging in there. will check it out ISA after i finsih posting this.

So... I did finish my PhD..! THANK GOD!!! a 6 year projct finally finished (though i am still stuck with alot of paper work. but it does feel good... feels free more than anything.

Trying to start being serious about my clinic. Because my practice is new, i do not have many patients yet, and thus I am always reluctant to go sit there just in case a patient passes by :(
it takes alot of discipline to show up to work, when you are your own boss, and know that you can easily skip the day (which i do often). my friend and partner in the clinic is having major problems commitiing to the hours of the clinic as well. so we went out bought a computer, internet access, a brand new TV, cable, everything that would make our long hours in the clinic more tolerable i guess. I am thinking that if the pace picks up and we start making money, that would encourage us.... ok i am rambling and sounding very whiny about something that is very good and alot of people woul want to have.... so enough of that..

And I discovered Grey''s anatomy!!! I had always heard about the show but written it off as just another medical drama..... probably not worth watching.... but i got hooked....BIG TIME. i bought the first season DVD, watched it in maybe one or two days... and voila i am an addict.

i went and bought the rest of the seasons, and i watched about 3 episodes every night till they were done. and now I am trying to be patient waiting for the next episodes. next one will be on the 24th this month i think.... but that is in the states!!! I would not get it till the first of July :(
but i guess you tube can help abit.

ok this has been my first post in while... and i just typed it really quickly, and did not care for the punctuation or spelling much. and i do not know if i had really said anything that i usually like to blog about, but i am glad i did it anyway.

will go have some coffee now. :)

stay in touch...

2007-10-23T16:50:00.000+02:00

We all tend to get carried away in our own lives, tend to get lazy, do only what we want/have to do. things that we need, or things that make us happy. So often do we forget the importance of making the extra effort to stay in touch with friends. Just the ones we talk to very often anyway. Easier to share, when you know they know what happened yesterday or the day before. Iremember years ago I used to call my friends very frequently. I used to find it wierd that friends 'just drift apart'. When they are both friends but niether does enough effort to call, it is always; tomorrow, or ok I will email her or something. I knew I was slipping into that routine. yet, I was postponing as usual doing anything about it.

I have this friend, who had been my friend since, lets say 1992? yeah that would be about right. 15 years. We were together in college, we were best friends. We would study together, spend the night sometimes together, travel together, for short, we were very close.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, a few years ago she got married and a year later travelled with her hubby somewhere for work. so ofcourse contact considerably diminished a bit. but come on... there were always emails, the phone and when she came over.

but of course, emails quickly came down to forwards of jokes and stuff that come my way, with out any personal message.

Till today that is. I just felt like Imissed her all of a sudden, and sent her an email. by chance, just when I was doing that she got on line so I thought a good chance to chat.

Talking to her a little bit, I discovered by the way that she has been having serious trouble in her life for the last 18 months. 18MONTHS and I had not known. When I told her I am so sorry I did not know, she said because you never ask about me anymore.

though Iknow she was half joking, not really scolding me, I realized that Oh my, I haven't really talked to her since maybe 2 years ago when she called me on my birthday. that is too long to just let time slip by without a word. I felt bad, because she told me today to please stay in touch, that she was lonely and missed having her friends.

We are not supposed to wait for a disaster to happen so we can reach out to our friends, especially such old ones. because when/if God forbid something bad does happen, the friendship would have been lost to nothing more that laziness, and we would have lost a very precious thing.

2007-09-01T17:40:00.000+03:00

From the movie :music and lyrics, this song is either really beautiful, or I am just in a very romantic mood;

Way back into love:

I've been living with a shadow over ahead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
trapped in the past I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
to clear a little space in the corners of my mind

chorus:
"All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

i've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
i've been searching but I just don't see the signs
i know that it's out there
there's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

i've been looking for someone to shed some light
not somebody just to get me through the night
i could use some direction
and i'm open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

but if i open my heart again
i guess i'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

there are moments when i don't know if it's real
or if anybody feels the way i feel
i need inspiration
not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

but if i open my heart to you
i'm hoping you'll show me what to do
and if you help me decide again
you know that i'll be there for you in the end

Cutting ties

2007-08-27T19:04:00.000+03:00

Sometimes you want to break free from something that you feel is tying you down. but, easier said than done. of course you can cut any physical ties more easily than your emotional ones, but even those can be trying. because more often than not, they are intermingled, a physical tie, that can have an emotional weight.

just today, i finally got to throw away som old photos i had. don't know why it had been so hard. it felt wierd to do it. it is not like i had them on display or even thought about them, they were tucked away in a box in my closet, i just thought that maybe if i get rid of any physical thing that links me to the past... I would actually be able to put it behind me totally. do not know if it would do that for me, but i am glad i was able to throw the pictures away. a year ago i would have hesitated and hesitated. the thing is, this past, for its bad or good, is still part of me. can't just pick a big chunk of your life and throw it away as if it never was. i can not pretent it did not exist, all i can do is deal with it, try to accept it, and know that closure will come when it comes ISA.
I kind of feel like I did most of what I can do by myself, My hope is in Allah to heal this thing for good, becuase the best I can do, is just cover it up. tonight is the eve of mid shaaban, i would like to pray a bit today... I hope that God would forgive me and have mercy on me... and forgive any ill feelings that I might have in my heart. I would love to be as pure as I once was... want to be free again. I do not regret all, for my experiences have taught me some beautiful things in my relationship with Allah, and those I cherish always. alhamdulillah rabb al3alameen.

zeina update...

2007-05-15T11:40:00.000+03:00

I found her! she was somewhere I never thought she would be! Alhamdulillah

Zeina

2007-05-09T23:25:00.000+03:00

My dear zeina,

I have no idea where you are now, or whether you are dead or alive. After a day of you going missing, and me looking for you all over the house, I might have to face the strong possibility that a bird has indeed caught you. Alhamdulillah for everything at all times. You were a good pet turtle. I did not think that I would be this sad that you are gone. I never got to say good bye or anything. I know it seems corny about a turtle, but it is true. If I feel this way for a turtle, I can not begin to imagine how a mother would feel if her child God forbid would just go missing, yet it happens. . I do not know how these women cope, except that Allah is with them.

Zeina, I have had you for 5 years, and have fed you almost everyday. I hope I had cared for you well when you were in my care. I hope you did not suffer. I hope you will turn out to be okay in the end, but if not.. I am so sad to lose you, I loved you (though I never really knew it till today, surprised at the tears that flow for you). I can not bear to see bondok alone, so forgive me, I plan to get him another turtle friend soon. You were only a child as turtles go. I think I will remember you always. For now, goodbye.
Doshar

where is she?

2007-05-09T14:23:00.000+03:00

This morning, I went into the balcony to check on my two turtles, Zeina and bondok. At first glance I noticed a flipped turtle (they do that alot) and turned it gently around, to see who it was this time. it was bondok, the male turtle. so where was zeina? l looked around there area for her and she was just not there. just missing. Only bondok by himself. they have a wooden board that closes off their area, so I thought she misht have gotten out from under it. I looked around the balcony, she was no where to be found. I really started to worry, where did she go? where could she have possibly have offed to? She can't climb a wall, or dig or anything. she can not even make a noise. I looked around the house, incase she somehow got in. nowhere to be found.

It is really upsetting to find your pet just missing... pure and simple... vanished into thin air. where in the world could she be. a friend of mine told me that a hawk or some other predator bird could have scooped down and taken her... I had seen that on an animal planet episode, but I thought that just would not happen here in the middle of the city.

and the frightening thought that maybe a bird just came and took her away to EAT her just tears me apart. OMG she must have been so frightened. I do not know yet if that is what happened, I hope not. I hope she had just hid really really well. It feels really bad, did not think I would feel like this over zeina, but I do. I had her for 5 years now, fed her everyday, and kind of knew her well. she had a diferent personality than bndok, she always likes to explore, and poke around, and is not afraid of humans.

she has a very healthy apetite, and loves coming into the house. many times I would open the door to the balcony, and find her standing there, waiting to come in. She sometimes kind of knocks by hitting her shell against the door. It just is a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you hve no idea where she is, and if you are ever going to see her again. I pray she turns out soon. :(

Chicken Run....?

2007-05-03T13:30:00.000+03:00

Chicken Run is quite an amusing, well made children's movie, whose main attraction in my opinion is that Mel Gibson stars in it. But the idea was quite wierd for me when I first watched... I mean, chicken planning to escape from their farm to be free, and not have to lay eggs... and God forbid... be eaten in the end.

I mean, is that not what chickens are for? in the movie, We are obviously supposed to cheer the chicken on ... hope for their escape from the tyrant oppressor bad guys in the movie (the Farmer and his wife). But It would be really conrtradicting when I tend to eat chicken and eggs day in and day out. but I watched to appreciate the movie in itself, trying not to relate it to real life.... and that went on fine...

till my nephew watched it with me last night that is. there was this scene where the farmer found that one particular chicken hadn't laid an egg for a while, and so he took it out to slaughter. and Ibra (my nephew) was horrified. Did the chicken die? did the guy kill her? why? couldn't he have given her a chance? why did he have to kill her?

didn't really know what to tell him... that this is what we actually do? kill the chickens, and it is ok really. chicken is good for you.

they made it seem so cruel and inhumane... so I went out with : I guess he killed her to save on feeding her, but I guess he could have just let her go...

don't know, the balance between keeping the guy "bad" , and not relating it to eating chicken was a tough one. for a minite there I was scared he would go all vegetarian on me... but then he asked me to fix him a sausage sandwich. :)

baby smell...

2007-04-24T20:06:00.000+02:00

There is just something so endearing and lovable about how the top of a baby's head smells. really... their smell is just addicitve.

As a matter of fact... I love to smell my baby niece. it is like some intoxicting perfume that fills up your senses. it is a mixture of baby shampoo... drool, milk, powder and almost always just a hint of spit! I read somewhere that jennifer lopez wanted her perfume to smell like that. I like the smell, but would I like to smell like that? I think not.

I do not know if men experience this also, I mean, I guess a woman's hormones and insincts can affect their perception a bit... I don't think I have ever heard a guy say : mmm.... this baby smells so good!
I guess God has given women these maternal instincts... to be able to love and cherish and care for this very vulnerable creature... whilst also enjoying it immensely. Alhamdulillah.

For every mother out there... Cherish your gift.... and Thank Allah. For every woman who is not a mother and wishes to be (me included)... May Allah grant you your heart's desire... He is the most generous and merciful. Amen

Luxor

2007-03-30T21:17:00.000+02:00

It had been quite a while since I have been around my own blog, not to mention other blogs... though I have been dropping in on some of my favorite blogs from time to time,,, though I hardly comment. the last few months have been a little too distracting for me... not used to having my plate so full.

I do have a lot to do these days... and probably will continue to for the next couple of months... I guess I will have to handle it, maybe learn to manage my time a little better. we will see... but thankfully in the middle of it all, I managed to get a few days of vacation in luxor this month. that was a very needed and wonderful change. though I stayed for only a few days, but I think I managed to visit most of the important stuff, though it could use another visit soon.

One thing I really think would have enhanced this... if I could only read the ancient Egyptian scripture... the hieroglyphics? every wall seemed to tell a different story, and in full color and detail. like their own little video cameras I guess. wall after wall after wall were etched with them, as well as the cielings, which actually sometimes had the best preserved colors. I got to know my camera's features quite well there as I tried to record eveything I saw, 500 pictures I think, But could have taken more. I did not take any photos of the valley of the kings' tombs... they are prohibited, also the battery ran out on me in Hatshepsut Temple. but all in all... I am satisfied.

the rides in the nile were very relaxing.... and in Aswan we went from island to island in the middle of the river with boats... those were very fun. I want to post a few pictures of the temples here maybe, pobably next post... as I still have to upload the photos.

I am supposed to be working on something else right now... so I guess I will follow up later.

btw.... The Prophet (PBUH)'s birthday is tomorrow... 3alayh Afdal Salah wa salam... and AL hamdulillah Rabb AL 3alameen.

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

2007-01-12T22:35:00.000+02:00

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids
each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and
pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each
week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist
appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a
holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also
make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and
all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid
song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on
cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply
to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a
tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish
shoes, keep his nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to
get through each day wi! thout snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe
abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings
but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to
explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the
purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least
once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

Each will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night
without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their
teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00 . They must leave the home
with no food on their face or clothes.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend
the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand
and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age approrriate reply to, "You're not the boss
of me".

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will
be required to know all of the following information: each child's
birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of
labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack,
favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they
want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if . . . he still has enough energy to be
intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be
called Mother!

tala3 albadru 3alayna

2006-12-23T01:09:00.000+02:00

I really love that song... and mashary rashed sings it beautifully. I finally found it in utube... so now I can watch it any time I want ISA!

Here is the link... enjoy

Xeno

2006-12-01T14:04:00.000+02:00

Last post I had written, I had three pregnant friends , and just about due. well now two of them have given birth alhamdulillah. the first is Dalulla! she had her beautiful little baby boy about 2 weeks ago... His name is Hamza, and his nick name is Xeno... I have only seen him once, Ma shaa Allah he is such a darling.

My other friend had a little girl, janna, she is two days old today, but i have not seen her yet... maybe this evening.

my other friend who is still pregnant, is actually the one whose baby I look forward to the most. After all, that baby is also going to be my niece! She is due some time in the next couple of weeks... and I miss her already!

by the way... the baby in the picture is not xeno :)

2006-11-07T11:44:00.000+02:00

It has been quite a while since I have blogged, close to 2 months I guess, though I frequently get the urge to write about something... when I get down to it, I finally do something else...

Very late in my thesis writing, that I feel guilty doing anything else... though I do waste a ton of time... it is just my head is too full of dental references right now.... and that is where my writing tendencies are usually directed these days.

Ramadan however, was of course different. I let the thesis go... the blogosphere go... and pretty much everything else that I can. Ramadan time is just too precious. Al hamdulillah... Ramdan this year was beautiful (as always). Allah was so generous with us this year, and Allah is always generous... though we are sometimes too blind to see His blessings in our everyday life. Alot of stuff had happened (or not happened, depends on how you look at it), and Allah always does what is best. Alhamdulillah..

I had written my review of literature a couple of months ago, and now when I read it.. I can't undestand alot of the stuff I have written myself. I guess alot of it needs to be rewritten...:(

4 of my friends are pregnant, three almost due, Dalulla is supposed to have her baby this Friday Inshaa Allah. I pray the baby is healthy... and grows up to be good and wise. Amen.

Other stuff I wanna talk about ... but not now, these are the stuff that need rawa2an bal, and reflection... maybe later. Happy eid to eveyone.

By the way... The mouse is gone!!! ALhamdulillah

Mouse In the House

2006-09-14T23:08:00.000+03:00

Yes! But not the Disney show… no no no … I wish.

We have a real live mouse in the house! I think it might be a rat actually… either way….A RODENT!

I hate it… why do I have a mouse in my house? I do not want him around.. not one bit. A couple of nights ago I was walking towards the kitchenette when I saw him running behind the bookcase. Fast, but not fast enough that I did not get a good look at him. I screamed and probably gave the thing a heart attack. Thank God I did not have one myself.. my heart kept pounding for a while and I got so distressed I had to read kids’ fairy tales to just forget about it. I know this sounds petty for a lot of people.. so what a mouse… but I just have this thing.. I hate mice.

So the very next morning I called the exterminator to come and rid me of the mouse/rat. How much will it cost I asked. It is 20 pounds a litre ( a litre of whatever liquid they would use to squirt around the house) and it will take care of all the bugs too. Hurray!! It will probably cost around 100 pounds , I naively thought… and went happily to work… thinking everything will be ok.

The guys came… squirted 600 pounds worth of whatever stuff (600 pounds!!!!) and said the problem is solved… the mouse will die or disappear within 2 hours. Ok mister… you are incredibly expensive…and I feel that you are somewhat of a hustler, but ok, if it takes care of the mouse.

So, last night… no sightings of the mouse… thank God…

So today I was sitting innocently at the computer playing a silly arcade game… then I just glanced down on the floor next to me… there he was… walking right to me!

What was he still doing here? And why was he coming towards me in the computer corner? Wants to check his email? Ah well I screamed again… and I guess that changed his mind and he ran back across the living room and somewhat disappeared under some thing. Where is he? I do not know? why is he not dead? WHY is he still here??

So of course I called the exterminator ( who had given me a 2 year warranty yesterday) and told him that I had hired them to get rid of the mouse… and hey… I just saw one right now. To this he simply asks me: is it the same mouse?

So I said: “Howwa ana hasa7bo 3ashan a3raf walla eh!!!?” (I am supposed to make friends with him and find out?)

Well end of the story… they are coming again tomorrow to allegedly get rid of it AGAIN. I really hope so.

I have a mouse in the house. ME UPSET.

AL Hamdulillah 3ala kol shai2.

2006-09-09T21:31:00.000+03:00

Was just watching some of the news conference with Blair and Olmert.. this is what I heard:

Blair: blah blah blah, blah blah war on terror, blah blah blah.., blah fight for freedom and peace blah blah blah, blah blah terrorists blah blah Iran blah blah blah....

got up then, my time can certainly be used in something more useful than listening to blah blah blahs...

A question came to my mind then, does this guy actually believe the words coming out of his mouth? and do they even make sense to him at all?

Where is my luggage?

2006-09-01T19:58:00.000+03:00

So .. this weekend I am here in the North Coast in the beautiful Alexandria... or Marsa Matrouh... somewhere in between I guess... the weather is good Al hamdulillah... Glad I came.. was thinking of staying in Cairo to catch up with some work. Anyway, yesterday morning we took off ,me , my sweet sis, my dear parents. the trip takes about 4 hours as it is, we also stopped for gas, groceries at carrefour (that took more than an hour!) and a rest in the middle, so after waking up quite early, we finally got there close to 5pm. phew.... a long journey... It was hot.. I was driving and all I wanted to do when I got there was take a shower and a change of clothes. after taking all the bags and groceries from the trunk I noticed something that gave me quite a shock.... my luggage... and roora's was missing!

Where was my stuff! I had told roora to bring them down to the car becuase i was carrying my laptop and papers' bag. she said ok. so now i found out she did not bring them.

I got so angry.... how can anyone go for vacation without luggage? esp. a girl? where is my luggage? well roora only heard the I am leaving part not the rest... a bit of a mixup I guess, but being so tired I got really angry with roora. Poor her, she really got distressed by my outlash rathar than the absence of her stuff as well.

