share some thoughts

Friday, January 12, 2007

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids
each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and
pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each
week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist
appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a
holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also
make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and
all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid
song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on
cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply
to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a
tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish
shoes, keep his nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to
get through each day wi! thout snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe
abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings
but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to
explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the
purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least
once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

Each will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night
without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their
teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00 . They must leave the home
with no food on their face or clothes.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend
the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand
and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age approrriate reply to, "You're not the boss
of me".

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will
be required to know all of the following information: each child's
birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of
labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack,
favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they
want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if . . . he still has enough energy to be
intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be
called Mother!

9 Comments:

  • At 1/17/2007 9:45 AM, Blogger Alina said…

    This is a great piece, Doshar. I could not stop laughing! However, it is so true. Mothers are often disregarded, no one acknowledges what they actually get to do every day.

     
  • At 1/17/2007 9:45 AM, Blogger Alina said…

    Btw, would you mind cross posting a fragment of this, with a link to your original post on the Girl's Club? Thanks so much.

     
  • At 1/19/2007 12:53 PM, Blogger doshar said…

    sure Alina... I just did!

     
  • At 1/21/2007 6:45 PM, Blogger Naomi said…

    I love this!!

     
  • At 2/05/2007 10:39 AM, Blogger SaRaH said…

    purely funny.. I missed reading your posts.. i am glad i am back

     
  • At 2/06/2007 3:42 PM, Blogger Cristina Banu said…

    Wow very funny post!!!

     
  • At 2/14/2007 1:38 AM, Blogger Paul said…

    But will women really find us more attractive if we shave our legs?

    I feel that you have downplayed the really important part of your post.

     
  • At 3/27/2007 1:42 PM, Blogger iamnasra said…

    www.livinginpoetry.blogspot.com has a tribute for Paul of spiritualdiablog and now in his new website www.originalfaith.com. Hope u can join us in this tribute and if you can helps us spread the word among his blog friends
    Thanks, see u there

     
  • At 11/25/2007 4:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Like it....but how 'bout this -
    Six married women will be dropped on an island with
    one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

    Each kid will play two sports and either take music or
    dance classes.

    There is no fast food.

    Each woman will have to explain the birds and the bees
    to each child and put the fear of God into them if
    they come home with a grand child before their 25th
    birthday.

    Each woman will have to change their own light bulbs,
    fix the stopped up sink, maintain their own computers,
    change their own oil, fix their own broken doors,
    drawers, and light switches.

    Each woman will have to wake up at 5:30 every morning
    and drive 1 hour in parking lot traffic to sit in a
    cubicle for 8 hours, with a 30 minute lunch, and not
    take any naps, gab on the phone, or do anything other
    than what the boss says. Then, when they’re done with
    that, they need to drive home for 90 minutes in rush
    hour traffic. They must then listen to a detailed
    description of their spouse’s day from the time they
    woke up to the time they got home just now, then throw
    in 30 minutes of complaining about how rough the kids
    were. This is all happens during your soap operas of
    course right at the moment when we find out who the
    father of Brianna’a baby really is.

    After that, each woman must hand over all the money
    they made for that day so their spouse can pay bills,
    or buy new shoes, or face wash, or whatever happens to
    be closest at that point.

    Each woman will have to kill all of their own bugs.
    They must also teach their sons how to throw a
    baseball, football, and shoot a basket. They must
    also explain to each child how to handle the bully at
    school in a way that will not get their butt kicked
    harder the next day.

    Each woman must carry their own TV, bed and sofa up
    the stair to the master bedroom. They can enlist the
    other women to help.

    Each woman must make all their own phone calls, even
    if it’s to their mother-in-law, or the phone company
    to find out what a 6 dollar line charge is.

    Each woman must patch at least one head-sized hole per
    child in the drywall and repair the VCR after removing
    the peanut butter sandwich.

    While each woman is doing this, they are not allowed
    to complain about anything their spouse does, lest
    they be treated to a 3 hour argument which they cannot
    possibly win. After such argument, the woman must
    sleep on the couch.

    Any time you go out in public, Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson,
    Matt Damon, and Drew Carey will work at any place you
    stop at. You will only be allowed to look at or talk
    to Drew Carey. See the couch rule above.

    Each woman must take their kids to a baseball game and
    then be simultaneously tackled by 16 other woman all
    attempting to catch a foul ball – from the other team.
    Then they must nonchalantly hand the ball over to
    their oldest child who will forget it in the car after
    the game.

    During the six weeks, at least three business meetings
    will be delayed/interrupted by a phone call explaining
    one child’s bowels movements (frequency, size, and
    color), random complaint about what “Your son” just
    did, and getting called into a meeting at school. You
    will not participate in this meeting because you will
    be preoccupied about the ass-chewing you just got from
    your boss about interrupting meetings at work.

    After getting home from work, you will then be
    required to make all major decisions regarding the
    agenda over the next 6 weeks. All of your decisions
    will be wrong, or blatantly ignored, yet you will be
    pestered for them all the same.

    Once, you will have to pick up your in-laws at the
    airport, load all of their luggage into the car, carry
    it all into the house, and you will receive picture of
    a football stadium in return. You will then come home
    and take down your Monet print to display the photo,
    right next to the dogs playing poker painting your
    spouse hung.

    You will be told, in 100% honesty how big your butt
    looks in that dress.

    You will be asked 6 times per week whether this shirt
    goes with those socks. You will be yelled at for
    honest answers, and scorned when you lie.

    Every day, on the radio, on TV, and in the newspaper,
    you will be told how stupid you are, how stupid your
    gender is, and how lucky you are to have men in the
    world.

    At the end of the game, you will have to know
    unequivocally, that you, your desires and your dreams
    come in a distant third after your kids and your
    spouse.

    After the 6 weeks, you will be quizzed on what the
    infield fly rule is, what each child’s worst fear is
    and how to calm them down, how many shoes your spouse
    bought during the 6 weeks, the difference between a
    full-back and a half back, the difference between
    man-to-man and zone defense, the location of the
    baseball, football, and basketball halls of fame, your
    spouse’s favorite flowers, colors, restaurants,
    clothing stores, shoe size, dress size, birthstone,
    where you met, what you were wearing, what your spouse
    was wearing, and the appropriate tip for a 41.89
    dinner bill and delivery bill (no cheat sheets).

    The kids vote them off the island, out loud, in front
    of everybody.

    The last woman wins if and only if she can play a game
    of 3-on-1 basketball with their kids and let them win
    by a close margin without making it look obvious.

    After 18 years of this, you will have earned the right
    to be called Dad. And there will be the proper amount
    of respect and fear in their voices when they utter
    it. Not father. That’s for priests.

     

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