If I feel helpless, then how do they feel?

All I can say is :Offawed amry ila Allah, and may God forgive us for our weaknesses, and show us the path, give us the guidance and strength to do what is right.

I am talking about Gaza.... and as I feel for them,.... I have to be totally honest, that a part of my anguish now, is the fear for us and Egypt. The fear that we have let our brothers down, and hence ourselves. that we have sold our souls, and for what? money... Allah el G
for fear of who? Israel and US? what happened to doing what is right and counting on Allah for deliverance. Why this wall? that is causing anguish to Gazans? a foul traitorous reputation for Egypt among all Arabs? that is causing shame among Egyptians?
if the point of the wall is to pressure hamas to reconcile with fatah... that would not be wise..... forcing people to reconcile under the pressure of humiliation and hunger is immoral... not to mention unproductive!

If you so insist on having this wall... although if the decision is open to the egyptians, i am sure we would find another answer.... so i guess that they won't be asked..... then at least open the border! if the borders were open and controlled, we would not have this dilemma in the first place.

I know a lot of Egyptians feel this way.... but inside me... I know that just feeling this way... and wishing things were different... is not enough. I feel there is something else we can do... so at least we can go to sleep with a clear conscience... that we have done everything we could.

I feel like there is this blind spot in front of my eyes... like the answer is right there and I can not see it. I do not know why I can't see it... something tells me my sub conscience is blinding me.. for fear of loss of some comfort... or weakness or plain old cowardice that might be lurking somewhere inside each one of us. I Pray Allah would forgive us, help us... guide us.... make us rise and shake off the decades' worth of apathy and timidity... give us strength and purpose to do what is right. and may Allah make our efforts successful . And may Allah help our fellow Palestenians, and all Muslims, Egyptians and Arabs. Amen

Obamania

Congratulations to the American People on their election of Barack Obama. You should be proud. Obamania or just overwhelming support and rooting for obama indeed is a global phenomenon. surprisingly, more globally than in the US itself. Myself and family included. Maybe because people who are not actually going to vote, have more freedom to follow that "gut feeling". Americans obviously have to sometimes intentionally put their gut feelings aside, and sit and calculate their taxes and decide if it would serve them best to elect this person.

My gut feeling, was that I really like this person. I fist watched him by complete coincidence, while just flipping the channel to CNN, and saw this guy get up in a cold Chicago day and announce that he was running for president, about 21 months ago. Now I had no idea yet who he was, and what his ideas and standings were, but he instantly clicked somewhere inside me. Something inside me just absolutely accepted him. I had followed and cheered his campaign ever since. During the primaries, and in the general election. I am glad that what I saw from him after that day only validated my initial impression. I was absolutely surprised at myself for being so caught up in this, when he is not even running in my country. But seeing other people all over the world do it too, kind of dampened my doubts about my own sanity. :)

I guess, when you see someone who appears to follow and aspire to alot of the values that you do too, you can not help but cheer for them, wether it directly invloves you or not. I hope that he continues to validate our faith in him as a basically good person over the next few years.


But putting Barack Obama himself aside for just a moment, I really believe the American people are the real winners today. Because they followed hope rather than fear, embraced change, and in doing so, silently revolting against all that the Bush administration did to mar their ideals these past few years. in doing so, they have risen above, and again rekindled their American dream. It is still alive.

I miss you guys.... so much

God I miss them... never thought I would miss them so much. Actually, come to think of it, I probably never thought of it, I always took it for granted that they would be around.... stupid stupid me. So I never really got around to wonder how much I would miss them when they are not around for God knows how long


All I can feel is that I miss them. So much. I just keep saying it. that i miss them, because bottling it up does not feel good. I even miss the things that used to bother me so much. I miss Hana waking me up at 6 am when i had just gone to sleep, so that I can get her the disney channel. I miss Ibrahim's kicking me in bed when he has a bad dream. (I used to sometimes carry him after he falls asleep and put him on the couch... why would I do that)? I miss them calling me all times of the day, whether i am at work or not, asking for attention and just talking. lately, right before they left, I had gotten busy, so I almost never went over as often as before. And God bless them , they always used to ask to come and spend the night with me.

I miss making them french toast in the morning. and solving the I spy riddle book with Ibrahim before he went to bed. and playing Age of Empires with him. All the saved games are called : Ibrahim and Doody. :( I love you little partner Buddy

I miss wathcing according to Jim with hana, and trying to gloss over the adult talk they say, when she asks me what they mean. I miss fighting with her to brush her hair. I miss hugging Ibrahim. I really miss his hugs. that little boy has such a tender loving hug.

It is not normal to be this attached to your niece and nephew right? it is just that.... I don't know.... they spent so much time with me... and Ibrahim has slept in my bed so many times, and Hana was born on my birthday.... and we share that. we always do something, me and her on our birthday. we sometimes go out... me and her... the birtday girls. and i always get to have cake on my birthday, as there is always cake for her,..... now who am i gonna share my birthday with? will it only be my birthday now... like other people? like it was before she was born. I know is sounds childish... but i do not wanna go back. I liked sharing my birthday with me niece. we would call each other and telll each othr happy birthday. this year she will be six on her/my/our Birthday. Oh, God now I am crying. I just miss them. It is not like writing about it will make them come home will it?