I kept trying to supress my anger... to be the Kazemeen al ghaiz person (do not know how to translate that), don't think I did a great job at that. I tried to be silent... to supress it... it was all bubbling up in side that it came out as laughing... there was pent energy there I guess..

well anyway to make a long story short roora and I went to hammam and got some shorts, pants, t shirts, deodorant...etc. the essentials to get us through the weekend. was frustrated that I could not find suitable things right away..

then i remembered something and felt a bit ashamed of myself... a bit to be honest... not much... but enough to make me quit bothering roora.

Most of the sahaba (Prophet Mohamed PBUH's companions) had very little clothes or any worldly matter.. no matter what their standing. I remember a story about the caliph of the muslims ( I think it was omar ibn el khattab) not sure, well he was late for the friday prayers... and when he showed he said he was late because he was washing his only robe. His ONLY robe, and had to wait till it dried to wear it to prayer. and I was in a fit because I did not have all my stuff for one weekend. and I could buy replacements too! aren't we spoilt?

If planning to go to JFK, take an extra Tshirt, you just might have to change it!

2006-08-29T22:17:00.001+03:00

Just like this guy here....

here is part of his story:

"The next day, I went to JFK in the morning to catch my Jet Blue plane to California. I reached Terminal 6 at around 7:15 am, issued a boarding pass, and checked all my bags in, and then walked to the security checkpoint. For the first time in my life, I was taken to a secondary search . My shoes were searched, and I was asked for my boarding pass and ID. After passing the security, I walked to check where gate 16 was, then I went to get something to eat. I got some cheese and grapes with some orange juice and I went back to Gate 16 and sat down in the boarding area enjoying my breakfast and some sunshine.

At around 8:30, two men approached me while I was checking my phone. One of them asked me if I had a minute and he showed me his badge, I said: "sure". We walked some few steps and stood in front of the boarding counter where I found out that they were accompanied by another person, a woman from Jet Blue.

One of the two men who approached me first, Inspector Harris, asked for my id card and boarding pass. I gave him my boarding pass and driver's license. He said "people are feeling offended because of your t-shirt". I looked at my t-shirt: I was wearing my shirt which states in both Arabic and English "we will not be silent". You can take a look at it in this picture taken during our Jordan meetings with Iraqi MPs. I said "I am very sorry if I offended anyone, I didnt know that this t-shirt will be offensive". He asked me if I had any other T-shirts to put on, and I told him that I had checked in all of my bags and I asked him "why do you want me to take off my t-shirt? Isn't it my constitutional right to express myself in this way?" The second man in a greenish suit interfered and said "people here in the US don't understand these things about constitutional rights". So I answered him "I live in the US, and I understand it is my right to wear this t-shirt".

Then I once again asked the three of them : "How come you are asking me to change my t-shirt? Isn't this my constitutional right to wear it? I am ready to change it if you tell me why I should. Do you have an order against Arabic t-shirts? Is there such a law against Arabic script?" so inspector Harris answered "you can't wear a t-shirt with Arabic script and come to an airport. It is like wearing a t-shirt that reads "I am a robber" and going to a bank". I said "but the message on my t-shirt is not offensive, it just says "we will not be silent". I got this t-shirt from Washington DC. There are more than a 1000 t-shirts printed with the same slogan, you can google them or email them at wewillnotbesilent@gmail.com . It is printed in many other languages: Arabic, Farsi, Spanish, English, etc." Inspector Harris said: "We cant make sure that your t-shirt means we will not be silent, we don't have a translator. Maybe it means something else". I said: "But as you can see, the statement is in both Arabic and English". He said "maybe it is not the same message". So based on the fact that Jet Blue doesn't have a translator, anything in Arabic is suspicious because maybe it'll mean something bad!...

to read the rest of the story... click here.

If planning to go to JFK, take an extra Tshirt, you just might have to change it!

2006-08-29T22:17:00.000+03:00

A new Blog...

2006-08-25T13:05:00.000+03:00

Duirng the war on Lebanon, naturally I was on the net alot, as well as watched a tremendous amount of news on TV.

What I was really disturbed at seeing was so many people who hate Islam so much... have sites totally dedicated to anit-Islam sentiments... their language is vile to say the least. Alot of the time.. Muslims, Arabs and even Prophet Mohamed PBUH have not escaped their vile words. These peole are so full of hate, they are racists and bigots who call for the total annihilation of Islam.

There have always been those people, and we would just shrug them off... but the problem is.... that the Islamic militants or terrorists are unfortunately the loudest heard voices about Islam, and their actions along with other muslims' actions, unfortunately tarnish the image of Islam in the world.

the big fear is... that there are alot of people who are not racist bigots, but actually are indeed ignorant about Islam... they do not know what it is about and thus can very well be affected and believe these claims...and in the long run it would be the taken for granted image of Islam in the world.

there are alot of misconceptions too about Islam,, about our rules, our beliefs and especially about the women. and alot of people who are non muslims become wary of Islam if not all together critical.

I thought that we as muslims have the duty to show the real essence of Islam, shed the light on these contravesial issues and try to counter those false cries about what Islam really is. To show its beauty and fairness. I thought that maybe we can have a new blog, dedicated to doing just that... People of all faiths are welcome to read and comment there as long as respect and decency are maintained. I will maintain this blog (share some thoughts) ISA for other issues.

the new blog is called True Essence of Islam , it is newly born (2 days ago to be exact). I pray it would do some good ISA.

An interesting find

2006-08-12T23:15:00.000+03:00

I came across this comment on Steve's blog... and it really is very interesting. Here is the comment:

"Those who started terrorism in Palestine are the zionist jews.

If you are doubtful, listen to this report from BBC Radio 4.

If the link doesn’t work, go to the site and look up “A Date with Bevin”.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/history/document/document_20060724.shtml

The suicide bombers today just learned the method from the zionists. It worked then, so why not now?

Israel Asks US to Speed Shipment of Cluster Bombs

2006-08-11T18:34:00.000+03:00

So, it continues... one thing for sure about war... it shows you who is who... and what is the worst they can do.

Here is a NewYork Times piece about Israel asking for a rush in shipping cluster bombs to use against lebanon. The article says it is expected that Washington would grant the request, but tell Israel to "be careful". Thankyou so much US for your thoughtfulness... I am sure Israel will heed that advice. What in the world would we have been able to do without your wise guidance?

'Respecting Lebanon's Sovereignty'

2006-08-01T11:14:00.000+03:00

The following is part of an article by Dr. Ran HaCohen, who was born in the Netherlands in 1964 and grew up in Israel. It is dated 31st July, 2006. You can read it here on the blog, or here.

"The following chronicle, copied from official reports of the UN Interim Force in Lebanon, is dedicated – among the dead – to the four unarmed UN observers, from China, Finland, Austria, and Canada, who were just carrying out their peaceful mission. Among the living, the chronicle is dedicated to all those who keep saying that Israel has respected Lebanon's sovereignty since 2000, when it ended its 22-year-long occupation; and to those who find the Hezbollah's breach of Israel's sovereignty an excuse good enough to devastate an entire prosperous land.

The UN Chronicle (Excerpts)

Interim report of the secretary-general on the UN Interim Force in Lebanon, April 30, 2001:

"Since the resolution was adopted [i.e., since Israel's withdrawal], the situation has remained essentially unchanged, although there were further developments in the dispute over Shab'a farms area. As before, there were frequent minor ground violations of the Blue Line. There were, in addition, almost daily violations of the line by Israeli aircraft which penetrated deeply into Lebanese airspace. I have been in touch with the parties concerned and other interested parties to urge respect for the Blue Line and to avert further escalation."

Report of the secretary-general for the period from July 18, 2000, to Jan. 18, 2001:

"Israeli violations of Lebanese air space, which had resumed after Hizbollah's attack on 7th October, continued on an almost daily basis."

For the period from Jan. 23, 2001, to July 20, 2001:

"As reported in April, Israeli aircraft violated the line on an almost daily basis, penetrating deep into Lebanese airspace. These incursions, particularly those at low level breaking the sound barrier over populated areas, were especially provocative and caused great anxiety to the civilian population. The air violations are ongoing, despite repeated démarches to the Israeli authorities."

For the period from July 21, 2001, to Jan. 16, 2002:

"Israeli air violations of the Blue Line, however, continued on an almost daily basis, penetrating deep into Lebanese airspace. These incursions are not justified and cause great concerns to the civilian population, particularly low-altitude flights that break the sound barrier over populated areas. The air violations are ongoing, although démarches to the Israeli authorities […] have been made repeatedly by me, other senior United Nations officials and a number of interested Governments."

For the period from Jan. 17, 2002, to July 12, 2002:

"Unjustified Israeli air incursions into sovereign Lebanese airspace continued on an almost daily basis throughout most of the reporting period, often penetrating deep into Lebanon and frequently generating sonic booms. In the latter half of April, a pattern emerged whereby the aircraft would fly out to sea and enter Lebanese airspace north of the UNIFIL area of operation, thus avoiding direct observation and verification by UNIFIL. In January Hezbollah began responding to the overflights with anti-aircraft fire. This activity has continued through the present. On a number of occasions […] shells crossed the Blue Line. Calls on Israel to cease the overflights […]"

For the period from July 13, 2002, to Jan. 14, 2003:

"There were sporadic Israeli violations of Lebanese airspace, with periodic lulls in such activity punctuated by abrupt increases over periods of several days. On two occasions in November, Israeli overflights exceeded any recorded number since Israel's withdrawal from southern Lebanon in May 2000. Many of these air violations penetrated deep into Lebanon, often generating sonic booms over populated areas. The pattern identified in my last report continued, whereby the aircraft would fly out to sea and enter Lebanese airspace north of the UNIFIL area of operation, thus avoiding direct observation and verification by UNIFIL."

For the period from Jan. 15, 2003, to July 23, 2003:

"The most significant sources of tension were the persistent Israeli violations of Lebanese airspace and instances of Hezbollah antiaircraft fire directed across the Blue Line towards Israeli villages. […] Israeli air incursions into Lebanon increased overall during the reporting period, though the numbers have declined since early July. UNIFIL recorded almost daily violations across the Blue Line in some weeks. As in the past, Israeli overflights penetrated deep into Lebanon, often generating sonic booms over populated areas."

For the period from July 24, 2003, to Jan. 19, 2004:

"The recurrent Israeli air incursions into Lebanon continued. The numbers abated at times but periods of little or no activity were invariably followed by an intensification of the flights. […] Hezbollah continued to react […]"

For the period from Jan. 21, 2004, to July 21, 2004:

"A cycle of disruptions and armed exchanges across the Blue Line commenced on 5 May. Israel carried out more than 20 air sorties over Lebanon, a number of which generated sonic booms. Hezbollah subsequently fired several antiaircraft rounds […]"

"Israeli air incursions were on the whole less frequent than in the previous period, although they were notable for their intensity and the large number of aircraft involved. Israeli officials maintained that there would be overflights whenever Israel deemed them necessary. As in the past, Israeli aircraft often penetrated deep […] sonic booms over populated areas […] fly out to the sea […] avoiding direct observation […]"

For the period from July 21, 2004, to Jan. 20, 2005:

"Israeli air incursions into Lebanon continued throughout the reporting period. […] Israeli officials maintained the position that there would be overflights whenever they deemed them necessary. […] As in the past […]"

For the period from Jan. 21, 2005, to July 20, 2005:

"Violations of the Blue Line continued throughout the past six months, most often in the form of recurring air violations by Israeli jets, helicopters and drones as well as ground violations, from the Lebanese side, primarily by Lebanese shepherds. […] The Israeli Air Force continued their air incursion […] deep into Lebanon […] sonic booms […] whenever Israel deemed […]"

For the period from July 22, 2005, to Jan. 20, 2006:

"The Israeli Air Force violated Lebanese airspace on many occasions during the reporting period, disturbing the relative calm along the Blue Line. […] In November, overflights by jets, helicopters and unmanned aerial vehicles or drones were numerous and particularly intrusive and provocative. […] There were no instances of Hezbollah antiaircraft fire across the Blue Line […]."

For the period from Jan. 21, 2006, to July 18, 2006:

"Persistent and provocative Israeli air incursions […] remained a matter of serious concern. […] A reduction in the number of air incursions in April contributed to an atmosphere of relative calm along the Blue Line, but this trend was reversed in May."

What the Observers Won't Observe Anymore

Since Israel withdrew from Lebanon six years ago, then, it hasn't given its northern neighbor even a single day of quiet. The more the UN reports repeat themselves, the less attention the media pays them. And just as Israelis wonder about the purpose of Hezbollah's missile arsenal, so could Lebanon, and so should we all, wonder what was the purpose of the thousands of Israeli overflights and sonic booms in Lebanon's sky: was it to gather some information not available to Israel's satellites anyway, or, much more likely, just to terrorize Lebanon's population by showing them that we violate their sovereignty "whenever we deem it necessary"?

And as for the killing of the observers, we can only speculate what it was that Israel didn't want them to observe anymore. Cluster munitions? Other crimes? We might never know."

End of article.

Scared... yes.. but not from the Israeilis

2006-07-30T10:37:00.000+03:00

As I watch the war playing out in Lebanon.... the horrors that I see on the news , I know that no one but the ones experiencing them can really know what they are like.

The anger that I feel at everything that is happening.. the frustration that WE ARE DOING NOTHING

I admit I am very scared... yes I am scared for Lebanon and the Muslims everywhere... but I know they have been wronged so badly.. And God is witness to all... and I know GOd will help them and defeat their enemy ISA. They are in God's hands... and if God's mercy is with them, they will prevail. Not the US phrase as they say it all the time "we will prevail" nonsense... but they will really prevail ultimately because right is on their side.... and who ever God is with... it does not matter who is against them.

And getting more and more frustrated with us collectively as muslims all over the world, just watching.. and sending only the aid that would not hurt us... medicine and food... but definitely not enough. We indeed have a much bigger duty to the Lebanese people.

Now I am getting scared... I am scared of God's wrath that I pray we never experience... due to our lack of solidarity and our failure to go to their assistance. God's wrath is the thing that I fear indeed, not Israel or America or even death. We are all going to die some day.. it is how we do it and the deeds we do before then that really count.

We need to do what is right.. to be right with God.

A few days ago I read a post by Ahmad (Ahmad's cold desert) where he was slashing out at the arab governments... I wanted to say something...I am sorry maybe...or something like that. I was too ashamed to write anything. what would I say...." no really... our hearts are really with you.. go fight or die while we watch, but we will pray?" that is not enough.. till we make a real difference, we have no right to raise our heads high in the face of any lebanese that tells us "where have you been?"

Keep praying

2006-07-22T14:46:00.000+03:00

الذين قال لهم الناس إن الناس قد جمعوا لكم فاخشوهم"
، فزادهم ايماناً وقالوا حسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل

"فانقلبوا بنعمة من الله وفضل لم يمسسهم سوء واتبعوا رضوان الله والله ذو فضل عظيم

" Those (i.e. believers) unto whom the people (hypocrites)said, " Verily, the people (pagans) have gathered against you (a great army), therefore fear them." But it (only) increased them in Faith, and they said: " Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs ( for us), So they returned with Grace and Bounty from Allah. No harm touched them; and they followed the good Pleasure of Allah. And Allah is the Owner of Great Bounty"

" Quran : AL- Imran , 173-174"

The World Today

2006-07-15T21:09:00.000+03:00

A Bully.... Backed by a bigger bully

Wa Allahu Akbar min kol kabeer

Silver Lining

2006-07-03T11:08:00.000+03:00

Mrs. A just visited us yesterday, one of God's blessings in our life ISA. She is closer to 50 I think, but we all (Roora, mama and I) enjoy her company a lot. We were talking yesterday about how things are going down in Iraq and Palestine, and how things are in general in the Muslim community. Things indeed have been going from bad to worse lately, and at a very alarming rate too! I watch the news and feel so frustrated and sad…. So beaten down. Frustrated that there is nothing I can do (or is there?), and sad for all that is happening to fellow Muslims everywhere. Especially in Palestine…

Mrs. A and mom had the joint vision that this is all because of our own deeds… that the Muslim community now is not at all as it used to be as it should be… we did indeed stray from the correct path in many ways…governments and people alike. I agree… this may be in fact true… but I just share a different future view maybe…. That is where we differed.

Mom and Mrs. A were all like "mafeesh faydah feena…" , look how we act…. Of course this has to happen to us. Etc etc.. that kind of talk.

I was desperately trying to find the silver lining in the cloud. Trying to see that this may seem so bad… but is just what we need to actually wake up… maybe from the depths of this crisis would emerge good muslims. Maybe without it we would never change… as with everything that happens to us in life… what does not kill us makes us stronger.

Rebuttal from my mom and Mrs. A: Nothing changes… we are still the same… look around you… people are hung up on the latest video clips for foolana or 3ellana, and worried about their stomachs too much to try to want to change anything.

I kept on pushing the point that change takes time… this is sunnat Allah fee alard.. things take time. God created the world in six days, while He could have done it in an instant. To teach us I think, that things take time… we have to be patient and maintain the faith even when things are bleakest and the night is darkest.

Mrs. A told me maybe they are talking like they are, because they are older and have already been through a lot in life, and have seen that nothing changes. We still have the hope because we are younger and think in a more hopeful manner.

The thing is… I do not want to ever give up hope… in anything for that matter. I am always there looking for the silver lining as if it is right around the corner. (maybe it is!). The optimist I always am… or more accurately the optimist I always try to be. In all aspects of my personal life as well as in the bigger picture.

Just FYI, it does not come easy. It takes a lot of conscious effort (and the help of God makes it so much more doable) to not let despair over come you when things are bleak. Keeping up the faith and hope that things will be better one day ISA, and soon ISA and hopefully and praying to God… please pray with me.

If I do not keep on reviving my hope that things will get better and soon, despair will soon eat me up… and will definitely toss me into depression… and I really do not like being depressed. (who would anyway?). So my faith in God keeps me ISA, May God preserve it… my faith that God would always help and aid those who have faith and hope in His mercy. Provided of course that we all try to do what we can. "In Tansoro Allah Yansorkom we yothabbet Akdamakom". (Sooret Mohammed).

