Forgive and Forget
i always hear the phrase forgive and forget. forgiving is good, sometimes more for the forgiver than the forgiven. and that is why a lot of people try to do it. also we want God to forgive us, so we should forgive if we can.
but the forget part, not that easy.
i can usually forgive things, even big ones, but of course, I am human, somethings i can not. but the problem is I don't forget. I mean with big things of course.
especially if it is someone close, I forgive sometimes because I feel the relationship is more precious than to jeopardize over every little thing. even the big ones,I usually cherish my relationships more than anything and could go through heck of a lot before I give up on someone. But it is like it is on a stand-by button. asleep. not forgotten. Even though I can deal with them normally after forgiving them, and feel even normal towards them, it is not forgotten.
I know that because when something else comes up, another mistake, I remember the old ones that I have already forgiven. it is as if they accumulate all of a sudden. and then I realize I hadn't actually forgiven them from my heart, I just let it pass and ignored it so that life can go on (el markem temshy as they say)
so I see, to forgive someone, you have to feel that this person actually is sorry. find excuses for it. and find closure for every situation before you move on.
I don't know if this means I have a hard heart. I hope not. I don't like holding grudges. but if someone hurts me and does nothing to amend, or is not sorry lets say, it is difficult to actually throw these things away. and usually the second time around has a much more severe reaction. like allergies, you know, you are sensitized the first time with no great damage, but the second time : anaphylactic shock.
next time someone I care for bothers me, I will try to resolve it first before jumping to forgive so readily. maybe they will think again before they do it again. if I forgive, it has to be the forgive and forget type. no use in just putting up on the shelf.
sorry for tha nakad. not feeling my best today
but the forget part, not that easy.
i can usually forgive things, even big ones, but of course, I am human, somethings i can not. but the problem is I don't forget. I mean with big things of course.
especially if it is someone close, I forgive sometimes because I feel the relationship is more precious than to jeopardize over every little thing. even the big ones,I usually cherish my relationships more than anything and could go through heck of a lot before I give up on someone. But it is like it is on a stand-by button. asleep. not forgotten. Even though I can deal with them normally after forgiving them, and feel even normal towards them, it is not forgotten.
I know that because when something else comes up, another mistake, I remember the old ones that I have already forgiven. it is as if they accumulate all of a sudden. and then I realize I hadn't actually forgiven them from my heart, I just let it pass and ignored it so that life can go on (el markem temshy as they say)
so I see, to forgive someone, you have to feel that this person actually is sorry. find excuses for it. and find closure for every situation before you move on.
I don't know if this means I have a hard heart. I hope not. I don't like holding grudges. but if someone hurts me and does nothing to amend, or is not sorry lets say, it is difficult to actually throw these things away. and usually the second time around has a much more severe reaction. like allergies, you know, you are sensitized the first time with no great damage, but the second time : anaphylactic shock.
next time someone I care for bothers me, I will try to resolve it first before jumping to forgive so readily. maybe they will think again before they do it again. if I forgive, it has to be the forgive and forget type. no use in just putting up on the shelf.
sorry for tha nakad. not feeling my best today
posted by doshar @ 7/12/2005 04:23:00 PM
6 Comments:
At 7/12/2005 7:19 PM,
roora said…
hi doshar
i agree with that , we should try to reconcile with ourself and with those who hurt us before we forgive, if we dont have to deal with them and they arent close we can ignore him or her
but if close we have to make a stand and see where to stand and out rules , either u feel good withg ir or not
u have to tell the person by what bothers u so it wont accumulate or else it will only turn to worse and one day u will find urself screaming in their faces
At 7/13/2005 2:16 PM,
Alina said…
Well, Doshar, I forgave a lot but there are still things I cannot forget! But I don't think that is a very bad thing, I guess it is sometimes a way to protect yourself! It is easy to forgive, easier that forgetting, anyway. But if you forgot something, wouldn't it be easier to get hurt or disappointed in the same way again?
I think we should keep all our memories, good and bad, just make peace with the past and trust it to help you decide better in the future.
At 7/13/2005 4:17 PM,
doshar said…
yeah kayla you are right. just last night i forgave something that i know i won't forget easily. so i am not sticking strictly to the forgive and forget only policy after all. welcome back. you are back aren't you?
At 7/13/2005 7:56 PM,
Paul said…
With any breach of trust, it does put you on "stand by," or alert, until the person has convincingly won your trust back. I don't see how you can totally forget. Violations of trust are memorable.
I think worst of all is when another person has seriously harmed our bodies, and left us with permanent disability and pain. Forgetting is impossible. Forgiving is difficult.
At 7/14/2005 1:56 AM,
doshar said…
"I think worst of all is when another person has seriously harmed our bodies, and left us with permanent disability and pain. Forgetting is impossible. Forgiving is difficult."
very true. the fact is the effect of this harm is still there to remind us. as long as you suffer, how can you let go. it is also applicable for severe psychological trauma when it leaves a lasting effect. some emotional scars go deeper and last longer than any physical scar, and are more difficult to ignore.
amazingly, regarding the harming of bodies thing, i heard somewhere a story (i think it was on jay leno's tongiht show, don't know hoow reliable that is) about someone who shot his wife in the head, she is completely paralyzed, and yet was very upset that the judge sentenced him to nine years in prison. apparently she is still very much in love with him!
At 7/15/2005 4:26 PM,
Alina said…
I am trying...I'm still on vacation, but can't stay away from the net that long! :))
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