So I miss them. And I hope and pray that I can see them soon. the other day... I was telling Ibrahim that i missed him... and he gave me a simple: you can come. and you can sleep in my bed. and my uncle can find you a job here in the states. and maybe you can get a house here too.

I told him that I have a lot of commitments here... I can't live there,,, so he suggests that i rent a house instead of buying one. That boy is... smart? they say absence makes the heart grow fonder right? well, if it gets any fonder than this.... It just might explode. And now all they speak is English. I try to talk to them in arabic on the phone... but they just respond in english. I guess part of them wants to adapt to society, where everyone speaks English. But, it just makes them so different. not the Ibrahim and Hana that i know. they use new phrases now. new expressions. they haven't been there for 4 months even. But in the life of a small child that is a lot of change. I feel like i am missing out on that.

Guys I miss you. I know you do not read my blog.... but I had to say it somewhere, and if i keep saying it to you.... you might feel suffocated. kids don't like overwhelming drama. so i spare you. and play it cool when i talk to you, and just ask how school was and such. But guys.... I really really love you..... and I really really miss you.

....mmm... so have you gained weight?

yeah... a question that people do not think about twice... they see someone they know who looks like they have put on a few kilos... and they seem to think that they need to ... i don't know, remind them? make sure? check the facts?

why do people ask that. really. don't you think that someone who has gained weight has noticed? they don't need everyone they meet to point it out to them.. or at least point out that they have noticed.


it is frustrating really, and definitely suffocating. khalas, you gained weight, you know it, and you probably want to lose it. how and when you do it. As long as it is moderate and not health threatening, why the hell does anyone care? what do they expect the answer to be ...:


Q: hey, have you gained weight?
A: yes, i have actually, thanks for noticing

or

A: no not really, these pants just make me look fat

or

A: (in shame) yeah, "I tried to hide it.... but the problem has become obvious, the cat is out of the bag.... I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT!


Imean. what do people hope to accomplish by telling someone that has gained some weight that , yes indeed they did indeed gain weight, and eveyone noticed

If someone has a bad hair day, do you go around telling thm: hey your hair does not look so great. or hey; you have a zit on your face.... etc etc of the obviously impolite things to say to someone to bring them down and like... i don't know destroy their ego a bit.

Yeah so what brought about this angry ramble of mine... well you guessed it.... I gained some weight... maybe 5 kilos or something, nothing drastic, just a bit noticable. and yes , I like it when I am thinner, and yes, Ido want to lose those 5 kilos. guess what... it is not as easy as it sounds, because, basically , I hate diets, I do not think I have ever seriously gone on one. I would go to a level of "taking care" as in getting one scoop of icecream instead of 2, or getting a diet soda instead of a regular one, but basically that is it. I am not big on diets. and I get cranky when I am hungry or sugar deprived.

But thankyou to all who are concerned so much, but stop telling me. ok I know. I know. repetition of something does not make the fact any different. we were having this gathering a while back, and about 3 different people pointed out to me: you gained a bit of weight by the way. well duh, I know.


ok this ramble is coming in a very irritable mood right now, but really, I am really curious, when someone asks that famous question: "so... have you gained weight?"

What is their point, really?

So tired...

yeah i am... so tired.

i need to unwind somehow. used to e able to do that easily.... could be as simple as a good book, a walk, talking to someone close, or even having some cake....

but, now i just feel really tired.... the stress is really getting to me. it is not one big major thing.... it is just alot of little things.... and i had not had the chance to unwind after my thesis maybe?
even going out has become stressful because of the traffic. traffic in cairo has become a major problem. it took me close to 2 hours coming home yesterday! it gets on one's nerves. makes the choice of staying home and watching tv more and more appealing that going out, driving there, and looking for a parking place. i wish i can live somewhere (just for a little while) that i can ride a bike everywhere i go. where i work (yes i would like to be working in my fantasy land i seem to be daydreaming about here, i do love my work) within a walking distance from my house..

in this fantasy land.... people would smile when they greet each other, and try to make each other laugh. it is no small thing, being able to make people laugh. unfortunately, not many people i know have that ability... Jon stewart does, and i do love to watch him, but he is not my friend... just a guy on tv (but very funny... seriously)

but i understand why not alot of people are like that ... I do. The world has become very difficult. with insinuatins that things will become more difficult every time the news is on. But of course Alhamdulillah foreverything.... i know that i am B*****ing righ now because i am tired right now... but i know that ihave tons and tons of blessing... i do nt want to be ungrateful. i know that alof of people in the world would die for one day of my life... where i have family, alhamdulilah, health, and alot more alhamdulillah. i am sitting here typing on my laptop in my bedroom with the AC on, and i know it is really hot outside. i hate it when i am in this mood, because i know that i have so many gifts from God, and i still complain and moan... and i realize that this is not a positive attitude. nor is it right.

i do not know what it is honestly that is putting me in this stressed out mood. maybe it is the traffic... and alot of stuff that i need to do..... just stress... right??