Of course seeing the full half of the cup has indeed put me in trouble before… always expecting the best. Yes I can see reality in the present (besara7a not always) but I kind of always hope that it can change to the better. Thus I do not always see the bad in a lot of people, or don't expect to be stung by them… and it is a dangerous thing today… I try to be more cautious… but what can I do? this is what I am. And I really do not think I want to change it. It makes life better having hope… we bakool rabbena yostor dayman ISA. :)

2006-06-10T22:15:00.000+03:00

These last few weeks have been …..quite different. A lot to think about to say the least. Not that all that has happened can be describes as actual events, neither can they be describes as unpleasant… yet they all together have quite an emotional and mental effect on me. Things that I have been trying to put to rest for the last three years are stirred up again all of a sudden, but al hamdulillah all is for the best. And I have to admit that it put my mind to rest in regard to certain aspects of that situation, if not all.

Anyway, nana came home at last, I have so much to do at work, other things on my mind as well… but I choose sometimes to just give it a rest.

So today I just decided to leave all my thoughts and analyses behind and just go over to my friend rere, to watch a football match. World cup is on you know

So I just got dressed and went over to her house, we ordered lunch and sat to watch the England/Paraguay match. Watching it, I really understood why guys like watching this so much. Besides the fact that it can be quite enjoyable to watch… it is a perfect getaway from the day to day hassle that is life.

For 90 minutes, all you really focus on is this little round object that is the football. You just watch it go this way and that…. Out of the field, over the grounds and occasionally into the goal. It is just like your perfect mental massage… your mind is focused, yet on nothing really concerning you (unless it is your country playing… then that is a whole other deal).

The Flight that Fought back

2006-05-25T17:27:00.000+03:00

"The flight that fought back" is the title of a documentary on the discovery channel that talks about the United 93 flight, on September 11. I just watched this a little while ago, and wow it was really really moving. Aside from the fact that it is very well made, it carries to us the emotions and thoughts of those hostages on that flight, as well as those of their loved ones. Watching it, my heart was really hurting, still is right now. It is so sad, and I really hated those terrorists then. After watching this here in my own house, in Egypt, I felt so terrible and sad for those victims, no excuse can me given to killing an innocent. God has decreed that one who kills an innocent soul, is as if he has killed all of humanity. I realized all of a sudden how easily the American people can be so brainwashed into hating all muslims and arabs, and why the Arab emigrants abroad are being so harassed and hated wherever they go.

This is a great documentary, all it says is true, and it is indeed a great tribute to heroes who sacrificed themselves to prevent hurting others, but how many other documentaries are there about the suffering of the Palestinian people, or the Iraqis? Yes, on September 11, there were 19 terrorist arabs, but what about the thousands and millions of Arab victims? No light is shed upon them. The children who have their houses bulldozed, their arms and legs torn off, and their parents dragged off and tortured… etc etc. where are the documentaries about those people? Why is there no light shone on them? And those who killed them, are they not terrorists if they fly planes and are an organized army?

Is American blood more valuable than Arab blood? Of course if all people see are documentaries about Arabs blowing up civilian Americans, I can understand how a lot of people would harbor prejudice. It is only human. But if similar programs showed the harm that the American forces or Israelis caused in Iraq and Palestine, would that still be the case?

Would the American congressmen stand up to applause after applause, for the Israeli prime minister like they did yesterday? Give them more money and label "terrorist" on everyone who would help or aid Palestine in any way other than they would like?

Will the American government ever stop this double standard policy? I hope so, though I am not very optimistic.

Only God is absolutely just and fair I guess. People have a hard time balancing their will to be righteous, with their own interests. And I think, a lot of them have no problem because they are not trying to balance anything…. Their personal interests have won long ago.

To see

2006-05-15T20:59:00.000+03:00

Recently, I have noticed that next to the word verification window, there is a link for the legally blind to hear the caracters instead. I don't know if this is new, or if I just had not noticed it before, but I really appreciated it. thus reducing the amount of things a blind person can not do.

A couple of days ago, I went to help tutor this girl in English. It is sort of volunteer work that roora does actually for this specific girl through Resala. That day, Roora was not feeling too well so I went to fill in for her instead. This girl Y has very poor eyesight, so while she is not legally blind, she can not see enough to read. she is 15, and she reads and writes in the Braille method. It was the first time for me to actually see a book written in braille up close. Of course because I can not read it, she has to read out loud and i would correct her pronounciation and tell her the meaning of the new words. She would move her finger across the page and read... and the difficult words she would just keep on going to and fro with her finger on it trying to read it. The book looked peculiar to me because it is totally white. all the pages are white like an empty notebook, yet for her it was full of knowledge. It was a little tough because if she can not read something, I can not read it for her, and sometimes we have to skip it for now. but she was indeed so happy to learn. It was the fist time for me to see someone write in braille too. I learnt just a few caracters watching her write, like the e is two raised dots next to one another, but i do not know if my fingers can ever learn to diffrentiate between the patterns of the raised dots.

And she was so happy to learn, and when she would pronounce something properly she would be thrilled. In the context of the lesson, there was this question about the future and what to do and stuff. She asked me: you are a dentist, right?

I said yes... and what would you like to be? a dentist too?

it just came out naturally because I do that alot, encourage little ones to have dreams , that they can be anyhting they want to be... dreams are the first step to make them happen. A second later I realized that being a dentist is something she can never be (unless she miraculously gets her eyesight back... ) and so I tried to correct my blabbering...: I bet you would make a great teacher though... wouldn't it be nice to teach?
It would be... she answered with a smile.

And she is so sweet, with a smile on her face all the time, like an innocent child. I finished and left feeling grateful to have met her.Sometimes we do not appreciate what we have except when we see others that do not have them. I wish her all the best in life always.

Rehabilitation

2006-04-29T12:04:00.000+03:00

When someone has done something wrong, or been lead astray, is it really so hard to start over? Theoretically, the answer is no, if you really repent, and feel bad for what you have done, then you can always start anew, and choose to follow the right path. Al ta2eb min al zanb Kaman la zanb lah, mish kida? (means like: someone who repents, is like someone with no sin). That is the theory. But unfortunately that is not the truth. Prison is supposed to be a rehabilitation facility, right? To make the prisoners better people when they come out? Right? Wrong!

What happens is, that people do not forgive, and do not forget. And forever they would deal with someone who had done something wrong like a leper, not accepting them into the society, shunning them with shame all their lives. And for someone who wants to repent, it becomes so much harder. They want to live normally within the society, be honest, and then the society does not give them a chance. And they are then filled with bitterness and agony, which can lead them back to worse than before.

Lets take this example… a woman who had gone astray in the past…lets say even was a prostitute one day…. She does not want to do this anymore. She believes it is wrong and quits. She moves to another place and repents. She has needs, she wants to marry an honest man and live honestly the rest of her life. What happens is that no one wants to marry her. They look at her as if she is forever dirty, and thus forcing her to live in the same dirt she is eager to get out of. She would lie about her past naturally, and not say what she had done. People would dig it up, and scandalize her, and on top call her a liar to conceal her past. So what would someone like that do? She is unable to live normally, and she does not want to go back. And she would think… are these the people that I respect so much and want to live among? These merciless judgmental people? To the hell with them she would say… and she would go back to her old ways…."tried repenting, did not work" she would say. Thank you God for your mercy… He accepts repentance and erases the sins like they never were… and forgives…. And tells us…. If we do something wrong and repent…. Then we should not go and tell people about it. This is not a lie then, this is satr (cover that God has given us permission to use.. for He knows the nature of people… and how unforgiving they can be).

Another example…if you are a thief… you steal for a while…then want to quit….maybe even go to jail for a while… come out and want a new start.. an honest start. Surprise…. you have no job… no one wants to hire you. No one wants to even help you. You have kids who will starve…your innocent kids themselves will be shunned for their father's sins. You hate the society that does not ever forgive you… so you decide… if forever you treat me like a thief… maybe then I will be one again.

Why are we so unable to forgive… why is it so hard to give someone a break. Ok, be cautious with someone with a past… but give them a break if you can… help them… take a part in their repentance by encouraging them to be good. Show kindness and marvels can happen. The ones who really want to repent will be able to… the ones who do not… well at least you have done your part.

The ones who most are able to forgive and understand… are the ones who one day made a mistake themselves…they understand. They can feel for the sinners…. Indeed we all are sinners to some degree….maybe have not done what they have done...because we were lucky enough to never be put in the path that led them there… maybe we would have done the same in their place, who knows? Or maybe we were just not exposed. And God is the most forgiving and merciful. Al hamdulillah rabb al 3alamein.

Public toilet in Switzerland

2006-04-12T16:56:00.000+02:00

I got this by email the other day, thought to share it, so here you go:

Here's a picture of a public toilet in Switzerland.

Now that you have seen the outside view of the Toilet,

Just spend some more time scrolling down to see how it looks from inside..!!

That's made entirely out of one-way glass. No one can see you in there, but when you are inside, it looks like you're sitting in a clear glass box. Would you use it?!?!!!!!....

No more Henna?! :(

2006-03-26T19:52:00.000+02:00

It has been 15 days since R's henna party. R is one of my best friends, so I really enjoyed the party, I always enjoy an event if the person concerned is dear to me.

Other wise I would just go as formalities.

Well I always like getting a henna drawing here or there. Nothing major, just something simple, dala3 kida in the mood of the party.

Anyway, I had a flowery bracelet drawn on my wrist, plus a small thing for my little finger, it was simple and nice, but the henna started fading the very next day, while the wedding was still 4 days away!

but till now, I still have a raised relief like pattern of the bracelet. no color, but the pattern is there nonetheless. looks like I developed some sort of allergy to the henna, and the skin where it was is kind of reddish, raised and somehow a bit callous. Don't know if it will go away. it is like when a wound heals wrong and takes ages to return to normal.

do not know if it would remain 3alatool or not, but so far it is a nice sevounir from a beautiful night. but i guess I will have to think again before I approach henna again!

Discovery

2006-03-18T10:58:00.000+02:00

I was watching the discovery channel the other day, ( I really enjoy it btw), and the show on was: "Global Trekker". It basically shows a trekking trip to somewhere in the world, and takes you with them, to see parts of the world, and people that you might never see otherwise. It also tells alot about the history of the places, the people, their way of life etc etc....

So, this show was about central China. Very interesting btw. There was this part where the trekker was visiting a place abundant with Muslims. They were showing the mosques and the people. Then came a part where the trekker was going into one of the markets in that area. going in, this is what she said:

"They tell me I do not have to worry about bargaining here, because the muslims will never try to cheat you. Hey that is quite a reputation!"

That is quite a reputation. And it made me smile. I wish more people were like this, showing the true side of Islam, with its ethics and principles, and building a true and correct reputation for Islam, rather than the ones bombing up everything, claiming it in the name of Islam, and hence giving Islam a bad name.

Jaza Allah kol kheir any muslim, especially those living in a non muslim community... who make an effort through their actions... to show the true face of Islam.

Last Minute Shopping

2006-03-14T17:46:00.000+02:00

It is 5:45 pm, and I am sitting here at my computer, when I think I should be doing something else somehow.

It is my best friend's wedding in just about 3 hours time. I should be at least napping so as not to nod off tonight. but this is how it is with these things... I always plan timings a little too optimistically, and end up running around the house for the last hour! My mom usually jokes about it: when are you ever gonna stop running! can't you have everything ready from before and relax at the end? and yet even when I do that, at the end, I still run, and I am usually still late by at least 15 minutes to anything. even if i start getting ready an hour earlier, it is like I am programmed to be 15 minutes late! still, I think I am better than alot of my friends at this.

anyway... it is R's wedding, and the whole family is invited. She has been my friend since 12 or 13, and thus she is practically family now. closest thing to a sister after Roora.

So, she has been telling me about her wedding for 3 months now: it is next month. no it will be next. then, no it will be next month... (see, she is running today too. they have been postponing because they haven't been able to finish their running around either :) )

She kept telling me: I am telling you early aho, so you and Roora can have time if you want to make new dresses or something.

I did not make anything new. didn't have the time or the demagh (mental state) to go look for fabric and design, then keep on going to the tailor. UGGGH i hate it.

So, her wedding is today, and yesterday roora took the day off from work and we both went shopping for last minute dresses. I got one. It was discounted too! but Roora could not like anything she wanted.

She went out again in the afternoon to shop... again no results. She is out this very minute still shopping!

after work today.. i had to go shop for some other stuff....my dress is kind of a wierd metallic purple... so i had to buy the shoes and scarf to match. I even bought the nail polish for it. And both Roora and I have spent quite a bundle. Hope all this running around would turn out well. I really need to sleep right now. I guess I can have some more coffee we khalas.

I hope Roora buys something nice.

Gotta run!

Now and Then

2006-03-07T20:15:00.000+02:00

March 5th, 2003
5:30 am

I was asleep when the phone rang next to my bed. I was very tired, and had to go to work in just a little while, but it woke me up.
It turned out to be my pregnant sister in law;

She: Good morning D. Happy Birthday!

Me sleepily: (thinking: Why does she have to call me so early to tell me! This can wait at least for the sun to come up!): Hey thanx M. we enty tayyeba.

She: listen D, I am going to have my baby right now. Can you please come over to watch the kids?

Me, fully awake: Now?!! but you are early! oh my, I will be right over!!!

so I got up the earliest ever that I got up on my birthday, and drove over to her house. Poor M, she had been having contractions for a while before she called, but waited for the last minute to call me , so as to let me sleep! When I arrived, she was already dressed, and she and my brother were at the door. so I kissed her, and wished her all the best, and went inside to look on the kids who were still sleeping.

They woke up and were very excited about the whole thing. They are having a new sister... and they get to skip school that day because of it! ( That is a cool excuse isn't it. I am sorry I could not come to school yesterday... my mom was having a baby!)

I was excited about it too. I really liked the baby being born on my birthday. It was like a beautiful birthday present. A new niece. Who will always share my birthday.

4 hours later, baby H was born. I did not get to see her till the next day though Because I had to stay with the children. But when she came home, she was such a cute little bundle!

Three years later, March 5th, 2006
It is our birthday. I go to work, then finish and go over to a toy store. H's brthday is tonight. and whenever someone calls me to see what I am doing on my birthday.... I tell them I am shopping for my niece's birthday! I got her a doll house.

She kind of took over my birthday really... but I really do not mind at all. I love her so much. Besides, they always blow the candles for me too after they sing for her.

Now she is three years old, and I can't believe that 3 years ago she wasn't even here. they do grow so fast.

Shattered Glass

2006-03-02T18:49:00.000+02:00

"Shattered glass" is the title of a movie, based on a true story. I just watched it and it's quite interesting actually. Several times it would come on, and I would usually flip the channel looking for something more interesting, but when I did watch it, it turned out quite intriguing. Movies based on true stories usually are.

It's basically about a journalist, who is exposed as having most of his pieces fabricated. How this was found out, and the aftermaths of it.

The point is… his fabricating of his stories was displayed as really a big thing. And come to think of it, it is. The news and papers are basically one of our major trusted sources of information. And if some of it is fiction, we would like to know about it. Remmebr the phrase: "it was on CNN, it must be true!" well that is not really applicable nowadays at all.

I don't know how thorough fact checking is here in Egypt, but I have my concerns. The official papers have very different versions from other opposing papers, ex. Al Ummah, al Fajr, al Naba2, etc etc. Some feel (me included), that these papers really spice up the stuff to sell more. But also others feel that some stuff can be told here, that would not be published in our regular official papers (Al Ahram, Al Akhbar etc). as a matter of fact, both opinions are quite true, and the search of the truth, is well, up to you. You believe what you think is more credible kind of thing. The media does not do as much as fabricate a whole story from A-Z, (maybe they do?), but they sure omit what they want and state what they want, thus making one story told in two different ways very very different.

Now when I see a news item on an Egyptian news channel, I check for the same piece of news in Jezeera, BBC and CNN respectively. Sometimes I get angry with one version or the other, but in the end I am not really sure which one to really buy into.

The business of truth finding has become quite skeptical. But it is good that we are not just exposed to one source of news, so it makes it more difficult to fabricate stuff and manipulate our minds. Oh well, we will see.

2006-02-19T21:26:00.000+02:00

Isn't it funny how the sight of a flock of birds soaring in the sky stopped being calming, and now brings a sense of foreboding instead?

Actually it is not funny at all. It is a frightening truth.

This morning, coming out to the street, there was this little pigeon walking in front of my building. My first impulse was: hey how cute! Then instantly I remembered the bird flu, and it did not look so cute anymore. Now, we have to remember to not come in contact with live wild birds. Now , they can be dangerous. As little and beautiful as they are. I always loved watching birds in flight. It was a peaceful and beautiful thing to watch. The height at which they soared. The patterns in which they arrange themselves. The discipline that they follow in flying for so long without rest, especially in migration. Really one should say…Sub7an Allah.

And now… because of this same endurance and height, they can carry disease into our countries… and there is not much anyone can do. Except for pray.

This really puts us (all of human kind) in our humble place again. A place that a lot of us had forgotten. We have to remember, that little do we know. And little that we can achieve. No matter how many rockets are in space, or how many DNA strands we can break down or rebuild. We are still a great big nothing in God's vast universe.

These birds soar so high. And on their own agenda. They do not pass through customs. They do not require a visa of entry. And they do not send a flight plan and wait for authorization to land.
And the virus. It can mutate. It has 4 different types as we speak. Only because of God's mercy have they not been transmitted between humans. We are helpless sometimes. We have to admit that.

Some thing as small as a virus…. As beautiful and gentle as a bird…. Can drive us all to panic. And we remember that we always need God. He can take this disease away. He can protect us and our children. And His will, shall always be.

What can we say: la ilaha illa anta sub7anak inna konna min al zalemeen.

I feel like I have been saying it more frequently lately. I have a feeling that is exactly what we need to say.

God save us all.

Belated: Thank you God.. and Congratulations.Alhamdulillah and alf mabrook

2006-02-14T21:06:00.001+02:00

Very late I know, but I just had to say this:

Alhamdu lillah rabb el 3alameen. through God's mercy and help, We have been blessed with winning the African cup of nations. congratulations to all Egyptians... not only soccer fans. This time, we all got sucked into it. Everyone. I do not usually follow soccer, but this time I was really hung up on it. So was everyone I know. And children too. The day of the finals, I was in the club earlier, and it seemed everyone had a flag in their hands, or painted on their faces. I was too nervous to watch the whole match. I would close the tv when things get tense.. then open it in a couple of minutes or so to see what happened. Nerves were a mess... but the relief and euphoria of winning were worth it we aktar. next day in the streets, everyone seemed a bit happier. alot of poeple with smiles on their faces. I do not understand much about the plays to criticise... but i do not think we won because we were the best. I think we won because God chose to bestow this gift on us. Alhamdulillah rabb Al 3alameen.

