What are the options?

Sometimes I really need a way out, and there is nothing I can do. then one day, a door opens, an option is introduced, then I think about it a while, is this it?

A door opens yes, but sometimes it is not right for me. No. I feel I can not go through. This option doesn't get me out. takes me somewhere else maybe, but doesn't get me out. Then I grudgingly pass this door, afraid to go through, it doesn't feel right. I can't use this option.

then I sit and wait, waiting for another way out. Sometimes thoughts come back to haunt you. Was that the right door? The one you just let go by? Did I miss my chance? Was I wrong? then I say, well it didn't feel right, so I couldn't have gone through. It was not really an option after all. I just couldn't do it.

Another door looms ahead. Yes, this is it.. I feel hopeful. Then as it approaches, i get scared again. Is this the correct way out? It is risky, very risky. I know i sound like a hesitant person for someone who needs a way out.. but the way out should not feel this way. It should not feel like a logical decision. It should feel like something your soul longs to do. Will I let this door go by too?


And then I sit and think, is something wrong with me? Why am I unable to go through? Am i still clinging to that old place, which does not belong to me? I hope not. there is no door going there I think, and even if there is, don't want to go there any more.

But I so want the feeling I had there. But in a better place. A real place that is mine.. not fake.

As I sit and wait for my door, I realize that nothing is in my hands, I ask God to show me the way, send me a door, make it just right for me. And make me want to go through. all I can say is La 7awl wala kowwa illa billah.