share some thoughts

Sunday, November 20, 2005


Was playing a game today, and in between levels, they give me this tip of the day thing. Usually i just disregard those, or sometimes they can make me smile. today one stopped me, because it struck me as true. And I have done it to others, and it has been done to me. And I thought, maybe I should work on this thing. A lot of the people I know would like me better.. :)

It goes something like this:

"Don't screw up an apology by giving excuses for yourself"

sometimes the reason or excuse for which you do something does of course make the deed more forgivable, but if there is no real excuse, then trying to give explainations is more for your benifit rather than the other person's. It is for your own self esteem, to feel that you are not so bad. Sometimes it is impotant to ackowledge that we are not angels, and that we can sometimes make mistakes, pure and simple. Then, maybe we can avoid making the same mistake again and again. And If you do apologize, mean it. Don't just say it to get it over with.

Sometimes i get an apology for someting, and the same thing gets repeated over and over, and then my question is: were you really sorry? did you even listen to me when i told you i was upset?

I remember once, there was this incident with someone, where I got really upset. And I could not let it go. The reaction of the other person was as follows:

first reaction was: Ignore it, it will pass.
Second reaction (when a day passed and i was still upset): anger, it is not your place to be upset!
third reaction: (when another day has passed and i am still upset: "I Don't understand why you are so upset"

Fourth reaction:

after a third day of being upset, and a verbal storm on my side, letting all of my anger out, and in a lot of aggressive words too.: "Ok, i am sorry. See how understanding i am. I am taking all of your shouting, because i know you have the right to be upset. I will make it up to you. How about I take you out to lunch to your favorite place?" after which: Are you ok now? Of course i was, and the episode ended there.

Some time later; for some reason it came up, and quite coolly and simply, I got this:
Of course i did not feel you were entitled to be upset. i don't think I was wrong, but i just wanted to get it over with, so we can have a good time!

And just like that, the apology was as good as taken back. and the lunch was wasted. because the point is... if something upset me so much, then acknowledge that you might be wrong, and don't take me 3ala add 3akly we khalas!

And if you do that one day, for the sake of keeping the peace, don't insult me, by telling me so later. What upset me was, this was one of the rare times that I got an apology from that person. And that was why I liked it, and for it , let the issue go. But if you just use it we khalas, and don;t mean it, then words are cheap, which is something I just read on Loulou's post on forgiveness. But not all words are cheap...An Honest person's word is worth the world... a dishonest person's word is not worth the breath with which it was said.


  • At 11/21/2005 6:38 AM, Blogger LouLou said…

    Saba7 Elkhair,

    "But not all words are cheap...An Honest person's word is worth the world..."

    Doshar don't put too much stock on words. Having a way with words is a skill that not everyone has. Someone can really care about you & have your best interests at heart but they can simply lack this skill. Not everyone knows how to apologize gracefully. And there are those who would give you an eloquent apology that would touch your heart & not mean a word of it - simply because they're skilled at using words to manipulate you, at telling you what you want to hear.

    Yes words are nice but try to look at what is underneath because that's what really counts. If you know the person, if you trust them, if you feel they have affection for you then that's what counts. It could be misplaced pride or stubbornness that makes it so hard for them to apologize. But the bottom line is he or she cared enough about you that they couldn't leave you upset, kept trying to make you feel better & didn't stop until you did. More important someone who cares that much probably never meant to upset you in the first place. Whether they said it or not they clearly didn't like seeing you upset and will be more careful next time. Sometimes you need to look beyond words to see more subtle meanings.

    And sometimes you have to accept that someone has some personality flaw that makes them behave in a way you don't like sometimes. Yes you should make it clear it upsets you when it happens & with time they'll do it less & less but don't expect perfect results everytime. Sometimes lazim tit7amali if the person & the relationship are worth it. Remember that you're not perfect either & for sure you step on their toes sometimes whether you know it or not & they put up with you.

  • At 11/21/2005 8:29 AM, Blogger Charismatic Soul said…

    I agree with Lou, doshar, words can be of no use if you dont know where they're coming from.

    Action speaks louder then words, some times a small gesture, means alot more than a word, at the end of the day, you dont know where it came from, whether its sincere, or there are some hidden intentions behind it, i dont wanna sound paranoid, but for me, words is the easiest way out, and never counts, and its very rare when you feel a sincere apology by just saying "sorry".

  • At 11/21/2005 10:13 PM, Blogger Wonderer said…

    Doshar, you have a great post here. It strucks me to the extend that I don't know what to say.

    Loulou & Chari,
    You are saying that actions speak better than words. However, we are talking about apology! It kills me when I am waiting for an apology and instead I receive a casual everyday sentence, like for example, how are you today?, as if nothing has happened.

    Like I said in one of my posts, a good word can raise me over the clouds while a bad word can deeply hurt me.

  • At 11/21/2005 11:52 PM, Blogger doshar said…

    chari and loul: you have a point of course, this is why, i did not cause a problem then. But i was irritated. and looking back, the problem that had happened to upset me, was kind of repeated over and over. Sometimes it takes more than just wanting things to blow over to make things right. depends on the size of the situation. if it is just a harsh word, that can pass. other situations have to be resolved honestly to avoid bigger problems when this occurs again. which is what exaclty happened.


    you seem to understand what i talk about from experience... It is frustrating right? just blocks comunication after a while. and it piles up!
    i see words as important, but they have to be backed up by actions. one without the other is like walking on one leg.


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