Also Alhamdulillah rabb al 3alameen, for the safe return of the kidnapped egyptian diplomat early this week. Al hamdulillah rabb al 3alameen

Why?

2006-02-09T19:44:00.000+02:00

I see news like .this in the news, and my heart aches. Being kidnapped can be one of the most horrifying experiences there are. And why? for what benefit are these innocent hostages taken? How can there be honour in such an act?

My heart and prayers go out to him and his family. May God help him out of this. God help him and us.. and forgive us. Amen

La ilaha illa anta sub7anak, inna konna min al zalemeen

wa 7asbona Allah we ne3ma Al wakil.

Message

2006-02-05T22:44:00.000+02:00

Been watching Amr khaled on tv right now. Was feeling guilty about not doing anything about what has been happening lately regarding the danish cartoons. of course I had told myself: what difference can I make really?

But then, I thought, if on judgement day, Prophet Mohamed (PBUH)asks me what I had done to defend him, what would I say? nothing?

I guess it is our role to do what we can... the fruits of our actions are left to God. We have to do what we can.

Amr Khaled had made a very good point... Anyone who knows the history and story of the Prophet PBUH, whether a muslim or not... would be insulted by such cartoons. And yes, it is partly our fault.. for not telling the world more about the prophet. so the rest of the world is left of guess and judge, not only about the prophet...PBUH.... but Islam and Muslims in general... through whatever they see. be it a terrorist attack, calimed to be in the name of Islam.... or whatever their media tells them.

to counter this view... the solution is not more threats and terror, but using the same tool... show the real face of Islam. The real values that the Prophet PBUH presents. It is not enough to say... this in not Islam... it is also important to show what Islam really is.

But in the end...to those who use mockery and disrespect towards religion... you are disrespectful and provocative. pure and simple. You do not insult 1.2 billion people in this world... and call it freedom of press. Freedom to hurt people's feelings.. that should be revised. that is not civilized at all... for poeple to call it part of modernization and civilization to be free to say whatever you want when ever you want.. stop right there. if it hurts someone else.... it is wrong. Basic human instinct tells you so.. even if you do not follow any religion in this world.and the man who you portray in these cartoons... what do you know about him really?

finally...
Amr khaled's word about it could be found here
and will be broadcast again at different times : monday and tuesday 7 30 am cairo time, and monday 7 15 pm on iqraa channel. downloads and tapes about seira could be found on various sites too.

Salla Allah 3ala Mohamed, Salla Allaho 3aleihi wa Sallam

The worm

2006-02-05T21:04:00.000+02:00

"There was once this worm. She was superman's worm. And she lived with superman in his house. She actually lived in a hole in the wall of superman's bedroom.

And the worm and Superman were very good friends. The worm would cook food for superman, and sit at the table and eat with him. Superman can easily see her, thanx to his super laser vision. Not the one he fights bad people with, the one he sees really well with. So, this way…. Superman never accidentally squishes her or anything.

When superman would fly, he would put her on his shoulder and fly with him. And they would go everywhere together.

Also, because the worm was superman's, she can fly. She was Superworm. She Also has a cape. She wears it and flies, and once saved another little worm.

One day, the worm was walking through the grass, and found something small and magic in the ground. She did not know what this thing was, but she ate it anyway. Now , this small thing was magical… so it made the little worm grow and grow till it was as big as the sky.

Oh my… Superman saw. The worm is really really big, how can we get her down?

So he used his laser vision to see in the stomach of the worm and saw the magical thing. He then used his laser eye powers (the one he uses to fight bad people with), and made the magical thing come out of the worm's stomach into her mouth.

Superman told the worm: this is a magical thing, spit it out! So she spat it out…. And she became small again. And now, the little worm walks in the grass and eats grass only and never eats anything else she does not know again."

This story was invented on the spot by my little 4 year old nephew today. I tried to type it exactly as he said it… just translated a few words into English mostly. Maybe I can show it to him when he grows up ISA…show him he had some good imagination. If anyone wants to use the story for a movie…please contact me for copyrights. :)

Paradigm Shift

2006-02-02T12:37:00.000+02:00

There could be two answers to this question. It could be a very old woman. Or a very young pretty woman.
depends on how you look at it. I have to admit, the first time I saw this picture, I could only see the young woman. The old woman was very hard to spot for me. I was reading about this in the Seven Habits book by stephen Covey. and I closed the book without finding her. I came across the picture again in another book, where they kind of explained how the old woman is in the picture. Then I saw it! and it was hard to see the young woman again. Its purpose was to show how things can be so different, depends on how you look at them. Good advice for a lot of stuff in the world today. You can look at something from one angle and have a view, then if you go and look from another , you would probably find a very different view. It would be best of course when we can see both sides, integrate them then see what the real picture really looks like. Because there is a TRUE image, or lets say it in a better way... a view that would hit closer to the truth of things. But to see it, we have to see all views first.

Funny thing is.... the book said that males were the ones more apt to spot the young woman, the women would recognize the older woman. yet,I recognized the younger woman first.. so?

Book Fair anyone?

2006-01-18T11:44:00.000+02:00

Oh I was so looking forward to the book fair this year! Actually I look forward to it every year. Was supposed to go today, but instead here I am sitting at home at the computer. I was supposed to go with my sister in law, but she told me last night that she can not make it, and it was too short a notice to find someone else to go with me. Maybe I can go tomorrow?

A friend of mine since I was 15 called me this morning, and telling her about the book fair she says: oh my , you still go? remember when we used to go?

Apparently she had lost interest in it. even then, she still remembers the one book she had bought 12 years ago when we went together. We were supposed to meet a friend, and did not find him. found another friend by chance instead and spent the day with him/them.. don't remember exactly. she remembers quite well though. Good memory :).

Nana is my usual bookfair partner. last week i sent her an email (she is in Canada now) telling her this is the first year in quite a while that we don't go together. She replied that that mail made her cry. I guess the bookfair is emotional stuff isn't it? hehe. no really, she cried because it just emphasised all the things that we miss about being around each other. She is supposed to come late March or so. I do miss her.

So back to the bookfair thing...want to go before the soccer thing gets the streets all crowded. Also to get the best picks in azbakeyya. For anyone who does not know this, if you go to the book fair, the azbakeyya has a very big section there. very good. and you can get very good deals too. After the prices of books have gone up so much, used books is almost the only way to go if you buy as many books as I do.

Happy belated eid adha wished by the way!

The dying room

2006-01-06T16:28:00.000+02:00

It still shocks me sometimes the amount of cruelty in this world. The heartlessness that you can not fathom. and when children are the victims, it just becomes a whole lot worse.

This is what happens:

In China, being over populated as it is, has been actively enforcing the one child rule since 1979. this in an effort to reduce the population, or at least limit its unchecked growth. Yes, everyone undestands the dire consequences of over population. But I do not think anyone explained this to the little victims in this story.

Having only one chance for a child, means for a lot that they have only one chance to get a son. So, millions of baby girls have been abandoned in the street, or killed at birth. yes, KILLED before they draw their first breath, because they are simply girls. And i guess that for some means useless and unimportant.

more detailed story would be found here. It is an old story, but I just heard these terrible details yesterday.

These girls who are not killed, and abandoned, sometimes face a fate that is worse than being killed at birth. Orphanages are just full of tiny little girls that have been left in the street to die. And unfortunately this does not change much when they get to the orphanage.

A camera crew (undercover of course) discovered in one orphanage, a room. this room had in it one tiny little girl of 2 years old, left to die. Hence; the dying room.
She had been left for 10 days, unattended, unfed, uncared for in any way. I saw her picture when discovered, and it was heartbreaking, and it just makes you so angry. Every morning they would send in a child to check if she is dead yet or not. !!!!

she died 4 days afer discovery.

What a cruel painful way to kill someone. more so for a helpless child. Just because she is a girl.

Why is it so inherent in humans from the beginning of history this look at women?

why have they always been looked upon as slaves? lesser in status and value than a man?

Does this come from the jungle rule? survival of the fittest? so The stronger man always feels he is superior? And how come it still applies today in some places? in this time, where so many things could now be easily and equally done by both a man and a woman?

It has only been recently that women are starting to be recognized as equals. And yet, the inherent mind set in alot of people is more difficult to change than laws that impose this equality. And why have women over the centuries been so submissive to this? Did they feel that they were being treated so unfairly? Have they all succumbed to the " this is the way it has always been" excuse?
How could the mothers of these girls agree to have their daughters killed just because they are girls?

This topic makes me so angry. In some situations , this prejudice against girls or women, would manifest it self mildly, as in unfair distribution of house chores for example. But here,.... it leads to numerous murders! human lives.

God has decreed that he who kills a single innocent human life, is as if he has killed the entire humanity. In arabia, during jaheleyya, Wa2d el banat (killing daughers at birth by burying them alive) was very normal.
And then Islam put a stop to all this. I remember the aya talking about judgement day, when the little killed girl would be asked for what fault was she killed?

It scares me what the human nature is capable of.

Dr. Meanie

2006-01-04T20:01:00.000+02:00

Even though I really enjoy teaching, every now and then… it just stops me in my tracks. I guess I have to see it coming, nothing is perfect and everything has its down sides. Ah well, just hope it does not change me too much. And Al ahmdulillah for all the good it does for me. I have to be grateful to God for it, really.

I was just talking to Me a little while ago, and she said she wants to talk about teaching as well. Don't know yet what her topic is exactly, but I do enjoy her comradeship. And would like her input on this. Actually I think several bloggers I know are teachers. Irina for one. Mmm.. who else?

Well my dilemma again…. I feel that I am becoming mean. Really. And I hate it. I do not like being mean to anyone. And I just hate it when one of the girls I teach gives me this look.. as if she hates me. But what can I do?

Sometimes I just have to be mean or firm… or else they just abuse you and literally suck you dry. You start out trying to be nice and understanding, accommodating. The kids today are suffering enough as it is… then sometimes they just get on your nerves and you turn into "Dr. Meanie".

An example:

I teach this section where half of the girls of the second year attend. And every week I find more than half of the other section attending too! It is because they prefer the time this section is taught, in opposition to the other section, which ends at 5 pm. I understand this feeling, but it is too much really. I get an increase of workload by 50%! This is not a section where I just lecture, it is a practical session, where I supervise the work of every girl. So it does make a difference. And the lab becomes so crowded and noisy. Last time, I told them that every person should attend in their own times. So today, faced with the same situation again.. I just sent them out. Even after they literally were begging me to stay. And I said no. I felt really mean. I felt it was for the sake of discipline more than the logistics.

Sorry for the boring details, but it made me feel really bad about myself.
After that, giving them a lecture, I noticed a girl in the second row chatting with her friend. To this girl I simply said: if you want to talk to your friend, then you do not have to attend the lecture. Meanie again. :(

Then I just said to myself: what the hell are you turning into? You are becoming so mean! Why don't you just taneshy! Eh el moshkela. Why have I become one of those teachers that are too strict, ghelsa ya3ny?

This also made me feel like a hypocrite big time.

Remembering my own days in college... I was way worse than them. These girls are angels in comparison to me and my friends. I never talked much in the lectures,...because I simply did not attend most of them! I preferred sitting in the sun with my friends. I also remember the way we used to regard the teachers that were just like I am now... we used to look at them as up tight. And really really not fun people at all.

I never followed all these proper ethics of learning when I was in their place… so what gives me the right to judge them or be strict. Does that make me a hypocrite? I know now that my attitude in college was wrong and disrespectful at best….but that can't mean I can just encourage the same.. just cause I used to do it.

I remember when I used to watch over them when they were in exams…. One girl politely asked me if she can ask her friend about something in the answer of one question. (cheat...but in a nice way I guess). This was not only refused by me… I was genuinely flabbergasted at the request. I felt it was unbelievable what she was asking. Cheat! What! Is she crazy!!!!

Retelling this to a friend of mine later… it was her turn to be shocked, but for other reasons. She was shocked that I denied the girl. " what ? I can not believe you said no to her!" you are one of those really ghelseen teachers walla eh?
You forgot how we used to be ? why are you acting so shocked!!!?

The strange thing was… I was not pretending to be shocked at the cheat request. It was genuine. I guess our view of things change when we are at the opposite end of the situation. And I do think cheating is wrong. And I would not do it now (I hope) if put in the situation. I guess I changed since then. But I guess I have to remember how it was then… to try to understand their point too. Not be so judgmental at least.

Mish 3arfa ba2a. just did not like the feeling of meanness that I imposed today upon myself. Did not like the hypocrisy feeling either. But otherwise they would eat me alive!

Days

2006-01-01T21:11:00.000+02:00

Some days are just more difficult than others. And then some days are easier than others too.

Some days are more fruitful than others. Not any day is like the other. But All are days of our lives. excuse the cliche.

Today was the first day of a new year, and besara7a, i have so much to be thankful to God for, al hamdulillah. Also it is the first day of the 10 first days of al hijja. lets make the most of them!

When a day passes, that is not so good, I say al hamdulillah, it is over, may tomorow bring better fortune ISA.

when a day is particularly good, I would like to remember it, to get me through the other days.

I did not make any new year resolutions this year, but maybe one of them is starting a diary again. I found out that the blog is tough for me to pour my heart out. Once in a while maybe. Hey, but it is great to talk to all my friends! The best thing i got out of this blog is meeting some very nice people in this world.

Note to all: Enjoy the new year, and relax.

you can eat chicken!

2005-12-27T19:34:00.000+02:00

I noticed lately, that due to the bird flu scare, that alot of people have quit eating poultry and eggs all together. Was gonna do that myself, but we eat chicken so much!

Also, I noticed that this is an opportunity for butchers to increase the price of meat. Of course on the other hand, the price of chicken is going down, but people are too scared to eat it. No one wants to get sick. Of course this is a very valid concern, but when in place. A lot of people do not know exactly what this bird flu is, and how it gets transmitted to man.

Wanting to eat chicken again, I looked it up in different places. I had already read that the virus dies at 70 degree Celsuis. So cooking them properly would put you on the safe side. The main method of infection seems to be among those who actually raise infected chicken, or handle them during slaughter and stuff. I also found a useful link on the net discussing it in detail. And now I know I can eat chicken, I just have to make sure it is well cooked. That, we already do. One point well taken: with eggs, we usually like them with runny yolks, and that seems to be a risk, as the yolks do not get well cooked. so now I cook my eggs properly :).

The sad thing is... it is easy for people who are well educated and well off to find this information out, and thus are aware of all the facts. They can eat the poultry, while they are the ones who can afford to eat meat everyday instead of chicken. Ironically, On the other hand, most of the population, is on the poorer, less educated and less cultured side. So they would probably just act on rumours, or on what they see on TV at best. So most of them are just too scared to eat chicken. And these people are unfortunately the poorest, and the least able to buy meat.

Wish Butchers would not take advantage of something like this like that. Also I wish that the media would increase the awareness topics, informing the public of the risks. May God preserve us all in good health ISA.

Gift package at Pasqua!

2005-12-19T20:55:00.000+02:00

"God sometimes gives you gifts in these small hidden packages."

I remember this statement, said to me by my friend O. a couple of years back. She was going through a hard time then (as was I) and she was telling me about how sometimes God gives you small gifts here and there, besides some very big ones of course, but the small gifts, are sometimes given in hidden packages. When you get them, you feel really happy, because small as they may be, you know they are Gifts form God, and in that you feel they are worth the world; because they may mean that God loves you, and wants to put a smile on your face. That is the biggest gift of all. and Indeed we all get these gifts, every day, we smile when we get them , and then, being what we are, we simply forget about them. One of these i got yesterday, and I thought, I should rememeber it. I have thought about it before, when these things happen, that i should note them. SO when not feeling Good I can reflect on them, and remember God's generosity and kindness to us. This one I share with you.

I had planned to go pass by Dalulla at Pasqua ( a coffee shop in lebanon street) after work. Going down the street, I remembered that swiza is down that road. I really love their mint chocolate. actually I love all mint chocolate, but i do not find them very often. After Eight has become rediculously expensive for everyday candy. So i thought: ok, I will stop by and get some, even if it is just a 100 grams. I just want the taste. Well, as it was, the street was very crowded and I could not find a parking place, so i just thought, " ah well.. another time then".

I got to Pasqua, and sat with Dalulla. I was not planning to get anything much except lemonade or something, then i decided to get a latte instead. The latte came,and next to it sat this small little package. tiny square flat package. I asked what is this? a chocolate? alot of coffee shops give you a small piece of brownie or biscuit with coffee. I opened it and voila: A mint chocolate!

That made me so happy. I had wanted exactly that. And that is exactly what I got, without even asking for it. It may seem trivial to many, just a piece of chocolate, but for me, it was so much more. It was a gift from God. Here is what you wanted. :)

God is so kind to us. And more, He knows each and every one of your heart's desires. God is the one that is able to give you that and no one else. All of us get these gifts all the time, and we smile when they happen, and think.. oh we are lucky. I think it is not luck. It is God. Al hamdulillah Rabb El3alamein.

I would like to think that I would record more of these. I am sure everyone gets these gift packages, wish everyone would remember them.

2005-12-11T00:40:00.000+02:00

ok it is official... roora and I are very very lazy bloggers, and our blogs are as stagnant as can be. every day i think i should write something, then go to bed instead!

i hardly have time to check on other blogs to attamen 3ala how everything is going. roora has reason to be busy i guess, her new job sends her other cities for days and everyday she comes home to sleep!

last few days i have been on a mission: saving sara! maybe i will talk about it later, fe post lewa7daha. she is a really sweet girl.

it is almost 1 am and i am sitting at the keyboard, knowing that the minute i go to bed, i am a goner. i should really go to bed now, i have work in the morning, and i have been going late quite often recently.

roora just came back from the club, and my coz. got her these cute cute slippers! and he told her not to tell anyone, lest we would all tell him to get us slippers! i think i will tell him to get me one. they are soooo cute.

since i just got a new digital camera and my new hobby is taking photos of silly things, i guess i will publish them! or some at least. the picture you see here is of the slippers i was talking about. they are very comfy.

As i write this, i get this feeling that i probably do not come across as very coherent. whatever brain cells are still awake are typing this, but not enough are up to actually grasp what i am saying. will read it tomorrow ISA and ashoof what i was doing :)

just thought to write anything, even blah blah blah, because i do miss blogging.

Can you teach ambition?

2005-12-01T10:49:00.000+02:00

One of the hardest things to do is to teach someone something that he does not want to learn. Teaching someone to change from the inside. How does one do it? and can you teach someone to be ambitious? to be inquisitive? to be active? and all other traits and charactersitics that are usually either there or not in the first place?