When i think what i can need to relieve me right now.... one word comes to mind: massage!!!

I hate it that i am writing this down right now... i hate being the complainer.... and here it is.... i am even complaing about complaining.... what is wrong with me!?

I really really need my positive mood back. it has been exam week at college today... and talk about stress! yes i am not the one taking the tests.... but it is just in the air.... i can almost physically reach out and touch it... the chrge in the air. seeing some of the students crying because they have not done well.... or are worried.... or are being treated unfairly.... i guess it gets to you.


where can i go where everyone is happy. or at least cheerful? mmmm maybe heaven!

btw, the B on my keyboard seems to be stuck. have to fix it.

ok this is why i began blogging,, now i remember... to empty my thoughts at times like this... after a while, it did not seem that way, because i started having friends on the blogosphere, so i know someone is gonna read it... so i don't just ramble on like i am doing today. but i haven't been blogging for a while, and so , alot of poeple who used to come by don't anymore. and i think that is why i am able to just let it out, and not worry about bringing someone down with my mood., or even boring them. just typing away. and it feels good. sigh

resuming blogging?

it has been a long time since i have blogged anything... i really miss it though. alot of times i have these thoughts in my head that i just want to put down. typing right now is actually very relaxing. I have been really preoccupied these last few months, trying to finish my phD thesis, worrying about my defense, doing my presentation etc etc.... so i really had no mental space to actually sit in a relaxed manner and discuss other things, or write about them, and what i miss alot, is checking out my favorite blogs.... wonder who gave up blogging and who is still hanging in there. will check it out ISA after i finsih posting this.

So... I did finish my PhD..! THANK GOD!!! a 6 year projct finally finished (though i am still stuck with alot of paper work. but it does feel good... feels free more than anything.

Trying to start being serious about my clinic. Because my practice is new, i do not have many patients yet, and thus I am always reluctant to go sit there just in case a patient passes by :(
it takes alot of discipline to show up to work, when you are your own boss, and know that you can easily skip the day (which i do often). my friend and partner in the clinic is having major problems commitiing to the hours of the clinic as well. so we went out bought a computer, internet access, a brand new TV, cable, everything that would make our long hours in the clinic more tolerable i guess. I am thinking that if the pace picks up and we start making money, that would encourage us.... ok i am rambling and sounding very whiny about something that is very good and alot of people woul want to have.... so enough of that..

And I discovered Grey''s anatomy!!! I had always heard about the show but written it off as just another medical drama..... probably not worth watching.... but i got hooked....BIG TIME. i bought the first season DVD, watched it in maybe one or two days... and voila i am an addict.

i went and bought the rest of the seasons, and i watched about 3 episodes every night till they were done. and now I am trying to be patient waiting for the next episodes. next one will be on the 24th this month i think.... but that is in the states!!! I would not get it till the first of July :(
but i guess you tube can help abit.

ok this has been my first post in while... and i just typed it really quickly, and did not care for the punctuation or spelling much. and i do not know if i had really said anything that i usually like to blog about, but i am glad i did it anyway.

will go have some coffee now. :)

stay in touch...

We all tend to get carried away in our own lives, tend to get lazy, do only what we want/have to do. things that we need, or things that make us happy. So often do we forget the importance of making the extra effort to stay in touch with friends. Just the ones we talk to very often anyway. Easier to share, when you know they know what happened yesterday or the day before. Iremember years ago I used to call my friends very frequently. I used to find it wierd that friends 'just drift apart'. When they are both friends but niether does enough effort to call, it is always; tomorrow, or ok I will email her or something. I knew I was slipping into that routine. yet, I was postponing as usual doing anything about it.

I have this friend, who had been my friend since, lets say 1992? yeah that would be about right. 15 years. We were together in college, we were best friends. We would study together, spend the night sometimes together, travel together, for short, we were very close.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, a few years ago she got married and a year later travelled with her hubby somewhere for work. so ofcourse contact considerably diminished a bit. but come on... there were always emails, the phone and when she came over.

but of course, emails quickly came down to forwards of jokes and stuff that come my way, with out any personal message.

Till today that is. I just felt like Imissed her all of a sudden, and sent her an email. by chance, just when I was doing that she got on line so I thought a good chance to chat.

Talking to her a little bit, I discovered by the way that she has been having serious trouble in her life for the last 18 months. 18MONTHS and I had not known. When I told her I am so sorry I did not know, she said because you never ask about me anymore.

though Iknow she was half joking, not really scolding me, I realized that Oh my, I haven't really talked to her since maybe 2 years ago when she called me on my birthday. that is too long to just let time slip by without a word. I felt bad, because she told me today to please stay in touch, that she was lonely and missed having her friends.

We are not supposed to wait for a disaster to happen so we can reach out to our friends, especially such old ones. because when/if God forbid something bad does happen, the friendship would have been lost to nothing more that laziness, and we would have lost a very precious thing.