So tired...

yeah i am... so tired.

i need to unwind somehow. used to e able to do that easily.... could be as simple as a good book, a walk, talking to someone close, or even having some cake....

but, now i just feel really tired.... the stress is really getting to me. it is not one big major thing.... it is just alot of little things.... and i had not had the chance to unwind after my thesis maybe?
even going out has become stressful because of the traffic. traffic in cairo has become a major problem. it took me close to 2 hours coming home yesterday! it gets on one's nerves. makes the choice of staying home and watching tv more and more appealing that going out, driving there, and looking for a parking place. i wish i can live somewhere (just for a little while) that i can ride a bike everywhere i go. where i work (yes i would like to be working in my fantasy land i seem to be daydreaming about here, i do love my work) within a walking distance from my house..

in this fantasy land.... people would smile when they greet each other, and try to make each other laugh. it is no small thing, being able to make people laugh. unfortunately, not many people i know have that ability... Jon stewart does, and i do love to watch him, but he is not my friend... just a guy on tv (but very funny... seriously)

but i understand why not alot of people are like that ... I do. The world has become very difficult. with insinuatins that things will become more difficult every time the news is on. But of course Alhamdulillah foreverything.... i know that i am B*****ing righ now because i am tired right now... but i know that ihave tons and tons of blessing... i do nt want to be ungrateful. i know that alof of people in the world would die for one day of my life... where i have family, alhamdulilah, health, and alot more alhamdulillah. i am sitting here typing on my laptop in my bedroom with the AC on, and i know it is really hot outside. i hate it when i am in this mood, because i know that i have so many gifts from God, and i still complain and moan... and i realize that this is not a positive attitude. nor is it right.

i do not know what it is honestly that is putting me in this stressed out mood. maybe it is the traffic... and alot of stuff that i need to do..... just stress... right??

When i think what i can need to relieve me right now.... one word comes to mind: massage!!!

I hate it that i am writing this down right now... i hate being the complainer.... and here it is.... i am even complaing about complaining.... what is wrong with me!?

I really really need my positive mood back. it has been exam week at college today... and talk about stress! yes i am not the one taking the tests.... but it is just in the air.... i can almost physically reach out and touch it... the chrge in the air. seeing some of the students crying because they have not done well.... or are worried.... or are being treated unfairly.... i guess it gets to you.


where can i go where everyone is happy. or at least cheerful? mmmm maybe heaven!

btw, the B on my keyboard seems to be stuck. have to fix it.

ok this is why i began blogging,, now i remember... to empty my thoughts at times like this... after a while, it did not seem that way, because i started having friends on the blogosphere, so i know someone is gonna read it... so i don't just ramble on like i am doing today. but i haven't been blogging for a while, and so , alot of poeple who used to come by don't anymore. and i think that is why i am able to just let it out, and not worry about bringing someone down with my mood., or even boring them. just typing away. and it feels good. sigh

resuming blogging?

it has been a long time since i have blogged anything... i really miss it though. alot of times i have these thoughts in my head that i just want to put down. typing right now is actually very relaxing. I have been really preoccupied these last few months, trying to finish my phD thesis, worrying about my defense, doing my presentation etc etc.... so i really had no mental space to actually sit in a relaxed manner and discuss other things, or write about them, and what i miss alot, is checking out my favorite blogs.... wonder who gave up blogging and who is still hanging in there. will check it out ISA after i finsih posting this.

So... I did finish my PhD..! THANK GOD!!! a 6 year projct finally finished (though i am still stuck with alot of paper work. but it does feel good... feels free more than anything.

Trying to start being serious about my clinic. Because my practice is new, i do not have many patients yet, and thus I am always reluctant to go sit there just in case a patient passes by :(
it takes alot of discipline to show up to work, when you are your own boss, and know that you can easily skip the day (which i do often). my friend and partner in the clinic is having major problems commitiing to the hours of the clinic as well. so we went out bought a computer, internet access, a brand new TV, cable, everything that would make our long hours in the clinic more tolerable i guess. I am thinking that if the pace picks up and we start making money, that would encourage us.... ok i am rambling and sounding very whiny about something that is very good and alot of people woul want to have.... so enough of that..

And I discovered Grey''s anatomy!!! I had always heard about the show but written it off as just another medical drama..... probably not worth watching.... but i got hooked....BIG TIME. i bought the first season DVD, watched it in maybe one or two days... and voila i am an addict.

i went and bought the rest of the seasons, and i watched about 3 episodes every night till they were done. and now I am trying to be patient waiting for the next episodes. next one will be on the 24th this month i think.... but that is in the states!!! I would not get it till the first of July :(
but i guess you tube can help abit.

ok this has been my first post in while... and i just typed it really quickly, and did not care for the punctuation or spelling much. and i do not know if i had really said anything that i usually like to blog about, but i am glad i did it anyway.

will go have some coffee now. :)

stay in touch...