It would be easy to blame one's habits and attitudes on genetics. Yes some kids are naturally funny, quiet, naughty, bad tempered, cautious, etc etc. And I do admit, that genes are a big part of how we are. But from what I know, our basic personality comes from three things: genes, environment, and personal effect: either your own, or family. The point is: We can change. we are not mould in stone. "Innama al 7ilmo be alta7allom, wa al 3elm be al ta3allo", means being patient, comes by practicing being patient, and being knowledgable comes by learning. (I think that is the correct translation).

And teaching ambition, and the will to learn, is one of the hardest for me. Yesterday I was talking to my nephew. Ahamd is 11 and a half years, I know it is a tough wierd age, but he has to get through. Ahamad is really smart, I get that clearly when we are playing a game, thinking of something (that is not school related), or when he catches on very quickly. but when it comes to school, he just would turn it off.

He just told me: "I do not really like school, I do not like science either". this in response to a note from his teacher that his attitude and work are dropping, and his grades are slipping miserably. His answer just indicated that he does not really care. that scared me, because how is he going to succeed in life with an attitude like that? without the will to get better?

I talked to him about the future, how to have a good job, and be successful in life, how you need to work hard. you can not not care. he seemed to listen, but then when we were studying, his mind wanders off. His mother was monhara, she was the Type A student, she can not undrstand this attitude. And Trying to teach him to want to be the best! sure he wants to be the best in alot of other things, ex. in games and stuff, but not the serious stuff. I remember I used to like it that my teachers loved me. It was important for me. I wonder if when he tries it once, excelling at something, that he would cling to it.

Same in the university; some kids want to learn and are very eager, and others just could not be bothered. a colleague of mine was told by her student: "matet3ebeesh nafsek ya doctora, ehna hanetgawwez we no3od fe elbeit. el scaling (teeth cleaning) hayfeed al awlad fe eih?"

So why are you here? with an attitude like that? don't you want to learn well what ever you learn?

do you just want a college education to hang on the wall? some how that doesn't encourage teachers to put their best effort. We do it for the few who care, but it saddens me...why waste your life like this? when you have the ability to get better? Is it motivation that is needed? more competition? what? somehow I think this attitude of not caring to excel, is what is wrong with the whole nation. The mafeesh fayda attitude (like the universtiy students), or the "i am too cofortable to try" attitude (by my nephew). what ever it is, i really want to know, how to get to push their buttons!

clean up

2005-11-25T00:32:00.000+02:00

Every now and then , the clutter in my room threatens to drive me mad, and then I go on a mission: get rid of some junk!

Problem is, it is difficult for me to throw things away. Each and every thing somehow has a memory attached to it. It is difficult for me to let go. I am somehow a clingy type of person. I cling. And things just clutter and cumulate around me, till I run out of places to put anything I really need. When I do my occasional clean ups, I end up with piles of junk, esp. pieces of paper here and there, that I just do not want to throw away. And I am usually too tired by the end of the clean up to find a place for each and every one. So I end up putting them in boxes. Usually old show boxes do the trick. But time after time, this is repeated, and then I have about dozen boxes sitting around , under my desk, next to my stereo, in my closet and anywhere else that I can stash them. Today I thought I have to clear some. Some stuff really has to go.

Every time I do this, I throw away a lot of things that I really have no idea why I kept in the first place, but I also come across too many memories. A little paper, a ticket stub, a picture, things that carry within them a key to a memory that you have long since forgotten. These, I usually keep around. Depends on the strength of the memory. Here was a small list of some of the stuff I found today:

• The boarding passes to the plane when I went to Turkey a couple of years ago with rim. Why do I still have those? Those I threw away today. I have photos al hamdulillah to keep that memory.

• A letter I had written to A in the year 2002. I read that, and remembered how it had been. Not so great. Why do I have trouble throwing things related to him till this day? The memories are precious while the person no longer is. How come? It was an important part of my life, can't just throw it away. My part of it was genuine and worthwhile. It is not easy to just disregard as if never happened. Maybe real closure never really happened for me yet. The things just simply carry too much of my heart in them. And I still did not throw it away.

• I found this piece of paper, computer print, with a poem written to me on my birthday. It was a very nice piece of poetry, it was signed Hisham Gamal, and dated 5th of March 1997. Seems this person was really nice to me. Now the question is: who in the world was this Hisham Gamal? And why did I keep his piece of paper? I have no idea. Maybe I can check my diary for that time. Phew… whoever he is, his data seem to have been totally wiped out of my brain. Did not throw that away. Not till I remember who he is.

• I found my original Birth certificate! A yellowed battered piece of paper, in an old puzzle box! I have been looking for that! What was it doing there? Note to self: have important papers in that puzzle box. Also several copies of my graduation certificates! Did not throw that away.

• Tons and tons of mobile bills. That company really took a lot of my money. Threw those away.

• A blood test I took a few years ago for hepatitis. After I got hurt once, my mom freaked out because of my line of work, and decided I should test my self. I did though I hate needles. Negative al hamdulillah. That was in the year 1999. should check every year but I can't really. Can't take needles, esp. the ones that draw blood.

Haven't finished my junk cleansing yet. Do not know if I can find a hidden treasure here or there some place. But I really need to get to throw my things away. Or else rent some storage space somewhere 

Do not Forget

2005-11-21T23:29:00.000+02:00

During Ramadan, my family and I ( as well as millions of viewers) followed closely the TV program By Amr Khaled : "3ala khota el habib". The program narrated the sira (story) of the prophet Mohamed Peace be upon him beautifully, and from a different angle. Amr Khaled kept on relating it to us, now. It is not just a story to tell, he would say. And he is right of course. His life was not in vain, it was for us. For us to learn the message, and for us to follow. And also for us to maintain.

Over and over, Amr Khaled would urge us all, move, do something, don't just sit there with your hand on your cheek, crying and saying: wow how great. Do something! He would say over and over. I really felt for him, he was getting very frustrated, and was trying to hold on to the hope. He has to . there has to be hope. This is ummat Mohamed PBUH we are talking about, Moslems, Islam.

This is not the way we are supposed to be. This is not what the prophet PBUH fought for I think. The status of the Islamic nation. We need to rise again.

It saddens me to see, that there is not even the sense of belonging to the ummah among a lot of Muslims. I remember talking to a friend, and we were discussing the current issues, and I was saying: the ummah is in a tired state. and she started laughing: helwa ummah de. She actually found it funny the use of the word. That is how far a lot of people are from recognizing what we are.

Most people do not see Islam as part of their identity. They feel their identity comes from belonging to a country, a political party, a profession, or even gender. A lot of people, when asked to describe themselves, would go like this; I am a mother/Egyptian/teacher/friend/worker/activist/feminist/whatever etc etc etc, and rarely does the word Muslim come into the description. If you are a devout Muslim, just that word should describe plenty about you. If we are really As Muslims should be. Not as they are thought of now. Unfortunately, for a lot of people, the word Muslim, gives only the impression of a veil, or praying, not to mention people who view Muslims as barbaric terrorists. I remember a story about when ..someone .. don't remember… went into Andalus, and they recognized the homes of the muslims by the cleansiness of the bathrooms. This is but a small thing, but it is important. We are a million of these little things put together. We are lacking a big part of what we are, that is why there is little sense of the umah's identity.

I remember watching the program, and amr Khaled would keep on asking: are you gonna do something? Plz do something. I remember feeling that we should indeed do something. Something for Islam. Something for our ummah. After all that the Prophet PBUH has done for us, what are we gonna do? Then when I came back from omra, I got caught up in daily life and routine, and did not think much of it anymore.

But I was kind of reminded of my promise. And I am sure a lot of you promised something similar some time or the other. To try to make a difference.
Have a role. If you have forgotten , it is not too late to pick it up again. Sometimes I think: what can I do , really? How can I possibly make a difference?

But I believe, if I really want to , same with anyone, if I really have the will, God will show me a way.

I pray I see the day, where the ummah is strong and proud again. Sami yusuf's new album has a very nice song with that title : My ummah. Very touching lyrics.

There has to be hope, we can not let the prophet PBUH down. Not if we really belong to his ummah.

apology

2005-11-20T23:22:00.000+02:00

Was playing a game today, and in between levels, they give me this tip of the day thing. Usually i just disregard those, or sometimes they can make me smile. today one stopped me, because it struck me as true. And I have done it to others, and it has been done to me. And I thought, maybe I should work on this thing. A lot of the people I know would like me better.. :)

It goes something like this:

"Don't screw up an apology by giving excuses for yourself"

sometimes the reason or excuse for which you do something does of course make the deed more forgivable, but if there is no real excuse, then trying to give explainations is more for your benifit rather than the other person's. It is for your own self esteem, to feel that you are not so bad. Sometimes it is impotant to ackowledge that we are not angels, and that we can sometimes make mistakes, pure and simple. Then, maybe we can avoid making the same mistake again and again. And If you do apologize, mean it. Don't just say it to get it over with.

Sometimes i get an apology for someting, and the same thing gets repeated over and over, and then my question is: were you really sorry? did you even listen to me when i told you i was upset?

I remember once, there was this incident with someone, where I got really upset. And I could not let it go. The reaction of the other person was as follows:

first reaction was: Ignore it, it will pass.
Second reaction (when a day passed and i was still upset): anger, it is not your place to be upset!
third reaction: (when another day has passed and i am still upset: "I Don't understand why you are so upset"

Fourth reaction:

after a third day of being upset, and a verbal storm on my side, letting all of my anger out, and in a lot of aggressive words too.: "Ok, i am sorry. See how understanding i am. I am taking all of your shouting, because i know you have the right to be upset. I will make it up to you. How about I take you out to lunch to your favorite place?" after which: Are you ok now? Of course i was, and the episode ended there.

Some time later; for some reason it came up, and quite coolly and simply, I got this:
Of course i did not feel you were entitled to be upset. i don't think I was wrong, but i just wanted to get it over with, so we can have a good time!

And just like that, the apology was as good as taken back. and the lunch was wasted. because the point is... if something upset me so much, then acknowledge that you might be wrong, and don't take me 3ala add 3akly we khalas!

And if you do that one day, for the sake of keeping the peace, don't insult me, by telling me so later. What upset me was, this was one of the rare times that I got an apology from that person. And that was why I liked it, and for it , let the issue go. But if you just use it we khalas, and don;t mean it, then words are cheap, which is something I just read on Loulou's post on forgiveness. But not all words are cheap...An Honest person's word is worth the world... a dishonest person's word is not worth the breath with which it was said.

I sure will miss you Rim

2005-11-14T11:37:00.000+02:00

Rim is travelling to the States tomorrow. She is getting married there, Rabbena yebareklaha ya Rab. And of course she will live there. So i am happy for her, yet I am gonna miss her. The states, not as close as i would like. I don't know why my friends are scatterring all over the world like this! nana is in Canada,Rim is going to the states, 3 of my best friends are in Saudi.gheir my cousins in the states, dubai,London, bahrein, and kuwait. Well we have to admit, el hamdulillah for the Internet. it keeps things connected shewayya.

I remember when i first met her 6 years ago, in a ramadan fitar. she was introduced to me as Rima. that was her nickname, but for some reason i thought that was her real name. and i have her till this day on my phone by that name. when someone would call her Rim, i would think that that is the nickname, not the other way around!

till a couple of years ago, when we were travelling to Turkey together, and i took her passport to give to the travel company, and voila; her name is Rim! I told my parents: hey her name is Rim! and they told me: you are travelling abroad with her, do you really know her at all???

ghariba kanet giddan. I knew her very well tab3an, and we were good friends, and we had travelled together before, but in Egypt, just nothing formal came up for me to see her ID!

anyway, she is leaving tomorrow. I was with her yesterday and we were shopping for some stuff. and i realized this is probably the last i see of her for some time. odd feeling. All her details were highlighted for me all of a sudden. to keep in memory. felt bad that these last few months we were both busy or preoccupied, so we did not spend much time together. time steals our life away, and we don't even know it.

back at her house, i wanted to stay with her some more, but i wanted her to spend some quality time with her mom, plus to rest a bit. So i left and hugged her tight and told her to come back soon!

I really feel for her mom. She is trying to be strong of course, but God knows how she really feels. She cried a bit on Thursday in her henna when she thought no one was looking. Elel and I promised each other that we will not leave her, and would visit her often. hope it does some good.

an only daughter, tough to part with. she has another son, but forgive me, i don't think it is just the same. a daughter is also a friend and companion. I am glad she works, so she can have something to keep her busy. ISA God will help her out.

to you Rima, hope you have a great life ISA, and I do hope you come back often to visit. And we are gonna miss you.

Estawda3tek Allah allazy la tadee3 3endaho el wada2e3

After Omra

2005-11-09T20:40:00.000+02:00

just came back on the first day of eid from omra. al hamdulillah for it. did not know if i should talk about it, but it was really great. It is definitely worth sharing.

when i came back alot of people told me: it was so crowded. how could you enjoy anything in so much crowd? it is too tiring to enjoy.

yes it was very crowded. VERY CROWDED. but that was ok. everyone was there for one reason. all had the same thing on their mind, and it collectively becomes more contagous. the more the people, the happier I am. of course considering i have somewhere to pray. I am happy that so many people are there worshipping God. so many people are eager to pray. I hope God has Forgiven them all. and the rest of the umma ya rab.

everyone tries to gain credit. to increase their good deeds. i am not saying there are no exceptions, some people make mistakes of course, but collectively, all are racing to do better.

beginning from the time of iftar, where the people offering each other food could be as many as those taking food, to a smile in the face of your moslem brothers and sisters.

i rememeber the last night in haram. it was 3 am in the eve of eid. there was no tahajjud that night or tarawee7. the crowd was relatively less, and I finally had some time and space to sit close to the ka3ba. i filled a cup of zamzam, and offered a cup to a woman there who was crying. i started walking out. i had a bottle with me, which i wanted to fill to take with me home. i sat by the water barrels to fill it. the nozzle that let let out the water had no space beneath it for the bottle. i realized i can not fill it here. i was just thinking it, when this man just came up, picked up the whole barrel (which is quite heavy) and held it higher than its stand so that i can fill my bottle. he had just seen me and decided to come over and help. he filled it for me, without a word or look and went on his way again.

I said subhan Allah. really He is Al Shakoor. When you do something good for someone, He repays you quickly, and always more than you had given. I had given something trivial, a cup of water. i just handed it over, it wasn't even my water to begin with. and God rewarded me with someone to help me fill a whole bottle. I felt it then, of course because of the place and time, I am paying attention to God. and i realized, that this rule does not only apply in mecca or Ramadan. this is the rule with God. He is Al Shakoor. No good thing you do will go unrewarded. God is not only fair, He is very Generous. Gives you better than you Give, and forgives alot of the bad. trade with God is the best that you can do. Tigara la taboor. He will never be unfair to you. never go back on His word. And will always be The Generous that will give you more than you diserve. If we just follow his path. Do good to others, God will Send you someone to good to you. Help someone out. God will help you out. it is a done deal. hal gazaa' el ihsan illa al ihsan?

The Washing Machine

2005-10-19T18:34:00.000+02:00

I was just having my coffee infront of the TV after Iftar, watching nothing in particular. Iqraa channel was on, some programme that I was not following. The programme showed this Guy from the programme who had just knocked on a woman's door. I did not get if this was a random door he chose, or if she was specifically selected for some reason, but the woman happened to be an egyptian living in Saudi. She looked like she was a poor woman, with her kids around her, and she was smiling and talking to the Guy. The guy suddenly announced that he had something for her. A gift, i don't know from the programme or some charity cause , i do not know. A worker came in and brought in a brand new washing machine in its cardboard box. This is for you, the man said. The woman's face lit up with pleasure i have not seen in anyone's face in a long time. real happiness. "Oh my, I can't believe it, come in and see, I wash all my clothes on my hand". She was so happy, and her eyes were brimming with tears of unexpected pleasure. she kept looking at the machine while talking to him with love and tenderness as if it is a new born baby. I was glad to see someone so happy. " Al Kheir fe ommet Mohamed" the Guy said. (The good is in Mohamed's people). I felt like yes, Elhamdo Lillah.

I looked around me at all the luxuries we are surrounded with day in, and day out. We are so used to them, we take them for granted. We do not feel them, and we keep on complaining from petty stuff. We need to see others to appreciate what we have. We have so much. And we are not thankful enough.

Being thankful is not just by saying "elhamdulillah", though it is important. it is also by using what we have for the good. by having content with our status. by Appreciating everything God has given us. By trying to please God to try to thank him for all he has given us. and one big thing that we must do more often. We should let go of some of what we have, for the sake of those who don't. I say this, and my closet is full and over flowing with clothes. alot of which i do not wear. Our misery and stinginess hold us back from helping others. I hope I can over come this, maybe I can make someone as happy as this woman was just a little while ago. Everyone is the most generous in Ramadan. And we take good example from our prophet Mohamed Peace Be Upon Him, He was the most generous in ramadan, to the extent that he was like the sent wind. Salla Allaho 3ala Mohamad, Salla Allaho 3aleih wa sallam.

Little Sis

2005-10-16T00:38:00.000+02:00

My little sister. My new best friend. The baby in the family, like she says about herself. I know she would probably be embarassed reading this, but hey little sis, it's ok. You know I like it when you blush.

I have always loved her, and like any two sisters, we have our ocasional arguments, but at the end of the day, we are sisters. And we love each other. Ma shaa Allah. And yet these last couple of years have been different. she has become my friend too. We have both been through rough times, and we both listen to the other. Together we sit and talk, listen and analyze issue after issue. We also have grown to enjoy each other's company and laugh together and have fun together. Again I say: ma shaa Allah. God protect this gift you have given us.

We are different, in attitude and personality, and yet we are the same. We get to feel that we are the same when with strangers. We have same ideas and ehtics a bit, but our attitude might be different that is all.

We even started blogging together. Although we have our separate blogs. And until now, not many people know that we are sisters. We thought it to be that way, for each of us to have an independent blog and view and even comment. Even separate favorites and separate readers. Not to mention we can better back each other up in vital issues, without it seen as just sisterhood support. We back each other if we agree with each other. If not, we usually are honest about it.

Last thing, who is this precious little sister of mine? well her name is....Roora!

tagged

2005-10-11T01:37:00.000+02:00

Ok, Roora tagged me, or klukked me in this case. And this one is actually quite easy, it is about 5 random things about me. So I can say absolutely anything, right? Here goes

I am a dentist/teacher. The teacher thing came later in my career, and yet I find it is what I really enjoy. I do not miss at all working in people's mouths (though I still do it sometimes). But thank God it is not all I do. It can get quite boring in there!

I have 2 turtle pets. Zeina and bondok. How I came to have them: this guy, who was really interested in me, got it for me. I was still thinking about it, and taking my time quite a bit. This was his way of telling me that I had to pick up the pace, I am as slow as a turtle. Needless to say; I totally missed the point of the gift. Just thought it was a cute gift, full stop. Would anyone else get what he meant if in my shoes? Btw, it did not work out, but he was a really nice guy Wallahi.

I love playing computer games, strategy games and others. I am yet to find a girl friend to share my hobby. My 11 year old nephew is my best friend there. And dalulla's husband as well. It is a gigantic waste of time.

I am extremely attached to my nephew Ibrahim, and feel guilty for favoring him secretly (well I guess not so secretly now) over his brother and sister. He is just at this cute age of 4!!!

I like to cook, but that is the only kind of house work that I enjoy. My bedroom is messy 95% of the time. Have too much stuff, too little space. The problem is, I get emotionally attached to my things, the memory of anything I have done with it, I have a problem letting go of my things. I guess this makes it 2 random things in one. 

I tag anyone on my "blogs I read " list, if they haven't been tagged yet.

Body and Soul

2005-10-09T02:01:00.000+02:00

Human beings are made of what? 2 things; the body , and the soul. Blended together in life. Both are basic parts of us, and both are important, though very different. Also with very different needs.

The body is the part that eats, drinks, walks, plays, sleeps, mates, etc. in short, the earthly part of us, and thus needs earthly things to survive.

The soul is the part that loves, hopes, feels, prays, worships, believes, etc. in short, the heavenly spiritual part of us. It needs to survive love, fairness, prayer, sympathy etc. and needs its share of spiritual food to survive. It is this part that distinguishes us from animals I believe, more than our brains. I believe an animal is better than a brilliant scientist with no heart or love.

Very often, we tend to pay attention to one part more than the other, thus ignoring the other part till it slowly dies away. That part is usually the soul, being trapped as it is in the body. We pay too much attention to our bodily earthly needs, and forget about our soul. And every now and then , we would wake up feeling like we need to breathe. We are suffocating. This is our suffocating soul calling on us, sending its SOS, please help me, I need to breathe. Yet, a lot of us heed no attention to this call, and instead try to shut it down with yet more earthly food.

This is why Ramadan I believe is intended to increase the piety of Moslems. By ignoring our bodily needs for a big part of the day.. we finally give our heart and soul a chance to feel and breathe again. You can pay attention to it, without the worldly distractions. Even the day that I eat a little more, I find it difficult to concentrate or pray properly. Ignore your body a bit, you have been feeding it for 11 months. It can actually take a break. Just the fact that you are leaving your worldly needs for a little while for the sake of God’s approval, would automatically make us feel closer to God and connected to Him. May God accept from us and forgive us all.

I remember when I went to Mecca, there was this weird phenomenon I felt, the haram, the most sacred place on earth, the most spiritual, is surrounded with hotels for people to stay at. It is very convenient of course. Some of these, like Hilton, have a mall inside. And after prayer, esp. tarawee7, people tend to step inside for shopping or coffee or something. And the minute you step in, voila, it is as if you have a remote control for your self, and you can literally feel that you have switched channels. The mood and feeling shifts very quickly, as our bodily needs wake up, and we look around to shop, while some of us would still have the tear tracks on their faces visible from the kenoot doaa.

Sub7an Allah, both are important. Le badanak 3aleik 7ak, we li deenak 3aleik 7ak. It is not asked to forsake the world for the after world completely. It is not possible. We are not angels. But keep the balance, and let the soul control the body. Get your bodily needs from a path that does not contradict with your soul. Then, they can happily co exist.

Oh Ramadan is so good. El hamdo li Allah annaho ballaghana Ramadan.

The whole story is...

2005-10-04T21:24:00.000+02:00

I was just watching Iqraa chanel, where they were showing a new clip for a song called "Kol el hekaya" or " the whole story is..". it was performed by someone called Tamer Nour of whom I haven't heard before now. the song was of a religous theme, there seem to be more of those these days. i just got to watch part of it, but i liked what i saw.

the words went something like " the whole story is .. that we all worship God alone"
"Our father Adam and our mother Eve told us that all of the universe kneels down before God" " there is no one on this Earth whose heart did not once kneel inside and Say God the one and only" (a7adon a7ad)

he then went on to talk about terror, and how it is not ours. this had accompanying scenes that were a bit ..strong I think.

but the theme I got, from the beginning of the clip, where he is this moslem guy attending a christian wedding at a church and wishing the couple well, was unity between religions.

i remembered paul, he always tells me, that he likes to focus on what brings the religions together rather than what differences they have, and indeed they have a lot in common.

we all do Worship God. we have to acknowledge and remember that, instead of focusing on the differences only.

in the song, he says "Moses is a prophet, Jeses is a Prophet, and Mohamed is a Prophet". we acknowledge them all, and thus their religions and books that they had delivered as well.

will try to see the whole song another time, but I really liked the theme. peaceful, and loving mood, or is it just my first day in Ramadan mood? Probably both.

The first day of Ramadan is over, the first night too, and this is the second night. time flies away, Ramadan is passing too quickly, and I feel that I am missing out on alot of the Good in it. Time wasted that could be so better used. "ya Rab Barek fe Ramadan Le kol El moslemeen"
Amen

shut down

2005-10-02T22:41:00.000+02:00

These past few weeks, I have been mentally overloaded. Even though I might not be actually doing anything so hard, I have several major issues on my mind, all need a lot of mental effort. Too tired. Exhausted actually. Last night I was so beat, I went to bed at 8:30 pm! I don’t even have the mental energy to talk on the phone with my friends anymore. As each topic needs hours if not days of undivided mental attention and analysis, writing about them as I usually do to sort things out is not an option. It would take a decade kida. So I woke up today to find my mind totally numb. Not thinking about any of those things. Can’t. it is as if my mind has taken a vacation. It reminds me of a Dexter’s laboratory cartoon; Dexter was so busy inventing and working, and one day his mind just shut down till it cooled off. In the mean time he was behaving like a dummy. Hope that doesn’t happen here. Well, instead of making a list of all the things that I have to do, organize or analyze, I thought of making a light list instead. My books. (sound like a nerd don’t I), but I do enjoy reading a lot, I get excited like a kid when I hear of a new book store open. Don’t know how some people just don’t get it. Well here goes:

Books I have bought last month:

Mars and Venus starting over
Reader’s digest condensed books
Dave Barry talks back
The world’s worst mistakes
The world almanac
Tom Clancy’s Op-Center Line of Control
Big trouble
The Talbot Odyssey
Kissat al diyanat (story of religions)
3abkareyyat al siddik
fatawa el mar2a al moslema

books I have read last month;

Song of the beast
The bone doll twin (does anyone have part 2 or 3?)
Harry potter and the half blood prince

Am reading :

Mars and Venus starting over (tougher on me than I thought)
Dave Barry talks back (for light reading before bed)
The Quran (never ends)
Tons of articles!!

Need to start: Later when I am done with the zillion things on my mind

El ra7eek el makhtoom
7 habits of highly effective people

need to buy:

The dark tower part 7 Stephen King
Part 2 and 3 of the Tamir triad (part one: the bone doll twin)

I think most of my regular activities would change a bit in Ramadan, as will my priorities. Will try to stick to Quran this month, and my work related stuff.

Ok, I think I need a cup of coffee right now. After which I guess I will go to sleep? Very tempting, but it is only 6:30 pm! well, I’ll see :)

getting ready

2005-09-29T10:08:00.000+03:00

Get ready everyone, Ramadan is next week ISA! Allahumma Balighna Ramadan.

Today is my first day off for a while, and I have been too busy to look around. I sort of come back tired at the end of the day... talk on the phone a bit, read a while and go to sleep. Really need time to do some stuff. I'll try to plan things better from now on. want to get ready for Ramadan. Today I am gonna skip my morning coffee, try to have some juice or water instead. i will postpone that a couple of hours too ISA. If i don't do that, the first day really takes me by surprise. This year is the first in about 4 that i spend the first day here. It can be nice, though I miss it there. want to make a plan for ramadan this year. If I don't, I feel that alot of good things can pass us by.

so what are we to do?

lets see, we will fast of course ISA (rabbena ye3een ISA), try to pray tarawee7 and not be lazy after fitar. try not to get too attached to TV. The way we are bombarded with stuff, you would think we have a "who watches the most TV contest". well we will see.

these are the basics, basides of course trying to be on our best behaviour. there are alot of other things that can be done, not only in ramdan but year round, but this is a time for multiplied reward. Sieze it!

we see family more often in Ramdan , lets try to make it with the intention of selet ra7em (connecting with blood), also if we invite someone to fitar; lets make neyyet IT3am Sa2em :feeding a fasting person. if we go eat at a friend or relative, try to make the neyya to labby da3wa "accept an invitation" as it is of our duties to each other.

so many others. more charity in ramadan, read more quran, learn something you didn't know about your religion. learn by heart some part of quran. Have God always on your mind.

This is all so sporadic and generalized, should write them down in a more organized manner. I would welcome any ideas of how to make the best out of ramadan.

A recovered poem

2005-09-24T20:15:00.000+03:00

I was re-arranging my library the other day, when I came open this poem. It was one of those forwarded emails that I get, and I sometimes print out the ones that I really like. This has probably been sent to me over a year ago, I don’t know by whom, but I found it just now, and its timing is really good. Sub7an Allah. I needed to remember this right now, esp. that Ramadan is coming on ISA. :

"What happened to those days when my faith was strong?
When I wouldn’t dare think of doing anything wrong
When my yaqeen in Allah would lead me through
The good and bad… the old and new

What happened to those days when my du’aa was sincere?
When there was absolutely nothing on Earth that I would fear
When I was certain that Allah was really near
And would run to him and leave all that is dear

What happened to those days when I could read and recite well?
When I bought el janna and this dunya I would sell
When my heart was pure and full of light
When my qiyam was my only source of strength and might

What’s wrong my soul.. why did you fall?
Don’t you know that Allah knows and hears your call?
A little test like this one shouldn’t beat you so
It shouldn’t pull you down to a level so low

Don’t you know that Allah chooses what is best
And that this is all a previously planned test
Don’t you know that He hears your soul.. He hears your cry
He sees you fall .. He sees you sigh

Allah is great.. Allah is Al-Hakeem
His ways are just no matter how dark it may seem

Hold on my soul, to the fireball in your palm
Hold on to it and when it burns act calm
Whenever it falls, bend down and restart
Let those tears fall and wipe your heart

Remember, my soul, the beauty of the promised firdaws
You know it’s your dream to build there a house

Get back on you feet and go back to those days
I know this only a passing phase"

your route

2005-09-20T18:57:00.000+03:00

This week school started. Thank God. I needed a little more routine and order to my days. this summer has been totally sporadic. everything done on impulse; travelling, going out, staying home, shopping, reading, even working! while it is sometimes nice, but knowing that I actually have tons to do, I needed some settling down and routine. I also needed to get in the working mood after relaxing for 4 months. So this week i have been to work everyday now and waking up early has been wierdly refreshing.

anyway, driving to work this morning, I was listening to the radio (negoom FM) and I heard this very short broadcast called (tareekak delwakty), Your route right now. This guy was actually telling us which roads are crowded at the moment, which are better routes to take, where the traffic jams are, how much time is expected to go somewhere etc. I couldn't believe it. It felt like a dream come true, and this guy is my new best friend. I live quite on the other side of the city from where I work, and going to work everyday, I never know how it will be. So, I was really happy with this. People tell me this has been on for a while, but i guess i missed it because i usually listen to tapes, but the player wasn't working for some reason.

needless to say, the guy said that 6th of October bridge was very crowded, and yet I took it anyway. after all what choice did I have? and yup, sure enough, it was very crowded, and I got to work half an hour late. I think I spend too much of my day driving to and from work. Have to find something interesting to do on my way. any suggestions?

Women in Islam

2005-09-13T20:55:00.000+03:00

For all those who claim that Islam is unfair to women, maybe you would like to check out this post at Roora. It is quite interesting.

Paying in Kisses

2005-09-12T14:14:00.000+03:00

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart

Your husband
Allen

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items...........
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise !!!

Your Sweet Heart

What are the options?

2005-09-10T22:44:00.000+03:00

Sometimes I really need a way out, and there is nothing I can do. then one day, a door opens, an option is introduced, then I think about it a while, is this it?

A door opens yes, but sometimes it is not right for me. No. I feel I can not go through. This option doesn't get me out. takes me somewhere else maybe, but doesn't get me out. Then I grudgingly pass this door, afraid to go through, it doesn't feel right. I can't use this option.

then I sit and wait, waiting for another way out. Sometimes thoughts come back to haunt you. Was that the right door? The one you just let go by? Did I miss my chance? Was I wrong? then I say, well it didn't feel right, so I couldn't have gone through. It was not really an option after all. I just couldn't do it.

Another door looms ahead. Yes, this is it.. I feel hopeful. Then as it approaches, i get scared again. Is this the correct way out? It is risky, very risky. I know i sound like a hesitant person for someone who needs a way out.. but the way out should not feel this way. It should not feel like a logical decision. It should feel like something your soul longs to do. Will I let this door go by too?

And then I sit and think, is something wrong with me? Why am I unable to go through? Am i still clinging to that old place, which does not belong to me? I hope not. there is no door going there I think, and even if there is, don't want to go there any more.

But I so want the feeling I had there. But in a better place. A real place that is mine.. not fake.

As I sit and wait for my door, I realize that nothing is in my hands, I ask God to show me the way, send me a door, make it just right for me. And make me want to go through. all I can say is La 7awl wala kowwa illa billah.

Thank you Mom

2005-09-10T18:51:00.000+03:00

My mother always tells me "You have no idea how much I love you, you will only know when you have a child of your own". I always tell her " but mom, I do know, and I love you too!"

But she always insists it is not the same at all.

I am yet to have a kid, but I get glimpses of motherhood from time to time, and I think I am starting to understand.

These glimpses of course come through my nephews. I have 2 nephews, 4 and 11, and one niece of 2 years of age. I love them all, but I am guilty of secretly favoring the middle Boy of 4 years old (Ibrahim). Is it normal to have favorites? Hana should be the favorite right? she is a girl, the youngest, and also shares my birthday! but I can't help it.

Well anyway, Ibrahim is attached to me, and from time to time he likes to spend the night with me. The most recent being last night. and I get to see then how a mother is with her child. (or as close as I can).

Your priorities immediately shift, He is the priority, his rest, his happiness, his sleep, everything. When going to sleep, we turn on cartoons to watch, even though I am used to watching something more adult like before I go to sleep. I turn off my phone, so no one would call and disturb him. He sleeps next to me, and all night, I sleep very lightly, I am always ready to wake up at the smallest sound coming from him. Not because I am a light sleeper (I am not), but I worry he would wake up startled and would want me to comfort him. I care that he is well covered, even if it means I am not. that is actually the case quite often, because he fidgets alot and ends up wrapped in the covers.

When he wakes up, even though I almost never think of breakfast, it is suddenly my top priority. and I want to make him something he likes. well to make a long story short, my happiness comes from his, even if I am tired, or uncomfortable. Sacrafices come easy. They are a pleasure in their own.

I realize if he was my kid, I would be used to it, and wouldn't be too careful, but I understand the concept. The love and care you give, even though the child is too young to understand how difficult it can be sometimes. Mothers do not give for appreciation and credit. they want nothing except the happiness and health of their kids. It is a pity that we only realize this when we are much older, after we literally put our parents through hell in our teen years (and alot of other times too). Escpecially that the biggest effort they do is when we are very young, and we hardly remember these years later on.

I hope I can Repay my mom just a little bit. Wish I can make her happy. I know I can't possibly come close to repaying her. But i can try :)

Thank You God for the blessing of motherhood, of the mercy that You put in a mother's heart to care for her young, even among animals.

Bully

2005-09-06T23:24:00.000+03:00

I was reading this post at Me the other day, and then another at roora's about the blogosphere, and some serious verbal abuse used in some blogs.

Of course it rang quite a bell. I have seen a lot of those, not to mention been lashed out at here and there. In one of the posts, it was so irritating, I told the person to stop this bully business, and all I got was my comment deleted, so I guess it is useless to talk to them , right?

What it really reminds me of is high school. You know those mean girls that bully everyone? The ones that think they are better than everyone else, and their popularity is their number one goal in life?

The irony of the matter is, these never turn about to be really popular in real life. In real adult life, no one tolerates a mean person. Well they would have some friends of course, even serial killers would have a gang, but they are never loved by strangers, or by community in general. These high school bullies grow up and find that they can’t get away with that anymore. The weak ones in school usually develop some muscle, and can usually defend themselves.

But on the blogosphere, these people are adults.. and yet they act the exact same way, they surround themselves with a gang, whom they suck up to big time, and start mocking and laughing at anyone who doesn’t agree with them, or just for fun (just like at school!). these people depend on the decency of others to not stoop down to their level. Although anyone can. Or they use their power if they are the blog authors to delete and edit the conversations.

My question to those blog bullies who still live in their high school make believe world:

What are you doing?
Are you actually popular in real life?
Would you want someone you care about to see your blog? Unedited?
Do you have real friends? In real life, not on the net?
Do you think that you are smarter than everyone else?
Why don’t you put your obviously creative wit to something useful instead?
Do you know what everyone who doesn’t suck up to you think of you?
Do you know that you appear ridiculous? (you do)

Finally
Do you know who you are?.. I am sure you do.

A gift

2005-08-31T22:33:00.000+03:00

yesterday I was out to a few places, and came home with 3 gifts.

I went for lunch first, where a very nice person I know had just come back from Denmark, and got me this beautiful silk scarf. All wrapped up in a fancy bag with a satin ribbon. it looks quite elegant and quite expensive.

I next went to my favorite dentist, where my sis was having her tooth done. He gave us a couple of tapes to listen to as a gift.

I then went over to visit nana's mom and kids. (Nana my best friend in Canada). they had just come back from Canada where they have been visiting her. Her mom gave me the stuff Nana sent me as a gift: Harry Potter and the Half Blooded Prince, and some vitamins :)

I was telling my sis on our way home : hey I got 3 gifts today! I wonder which one I am most thrilled about.

it came to me that the value of a gift is often more related to the giver and circumstances rather than the actual value of the gift.