We all tend to get carried away in our own lives, tend to get lazy, do only what we want/have to do. things that we need, or things that make us happy. So often do we forget the importance of making the extra effort to stay in touch with friends. Just the ones we talk to very often anyway. Easier to share, when you know they know what happened yesterday or the day before. Iremember years ago I used to call my friends very frequently. I used to find it wierd that friends 'just drift apart'. When they are both friends but niether does enough effort to call, it is always; tomorrow, or ok I will email her or something. I knew I was slipping into that routine. yet, I was postponing as usual doing anything about it.

I have this friend, who had been my friend since, lets say 1992? yeah that would be about right. 15 years. We were together in college, we were best friends. We would study together, spend the night sometimes together, travel together, for short, we were very close.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, a few years ago she got married and a year later travelled with her hubby somewhere for work. so ofcourse contact considerably diminished a bit. but come on... there were always emails, the phone and when she came over.

but of course, emails quickly came down to forwards of jokes and stuff that come my way, with out any personal message.

Till today that is. I just felt like Imissed her all of a sudden, and sent her an email. by chance, just when I was doing that she got on line so I thought a good chance to chat.

Talking to her a little bit, I discovered by the way that she has been having serious trouble in her life for the last 18 months. 18MONTHS and I had not known. When I told her I am so sorry I did not know, she said because you never ask about me anymore.

though Iknow she was half joking, not really scolding me, I realized that Oh my, I haven't really talked to her since maybe 2 years ago when she called me on my birthday. that is too long to just let time slip by without a word. I felt bad, because she told me today to please stay in touch, that she was lonely and missed having her friends.

We are not supposed to wait for a disaster to happen so we can reach out to our friends, especially such old ones. because when/if God forbid something bad does happen, the friendship would have been lost to nothing more that laziness, and we would have lost a very precious thing.

From the movie :music and lyrics, this song is either really beautiful, or I am just in a very romantic mood;

Way back into love:

I've been living with a shadow over ahead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
trapped in the past I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
to clear a little space in the corners of my mind

chorus:
"All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

i've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
i've been searching but I just don't see the signs
i know that it's out there
there's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

i've been looking for someone to shed some light
not somebody just to get me through the night
i could use some direction
and i'm open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

but if i open my heart again
i guess i'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

there are moments when i don't know if it's real
or if anybody feels the way i feel
i need inspiration
not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

but if i open my heart to you
i'm hoping you'll show me what to do
and if you help me decide again
you know that i'll be there for you in the end

Cutting ties

Sometimes you want to break free from something that you feel is tying you down. but, easier said than done. of course you can cut any physical ties more easily than your emotional ones, but even those can be trying. because more often than not, they are intermingled, a physical tie, that can have an emotional weight.

just today, i finally got to throw away som old photos i had. don't know why it had been so hard. it felt wierd to do it. it is not like i had them on display or even thought about them, they were tucked away in a box in my closet, i just thought that maybe if i get rid of any physical thing that links me to the past... I would actually be able to put it behind me totally. do not know if it would do that for me, but i am glad i was able to throw the pictures away. a year ago i would have hesitated and hesitated. the thing is, this past, for its bad or good, is still part of me. can't just pick a big chunk of your life and throw it away as if it never was. i can not pretent it did not exist, all i can do is deal with it, try to accept it, and know that closure will come when it comes ISA.
I kind of feel like I did most of what I can do by myself, My hope is in Allah to heal this thing for good, becuase the best I can do, is just cover it up. tonight is the eve of mid shaaban, i would like to pray a bit today... I hope that God would forgive me and have mercy on me... and forgive any ill feelings that I might have in my heart. I would love to be as pure as I once was... want to be free again. I do not regret all, for my experiences have taught me some beautiful things in my relationship with Allah, and those I cherish always. alhamdulillah rabb al3alameen.

zeina update...

I found her! she was somewhere I never thought she would be! Alhamdulillah

Zeina

My dear zeina,

I have no idea where you are now, or whether you are dead or alive. After a day of you going missing, and me looking for you all over the house, I might have to face the strong possibility that a bird has indeed caught you. Alhamdulillah for everything at all times. You were a good pet turtle. I did not think that I would be this sad that you are gone. I never got to say good bye or anything. I know it seems corny about a turtle, but it is true. If I feel this way for a turtle, I can not begin to imagine how a mother would feel if her child God forbid would just go missing, yet it happens. . I do not know how these women cope, except that Allah is with them.

Zeina, I have had you for 5 years, and have fed you almost everyday. I hope I had cared for you well when you were in my care. I hope you did not suffer. I hope you will turn out to be okay in the end, but if not.. I am so sad to lose you, I loved you (though I never really knew it till today, surprised at the tears that flow for you). I can not bear to see bondok alone, so forgive me, I plan to get him another turtle friend soon. You were only a child as turtles go. I think I will remember you always. For now, goodbye.
Doshar