I realized that I liked getting the tapes the most, even though they could be found anywhere for 5 L.E. each! The person who gave them to us is someone I greatly admire and have admired for close to 10 years. We have never been friends, but i so respect and like him. because a gift from this person was so unexpected, it was quite refreshing.

the silk scarf was really beautiful, but made me feel a bit funny, I felt obliged to get the person something back, and i didn't know if I can. Also i felt that I might not diserve it.

The Harry Potter book is indeed great, but nana is so close to me, and I have been literally nagging her to get it, it didn't feel like a gift. It is like when you tell your mom to tell you to get Icecream on her way back. It is but a fraction of our friendship that i so cherish. that is her real gift to me.

But A gift has such a beautiful meaning, esp. when given in no occasion, just for no reason. It shows that someone cares about making you a bit happier by giving you something that you might like. It shows someone was thinking about you when they got it. It shows someone wants to reach out to you without expecting anything in return (most of the time) except that you enjoy it. I remember the Hadith by the Prophet PBUH:" tahadoo ta7abbooo" meaning that if you exchange gifts, you will love each other.

Zionism and Judaism, not the same?

2005-08-29T10:17:00.000+03:00

I just read this very interesting comment at Dalulla. It talks about non zionist Jews, and tells there is a difference between Jews and zionists.

It was good reading it from another point of view, not Muslim, but Jewish. I know from Quran that , even though alot of the people of the book are said to do great injustices, there are also those who are adherent to their true faith, that are just, good and believe in God. the verses I recall are in sooret Al 3emran, 3rd chapter in Quran.

In no means should we generalize. labelling a whole ethinic group with something that some of them do is not fair. interesting link at Dalulla's.

Social Segregation

2005-08-26T21:25:00.000+03:00

I was reading a while ago the novel "3omaret Ya3kobian" Yakobian's Building. In it, the author describes tenants of this famous building that exists in down town Cairo. He tried to give us a small display of all different types of people in the society, the rich, the poor, the ladies' man, the politician, the merchant.. Etc. I did not like the fact that almost all of these portraits are not really the normal, or at least accepted, the average Joes were not here at all. I guess he thought they would not make interesting stories, but this one guy Taha, the only one who seemed like a hard working ethical religious character in the story, he turned him into a terrorist at the end! Didn't like the implication, but that is not what grabs me here.

The story talked about how he is so proud, and maintains his dignity, even though he is the son of the doorman. In its own, the doorman job is honorable and there is nothing shameful about it, but the society unfortunately imposes a social segregation, as if making them into different people. This is not Islamic in any sort.

The guy Taha talks about how when he went to college for the first time, was in awe of all the different people, and how people were almost immediately divided into different groups according to social or financial standards. A metaphor he used that I liked: Like oil and water so clearly separate, so did the different social standards. They do not intermingle at all.

When I read this, I remembered my days in college, and yes this so did happen. But I don't recall consciously deciding not to mingle with this or that, it just happened naturally somehow, did not think of it as segregation, but now that I am working, it is much less pronounced, people mature a bit I guess, and realize we are all the same more or less, I can mingle with anyone as long as they are decent and polite.

But I had never looked at it from the point of view of the others, the ones of a less prestigious standard may I call it? It was described that Taha was terrified of talking to anyone lest they would ask him what his father does, and he has to lie, or appear inadequate. Insecurity led him to stay away from the social life. Then he found solace in this guy whose socks he noticed was full of patches and holes. That is who he could be friends with.

I felt bad for him, I wouldn’t want to think that anyone would not talk to others because he is of a lower social or financial standard out of shame. I would like to think that talking to one’s same standard is because they would have more in common, have similar interests, backgrounds and so can have more fun together, but not for feeling inadequate for any reason.

And yet, I know this segregation is true. The society is a harsh and cruel critic and judge. And Is so unfair. What makes one better than another is their deeds and heart, not their worldly possessions. What we have in life is often out of luck and fate rather than us being superior or inferior to anyone else. And it does not make us superior or inferior either.

Wish people would take the time to talk to one another, even those that they feel are “not their type”, just for the sake of lessening this segregation thing. We are all brothers and sisters after all.

The Deaf, Dumb and Blind

2005-08-25T11:59:00.000+03:00

My sister was telling me the other day how she was so surprised, more than frustrated, that she had been trying to convince someone of something that is so clear! What she was trying to convince the other girl of made so much sense and yet the girl could not or would not see it. My sister said : " it is so wierd, deaf, dumb and blind is right".

I know she was referring to a verse in Quran (2:18), where God was describing disbelievers that choose to purchase the error for guidance. their commerce was not profitable and they were not guided. ""they are deaf, dumb, and blind, so they return not (to the right path).

The thing is, although she was not discussing a matter of belief or faith with the girl, yet she felt it applied. It symbolizes someone that would not see what is infront of them, would not hear what is said to them, and can not say true. These almost have no good use of their senses that in the end they are like someone who has no senes at all. if you do not listen, you are like the deaf, if you do not see, then you are like the blind. It is a powerful simili indeed. if you are deaf, blind and dumb, then you would be so easily misled.

In another part of the quran, this simili is more explained in words that mean: it is not the sights that go blind, but it is the hearts in the chests that do.

i can not remember the verse's place, and the translation is my own, I apologize if it is in accurrate.

But the point is, the hearts are the most important,they are the parts that feel and believe. and these are the ones that sometimes harden, and become un responsive.

another verse about the people who choose not to see or understand:
"Do they not think deeply in the Quran or are their hearts locked up (from undestanding it)." (47:24)

Hearts are the key to the matter, open them up, softent them and you will be able to see, hear and actually sense and understand.

Withdraw

2005-08-21T03:43:00.000+03:00

Arghh, I just was discussing this today, and I was almost going to lose my temper with a half American half Egyptian Muslim friend of mine!!!

I was so angry that every time I turn on the news there is coverage of the Gaza withdrawal and sad photos of a poor poor Israeli being "thrown and dragged" out of "his" ??? home.. and they keep on playing and replaying it all the time. and we are supposed to be sympathetic with them?!!!!

These people came to "Settle” in a land that they know came to them by throwing someone else out of their home, they know! They are accomplice as far as I am concerned. They went to a land that they know their precious government has conveniently evacuated by knocking down the houses of some Palestinians (but I guess they did not think it was wrong, do the Palestinians count as people? is probably on their minds). And they lived happily on this grabbed land. And of course their precious government did not drag anyone out of their houses, oh no... The Palestinians ran out on their own for fear of dying under the rubble when the bulldozers started knocking their houses down!

And then when they get out (after months of knowing about it and being promised compensation (for what!!?) they just cry and throw a fit like a spoilt kid that has been told to stop kicking the neighbor’s kid.

this friend of mine was telling me, “but it is of course so dramatic, this is their home... imagine if your own government throws you out of your home to build a highway, oh think of then as human beings!!!”
What? Excuse me? I almost yelled at her, I think I kind of did.

How could you, this is not theirs to be thrown out of. What the hell logic are you talking with?

These people were sympathetic with whom when they wrongfully took the land of the Palestinians?

And she is a Muslim and Egyptian, then again she is half American, born and raised there, on their values, and brain wash that ... actually I can't even think of what the hell values make them able to think this way.

And people are sympathetic why? Because the media keeps on playing and replaying this as a tragedy! And when Israel came into Palestinian houses dozens of time a year, it is but a foot note on the news bar at the bottom of the screen. No photos, no coverage, nothing.

So are Palestinian’s lives and homes of less worth and value to be mentioned? And these are not even Israeli homes and houses. What is built on wrong is wrong.

I didn't know who to be angrier at, the media or my friend. My friend I think, because it felt so like a betrayal.

Maybe will develop some more lately when I calm down.

Skills, how do you use them?

2005-08-19T12:06:00.000+03:00

Which is more important? Your skills , or how you use them?

Skills are important, and valuable, yes, and one would like very much to be skilled at what he does. So are certain traits. Some traits are very rare and needed. But when using these skills badly, one would wish they had none.

Make myself clearer:

Examples of a skill or trait and how they can be misused:

1. Being charming, expressive, eloquent and attractive:

Could be used
a. to win people over for good causes, or,
b. could also be used to win people over to evil causes, or to emotionally manipulate people, deceive them etc.

2. Being Very smart

Could be used for:
a. Inventing a cure for cancer or,
b. Inventing biological weapons

3. Being a perfectionist:

could be used for:
a. Constructing a factory or machine perfectly, or,
b. Being an assassin, thief, killer

4. Being a good writer with good command of language:

could be used for:
a. reaching out to people with beautiful meaningful writing, also help those who are not so good with their language, or
b. writing absolute rubbish, or disturbing things, or mocking those who can’t.

millions of examples really, but the thing is, when having skills, if you use them improperly, you are worse than someone who doesn’t have them but at least if has them; would use them properly.

Brain Wash

2005-08-16T08:44:00.001+03:00

ok, this is the second time i write this post. i wrote it yesterday, it was wierdly enough posted twice, then i tried to delete one, it deleted both. i'll see if i can remember what i said

"I have been reading a few interesting posts at haal's blog. A word that repeatedly came up was "brainwashed". What does the word Brain wash mean anyway?

I guess it can mean being excessively influneced by an outside factor to the extent that you can not think for yourself, you believe other people ideas with out really thinking about them, and even think that they are yours!

The big problem is, if you are brainwashed, how would you know it? that is part of what being "brainwashed" is about. your brain is being washed of all coherent and rational thinking.

I guess what helps is exposing yourself to more than one source of influence, read (or listen to ) more than one side's point of view, and in general address the matter objectively and not defensively, and put the possibiltiy in your mind that you might be wrong. If after this, you still come out believing what you do, then you can feel comfortable feeling that these are indeed your ideas, whether right or wrong, they are yours.

I know it is easier said than done. No body likes to think they are wrong. It is scary and destabilizing, but what other way to move forward? and if approached properly, the position you got to at the end would be even more reassuring and comforting. So who are the mastermind brainwashers in the world? they do have great power:

1. The media
2. The media
3. The media
4. Society and its rules
5. your immediate family sometimes
6. sometimes your significant other
7. Anyone with the power to influence you could be a source

Beware of Ego, it is a serious obstacle in the path of seeing the light and moving forward.

NB. this post has nothing to do with the content of haal's posts

Virgin Heart

2005-08-14T22:39:00.000+03:00

In the heart of every woman there is place for one special love. usually this is the first love, but not a rule. A love that one calls "the love of my life". A love that invades you completely, makes you live for it and by it. An all consuming feeling that you are complete only when with him. Before this love, your heart is practically a virgin. It is usually taken back by the intenisity of the feelings, and then gives in completely, with little space for anything else. You can sacrafice anything, go to great lengths, climb the highest mountain as they say.

Some women sadly never experience this. They may love someone and marry them yes, but not everybody tries this pure abstract form of love. And sadder yet, are the much more common cases, of women who do indeed experience it, then get their once virgin hearts broken, and then go through life looking for something similar, never to find it again. Their hearts are simply not virgin any more.

A lot of my friends have experienced this, then maried someone else in the end. Someone they love, and whom they could be happy with, but they all say the same thing: it is not the same.

Having known a much more powerful feeling, they would always feel that they were somehow deprived of something. And it is very difficult to experience the same emotions with someone else. They are truly blessed the ones who marry "their loves of their lives". Althought I know there are unhealthy sides of this all consuming love; rationale is usually thrown out the window and when heartache comes, it is a killer.

Just a request for all those out there, don't go playing with virgin hearts. I know this sounds like a cliche', but I am serious, it is not a game. You would be depriving them of their chance of being able to love again that way. And you could be a shadow in their life for the rest of their lives.

Blog Ads

2005-08-14T00:44:00.000+03:00

has anyone noticed the invasion of the ads?!!!

I guess advertisers have found it cheaper to put a link through comments rathar than pay for the ads. They start out by flatterring you and complimenting your blog! As if you would get all up and excited about it and run to check the link. I did open a laptop site though, so it might actually be working. Is the complement the going rate these days to place an ad on your blog?

I think this phenomenon could be related to this article that i have found through Shirazi's blog. It shows that bloggers are of a higher income level than regular internet users, and more likely to buy stuff on the net. And it also says that advertisers are not to ignore blogs as an advertising board. wouldn't it be cute if ads can be placed on personal blogs for money, given to the blogger? The more popular the blog, the higher the fee? It sure would motivate alot of bloggers to keep their blogs updated and interesting, and capitalism would invade the blog world!

left overs?

2005-08-13T17:14:00.000+03:00

I just read this post at roora's blog. Talking about waste and throwing away left over food when so many people are starving all over the world.

Of course, giving them to the needy would be great, but also in the interest of helping our economy, not being just a consumer society, we eat and eat and then eat some more than throw away what we don't like, maybe we could recycle our food!

At the risk of sounding like Martha Stweart, here are some tips i learnt from my mom about reducing your waste, and recycling what you have:

1. Buy just enough fresh fruit and vegetables, don't over buy.
2. If some fruit is about to go bad, you can incorporate them in a smoothie or jello. ("incorporate" does not sound right with kitchen advice:) )
3. Stale bread can be dried or toasted to be later ground into crumbs for different breaded food. Or cut into cubes for ceasar's salad.
4. 1 or 2 day chicken can be cut into small pieces and disguised into a vegetable casserole and soya sauce to make chinese food. Same with beef.
5. Don't add dressing to your salad till right before serving to make it fresher at the table
6. Old white cheese, (which has not gone bad) can be great with tomatoes and olive oil and cumin
7. Can't find a good recycling method for rice or macaroni. Wait till it dries and give it to someone who raises chicken for them to feed.
8. Cook the correct portions in the first place!!!

These are especially useful in ramadan, when no one wants to see leftovers on the table at fitar time.

P.S. giving away to the needy is still the best option.

small pleasures in life

2005-08-10T17:06:00.000+03:00

we all have basic needs to survive; food, clothing, shelter... etc. But we also need other things to make us happy, a mental vitamin if you will. things that cheer up your day, these are other than those that make you psychologically healthy and sane, those i list under the basic needs. the small pleasures i mean are like icing on top of a cake. the cherry in your icecream, the anchovies in your pizza (if you like anchovies). they just make you smile. stuff that you really enjoy. here are some of the things that i enjoy

1. having coffee and chocolate with my friends
2. a good book
3. jigsaw puzzles
4. shopping at flea markets
5. playing with my nephews
6. the smell of grass when freshly cut
7. playing video games
8. buying nice smelling things
9. talking to new people (not just on the net)
10.chinese food

these are a few of my favorite things. thank you God for them and all others.

did i mention i love chocolate? and icecream?

The myth of having it all

2005-08-02T15:24:00.000+03:00

In relation to my house wife mentality blog, where working and staying home are too different things, with their pros and cons, I just realized that sometimes our options are very limited by our circumstances. Having it all is apparently very hard to find. I just read this article about the issue, showing how difficult it can be for us. We have 2 jobs, balancing them is almost a magician trick. And ones who do it, really really diserve a trophy. (or at least more appreciation!).

Actually here in Egypt, if you work in the government, you would get great family support for being a mom; you can take leave for years for child care, and have your job waiting for you at the end. The first 2 years of a baby's life, the mother is allowed an hour off (called nursing hour!) So moms can actually hold on to their jobs and have families at the same time. but of course governemt jobs have their drawbacks (don't need to list them, anybody in Egypt would know what they are).

It is the private sector that is merciless on women. You know that in a lot of resumes, being a married woman is a disadvanage? A married man is a better bet for them, "he would work harder for his family" is the theory. I guess for them it's a man's world phrase goes just fine.

2005-08-01T00:55:00.000+03:00

i just stumbled on this blog called 100 reasons why i hate my husband. it is really wierd. i didn't know to laugh or cry. this woman is literally listing 100 reasons that she hates (and yes i very much believe she does) her husband. she says it is for the sake of their daughter, but come on, your daughter would probably be better off if you two are happily married, or happily divorced. growing up in a house where the parents hate each other can be very damaging to the child psychology.

and i felt so sorry for her (even though i don't approve of talking ill of your partner). being stuck in a marriage with someone you hate... much worse than being alone. hope she finds her peace before she kills him!

House Wife Mentality

2005-07-31T12:39:00.000+03:00

Do house wives have a different mentality than working women?

With some exceptions, I think they actually are different. my job is somewhat in between (I have a light schedule, because I teach at the university, basically 4 days a week usually and the days almost never go past five. and in the summer not past 2 or 3 pm). So I see the changes with the different seasons. in the summer I find my moods and habits more domestic (want to make something yummy, wanna just sit ant talk on the phone and watch TV, want to change or tidy up stuff) and when there is work, I have other things on my mind, and I think the balance is good. But most jobs are unfortunately all or none rule. You either work 8-10 hours a day for 5 days a week, or you stay home 24/7.

What are the differences in the mental process?

Working women are usually more practical, less tolerant, more independent, slightly more efficient in time management, more socially and politically aware, and their whole mood is somehow different than a house wife.

A house wife would be more patient, resilient usually, a bit laid back, more dependent, and things tend to take more time. Also I think working women are more apt to cut corners here and there, if it works it goes attitude. House wives can afford being perfectionists and thinking into things more.

I can't really put my finger on it, but there is somehow a difference.
and there is a difference between house wives who have worked before and are at home now to take care of their kids, they sometimes have a working women mind (like my friend D) and ones who never considered working except if they had to.

Can’t be unfair, I know this stereotyping is a bit too generalized and I know it is not to be meant for all. I have seen men that would not consider marrying a house wife, while others would not consider marrying a working woman. Not for financial reasons, but for the differences that I am talking about.

the extreme of both cases is not desirable, staying at home with no interest in the outer world except cooking and the prices of the latest fashions, or where can I get fresh tomatoes; or working all the time, and not knowing what the hell is going on at home. Your kids do need their TLC. And it is such a noble and important job taking care of your children.

I know I might be a bit biased being a working woman, but a friend of mine who used to work and doesn’t now because of her little kids once told me : “I feel like my brain is rusting away”. Don’t want that to happen. Problem is, it sneaks up on you, and you would not even know it.

Social Segreggation

2005-07-28T11:38:00.000+03:00

I was reading a while ago the novel "3omaret Ya3kobian" Yakobian's Building. In it, the author describes tennants of this famous building that exists in down town Cairo. He tried to give us a small display of all different types of people in the society, the rich, the poor, the ladies' man, the politician, the merchant.. etc. I did not like the fact that almost all of these portraits are not really the normal, or at least accepted, the average Joes were not here at all. I guess he thought they would not make interesting stories, but this one guy Taha, the only one who seemed like a hard working ethical religous character in the story, he turned him into a terrorist at the end! Didn't like the implication, but that is not what grabs me here.

the story talked about how he is so proud, and maintains his dignity, even though he is the son of the doorman. In its own, the doorman job is honorable and there is nothing shameful about it, but the society unfortunately imposes a social segreggation, as if making them into different people. this is not Islamic in any sort.

The guy Taha talks about how when he went to college for the first time, was in awe of all the different people, and how poeple were almost immediately divided into different groups according to social or financial standards. A metaphor he used that i liked: Like oil and water so clearly separate, so did the different social standards. they do not intermingle at all.

When i read this, i remembered my days in college, and yes this so did happen. But i don't recall consciously deciding not to mingle with this or that, it just happened natuarally somehow, did not think of it as segreggation, but now that i am working, it is much less pronounced, people mature a bit i guess, and realize we are all the same more or less, I can mingle with anyone as long as they are decent and polite.

But i had never looked at it from the point of view of the others, the ones of a less prestigous standard may i call it? It was described that Taha was terrified of talking to anyone lest they would ask him what his father does, and he has to lie, or appear inadequate. Insecurity led him to stay away from the social life. then he found solace in this guy whose socks he noticed had patches and holes. He thought this guy is even poorer than me, and that is why he was able to be a friend with him. I felt bad, I sincerely hope this is not the true case, that no one fears talking to others because they feel being of a lower financial standard or social is something to be ashamed of. I would understand that they would feel more comfortable because they would have more in common, they have the same ideas, would like to do the same things for fun for example, but not for shame as portrayed in this novel.

And yet, I know it can be true, the society is a harsh and cruel critic and judge. And is so unfair sometimes. And it is so unfair, no one is better than anyone else, except through their deeds and heart. What anyone is given in life is just his luck, doesn't mean he diserves it. Wish people would take the time to talk to others, even the ones that they know are "not their type", just to remove this segreggation thing. And it would create love and harmony through society.

Big Boys Don't Cry

2005-07-28T11:26:00.000+03:00

Crying, everyone does it. What does it mean?

Just a secretion of our lachrymal glands?
How come it is such a relief to cry? Whenever emotions soar high, whether sad or happy or just touched, it is like a pressure valve that opens to let out the excess emotions that would probably just cause you to burst other wise? Like the slow cooker that lets off the steam (extra emotions here) when the pressure inside is too much.

Sometimes it is so relieving to cry. A good cry... I call it. Especially when it is not something sad, just stress or frustrations. If I get it out in tears I kind of feel much better.

Actually I feel like that right now. I feel a bit tired and need to unburden. Not upset about anything, just a bit over whelmed. But I think the level is not that high yet.

They say one of the signs of a merciful person is that his tears are near. A hard hearted person would not cry easily. I know men don't really like to cry. Especially in public. Having emotions is normal. I personally would prefer guys let off the steam in silent tears rather than in a temper. I say this and yet I would feel awkward to see a grown man cry so easily. Not because it is wrong, but because I feel he would feel uncomfortable, or because they would not want to feel that they can be emotionally overwhelmed.

It is true that when a man cries in the presence of a woman, he feels like he is totally exposed and vulnerable. this had happened before with me, seeing a man cry in front of me when I know he has been struggling to keep it in. when I tried to comfort him (I didn't feel judgmental, just wanted to comfort him) he was very surprised. He said that no one had ever done that with him before.

I couldn't believe it. How come? He told me that once, he had a girl friend that he loved and had dumped him. When he cried, she said that if she had any doubts before, now she is sure, how could she be with someone so weak!!!

Crying is normal. For everyone. It is relieving. Ok, our pressure valves are set to different levels, but that doesn’t make anyone weak, just emotional.

Girls are so lucky in this aspect; they cry on each other's shoulders all the time, and the more the tears, the more the support.

2005-07-25T19:20:00.000+03:00

Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say.

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart
and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Sincerity

2005-07-24T23:09:00.000+03:00

Sincerity is something of the heart. Only you and your heart would know. And sometimes, you wouldn't even know yourself.

this is especially important doing different deeds in relation to religion and God. Sincerity is of utmost importance. Our deeds should be purely aimed at the pleasing of God. When we pray, give charity, or do anything that God would want of us, if we do it for God, we can expect to be rewarded by Him. And very generously too. But if we are not sincere? If we do it for our own vanity, ego, people's perception of us etc. If it is not done for God, why would we be expecting to be rewarded?

doing a good deed for someone else's approval, or to be praised by people is very common. It is called riya2. Sorry that I don't know the English word for it. If anybody knows please tell me. It just erases our good deeds. As if they are not there. As if by an eraser, because they are not sincere. God demands our sincerity in our hearts. Even now, while I am writing this, I am afraid of riya2. It creeps up on you. It is said to be as subtle and unseen as a black ant on a rock in the black night. When you do something nice, and then people say you are so great, then you become so happy with yourself. Would it invite insincerity later? Doing things for people's praise?

I was once watching Amr Khaled on a show with Mahmoud Moussa, and he was talking about being so afraid. That he tells everyone to pray for him to be sincere in his deeds. He was so uncomfortable when M. moussa kept calling him a star.

the Prophet PBUH has taught us some words to battle this, and to keep us humble and sincere. I think staying humble is a key issue to stay sincere. Ego and vanity lead to arrogance and ultimately to a worse fate.

every day in the morning and evening:

"Allahumma inny a3oozo bik an oshreka bik ma a3lam wa astaghferak mimma la a3lam "
basically means "God I seek refuge from making someone your partner (in my aim of deed) that I know of, and I ask your forgiveness for what I do not know.

and when someone praises you alot you say:

Allahumma ij3alny a7san mimma yazonnoon, we eghferly ma la ya3lamoon, we la to2akhhezny bi ma yakoloon.

meaning basically "God make me better than they think, and forgive me for what they do not know, and don't hold me accountable of what they say.

this keeps you humble and knowing your place. When someone tells me some nice praise, I some times like it, I won't lie, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable, knowing myself more than them. And knowing that I might not be so good. I am not required nor should I bad mouth myself by talking ill of my deeds. On the contrary, I should not expose myself when God has graciously shielded me. But I should remember them myself.

separation anxiety

2005-07-23T23:07:00.000+03:00

Separation anxiety often refers to a psychological condition usually affecting young children. It is characterized by severe anxiety and disturbance at the prospect of separation from someone who cares and loves them, and whom they depend on greatly. This figure is usually the mother, more often than the father. It usually is manifested in the first days of school or day care. Kids usually cry and scream and throw on a tantrum. They are afraid that they would not be ok I guess without their mothers.

This still exists in us as adults as well. It is after all a human emotion that does not just expire. The child inside us does indeed exist, pardon the cliché, and he/she is apparent when you have your favorite ice cream, or when you blush when embarrassed, or when you are playing a game. The child is very subdued though. To different degrees in different people. The most pretentious have it really suppressed, while the easy going down to earth are the most to let it free.

Anyway, the child inside us is a whole other story. Maybe later. The separation anxiety in us, when do we feel it? When we depart from anything/one that has been around us for a long time. I personally get very emotionally attached to people and even things the longer they are around. I still have some of my school stuff till now, and I am currently doing my PhD!! But it is better. Much better. We don’t really cry or throw tantrums anymore do we?

It is most apparent when you are in love or have been in a long term relationship. Some women stay in terrible marriages, because they can’t bear the separation. They don’t know what will tomorrow be like. The familiar is good. We have an Egyptian saying “elly ne3rafo a7san men elly mane3rafoosh” means what we know is better than what we don’t.

I was in a position once where I was in a bad situation and I wasn’t able to get out of it, for the fear of this anxiety. But I was forced out of it actually. And now I thank God I was, I didn’t have the courage to do it myself. And guess what, I realized that life goes on. We don’t need and shouldn’t depend on someone or something else to make us ok. Someone I really loved once told me “separation is the constant of life. Everything in life, either one day you will leave it, or it will leave you. Death sees to that” and she was so right of course. (another example of what she said, she died recently. And so we are separated. And I miss her terribly, and love her, but have to find my strength elsewhere).

So, now I realize that I have to find my solace in my own self and heart, and with my relationship with God. God will never leave. Wherever we go, we can count on Him to be there. And listen.

And we do need people in our lives of course, but our life can’t depend on a one certain person. Only on God. And having faith in that, God will never let you be alone. My best best friend left for Canada a few months ago. And I got a bit worried about that. But I thought, God is here, he will compensate me. And He did. 2 of my best friends now had been estranged from me for years and they both just called out of the blue at about the time she left. And they have been close and supportive. Dalulla if you are reading this, you are one of them.

So, I guess no more separation anxiety I hope. I know life goes on, and if you need someone’s care and support, you know God will never leave you.

blogging

2005-07-21T18:24:00.000+03:00

A friend of mine talked me into this blogging business. At first, I thought it is a great way to "share some thoughts". In general, when something is bothering me, I usually right it down. It is easier to see, analyze and put my thoughts together. I have tons and tons of stuff that I had written. It was not the "I went shopping today" type of journal, rather the "why did this happen? Or why am I upset at this?" type.

The writing really helped me a lot. Especially when there are so many questions about a certain topic. I realized that when I sort them out on paper, they cease to come up again. And if they do, I don't spend hours getting to the logic that answers my questions (I had already done it before), and so I just read it. And things get calm.

thought this would be the same with blogging. I was mistaken. I have found it is quite difficult for me to write down my inner most feelings and ideas on the world wide web. Especially if they are related to me personally rather than general observations. I can give general questions about something relevant to me, but not my deepest most perplexing questions. My journal is still needed with the good old paper and pen. When something is really weighing on me,I usually turn to God for guidance and relief. He is always there to listen. He understands what is inside me more than myself. He is the Merciful. And He is the only one to really help. And yes He has,so many times. Funny, I wasn't intending when I started writing this post to make it about God, but I guess, ultimately, everything is. Even when I am upset or confused about something, I ask God to help me feel better about something, or show me the right way when I am confused.

but hey, I found blogging to have a very different but also very rewarding purpose. I can share with people, period. Doesn't have to be my own trouble or worries or even normal stuff. I have an outlet for that el hamdo li Allah. But u can share other things. And nothing makes me happier than maybe reaching someone else. That is probably why I sometimes enjoy writing in other blogs more than mine.

p.s. also, I kind of had this dream when I was younger to be a writer, so it does give me a chance at that. I don't know if I suck or not. But I like doing it.

Innocent love

2005-07-17T18:58:00.000+03:00

today I visited my best friend's kids. she has been in canada for a few months now and i pass by her kids at her mom's from time to time. i was quite regular at first then i kind of laid back. of course she keeps telling me to go see them. that they ask about me and would love to see me. her little girls are 2 and 4 yrs old .

well today i finally went over to see them after work. didn't know that i had missed them so much till i saw them. i used to go to my friend's place like 3 times a week, and i was like an aunt or mother figure to them. when i knocked the door and i heard them running to the door to open for me i felt bad for staying away so long. as soon as they opened the door they just kept on hugging me and talking and talking about me and their mother. i guess i was a strong reminder of their mother's presence. and seeing their smiles and laughs and hapiness at seeing me were very refreshing. they just jumped on my lap and followed me everywhere i went and were very excited. my nephews are like that but i thought it was because i am their aunt and i kind of spoil them rotten. they probably miss their mom, and their grandmother is a bit too old to play with them much. my maternal instincts really shot to the sky today, even though they are never really that sumberged. i think being a mother is the most natural thing in the world. it can be in its own very fulfilling.

what is more wonderful than a child's love? it is so pure and innocent and sincere. it has no hidden motives or pretences in it. if a child loves you, you can know that you truly are loved. and of course if they hate you, they don't hide it. and when you love a child, you don't want anything out of it either except make them happy. a mother's love is one of the most selfless types of love there is. thank God for it.

The children

2005-07-14T13:15:00.000+03:00

Why the children? The children in iraq who were killed, why?
It makes me so angry. And very very sad. What have these children ever done to you or anyone? What have they done period?

How can someone harm a child, a child who does nothing, knows nothing and is innocent and vulnerable! How could these people live with themselves, I don’t know. All bloodshed is a very big thing, but children is by far the worst. My heart is hurting for these kids, and their families. And for humanity in general. What is this world coming to?

I sometimes see children playing and feel for them. They have no idea what kind of world they are living in and I am wary of the day they find out. And moreover, the world now is turmoil, on the brink of something, I have this feeling of foreboding. What will the world be like when these children grow up? Is it gonna be much worse? I hope not, i am trying to stay optimistic, but it is getting harder. I am not a mother, but yet I worry about my unborn children. I ask God to protect and watch over them. I don’t want these children to grow up and suffer what we have done. Reap the fruits of today. What will they think of us? Will they hate us for making this world what it is today?

Was the world always like this? Was there always so much evil and ugliness in the world?

Evil is ancient I know. And so is murder. Starting with Kane and Abel. But I think the ratio of good to evil is really changing. Murder has become so common and normal, but is is not a normal thing! It is a grave grave crime. Human life is precious and valuable, and not to be shed in vain. I really support capital punishment. What you do, shall be done to you…. I think that is the only thing that can sometimes stop someone from killing. (if their conscience and empathy are totally dead).

Please God save us

Forgive and Forget

2005-07-12T16:23:00.000+03:00

i always hear the phrase forgive and forget. forgiving is good, sometimes more for the forgiver than the forgiven. and that is why a lot of people try to do it. also we want God to forgive us, so we should forgive if we can.

but the forget part, not that easy.

i can usually forgive things, even big ones, but of course, I am human, somethings i can not. but the problem is I don't forget. I mean with big things of course.

especially if it is someone close, I forgive sometimes because I feel the relationship is more precious than to jeopardize over every little thing. even the big ones,I usually cherish my relationships more than anything and could go through heck of a lot before I give up on someone. But it is like it is on a stand-by button. asleep. not forgotten. Even though I can deal with them normally after forgiving them, and feel even normal towards them, it is not forgotten.

I know that because when something else comes up, another mistake, I remember the old ones that I have already forgiven. it is as if they accumulate all of a sudden. and then I realize I hadn't actually forgiven them from my heart, I just let it pass and ignored it so that life can go on (el markem temshy as they say)

so I see, to forgive someone, you have to feel that this person actually is sorry. find excuses for it. and find closure for every situation before you move on.

I don't know if this means I have a hard heart. I hope not. I don't like holding grudges. but if someone hurts me and does nothing to amend, or is not sorry lets say, it is difficult to actually throw these things away. and usually the second time around has a much more severe reaction. like allergies, you know, you are sensitized the first time with no great damage, but the second time : anaphylactic shock.

next time someone I care for bothers me, I will try to resolve it first before jumping to forgive so readily. maybe they will think again before they do it again. if I forgive, it has to be the forgive and forget type. no use in just putting up on the shelf.

sorry for tha nakad. not feeling my best today

ignorance is a bliss?

2005-07-04T21:19:00.000+03:00

do we really want to know everything? knowledge is power? are there things that are better left alone or unknown?

i don't know.

there is a situation where an ex-friend whom i thought the world of, was suddenly very exposed to me as a manipulative person who was abusive and inconsiderate of me. i might not have known this except for a friend who told me a lot of things that i did not know.

ofcourse that hurt. and made me angry. sometimes i think, i wish i didn't know so as not to feel this way. and other times when i feel i would rather know the truth. if this person is not really honest and good to me i guess then my good feelings or view of this person are a waste.

so i am in a dillemma. i feel if i wouldn't have known, i wouldn't be so angry and hurt, but i would be a fool cherishing someone who doesn't diserve it.
if i do know, which is the current fact, i would be hurt and angry but at least see things for what they are.

well i take solace in the fact that the truth came out at a time and from a person who are very unlikely. so i feel this is from God. showing me. i had known this person for 10 years, and never had i seen this abusive part clearly, although looking back, i should have seen it for myself. but somethings you only see when someone points out to you. it was as if there was a curtain in front of my eyes/brain. i call it satr (shielding) from God. God always protects the secrecy of a wrong doer in the beginning, maybe he would repent, and if someone is exposed, it usually means they have done it repeatedly before. at a certain time things just came out. they must have come out for a good reason.

i know in the long run, i will feel good that i found out,when i stop being angry and hurt. i had no hand or desire to see things this way, it was just laid out infront of me by coincidence!! so i feel God's will in it and Allaho A3lam of course. whatever is from God has to be good. al hamdo li Allah for everything.

old friends

2005-07-03T00:25:00.000+03:00

I just came back from an evening out with my sister, an old friend and her 4 year old. We originally were going to “walk” a few kilos. We were wearing our sweat suits and sneakers and everything. We really intended to walk but this is scenario clakette millionth time. We ended up eating at la poire and chatting till 11 pm!!

It was fun, because we kept remembering things we used to do back when we were younger, age 15-17 mostly. We were laughing and telling stories and my sister was laughing and amazed. Her generation is different I think. They didn’t have as much fun as we did. My friend has been around since, 1990 in our GCE year. A long time. Ma shaa Allah.

I noticed when we were talking today that we really had a lot of fun and great times in our teen years. We were really care free and just a bit , I don’t know what to call it, meharteleen maybe. We had nothing serious on our mind except going to the club on Thursday and who are we gonna see there etc etc. this I think only people of my exact age would understand. The ones a bit younger (like my sister) were different and so were the bit older (like my brother). Both generations seemed more serious somehow.

It made us comfortable that we had all the wildness out of our system and had some fun years, and now it feels normal to want to calm down and pursue the more important things in life.

But the main thing I did notice is that these friends that I made years and years ago are my main friends now. I kind of never made such serious friendships again. I wonder why. All of my close friends I have known for 10-15 years. Most of them the 15 year thing. In those years. I am not saying that I have no new friends (and by new I mean 3-4 years) but in comparison I feel like they are just acquaintances even though I love them a lot and would be there for support anytime. If you ask me who my close friends are, the old ones would ALL have to come first before any of the new ones.

It is just different when you have known someone for such a long time, it is more I think that they know you inside out, know how you were so know where you come from now. My new friends just see how I am now, they only know part of me.

I don’t know, is it more difficult to open up emotionally to new friends as you grow older? Or is it that we are emotionally fulfilled in that area, “fully booked”?

Whatever it is, old friends are great. The older the better.