share some thoughts

Saturday, July 23, 2005

separation anxiety

Separation anxiety often refers to a psychological condition usually affecting young children. It is characterized by severe anxiety and disturbance at the prospect of separation from someone who cares and loves them, and whom they depend on greatly. This figure is usually the mother, more often than the father. It usually is manifested in the first days of school or day care. Kids usually cry and scream and throw on a tantrum. They are afraid that they would not be ok I guess without their mothers.

This still exists in us as adults as well. It is after all a human emotion that does not just expire. The child inside us does indeed exist, pardon the cliché, and he/she is apparent when you have your favorite ice cream, or when you blush when embarrassed, or when you are playing a game. The child is very subdued though. To different degrees in different people. The most pretentious have it really suppressed, while the easy going down to earth are the most to let it free.

Anyway, the child inside us is a whole other story. Maybe later. The separation anxiety in us, when do we feel it? When we depart from anything/one that has been around us for a long time. I personally get very emotionally attached to people and even things the longer they are around. I still have some of my school stuff till now, and I am currently doing my PhD!! But it is better. Much better. We don’t really cry or throw tantrums anymore do we?

It is most apparent when you are in love or have been in a long term relationship. Some women stay in terrible marriages, because they can’t bear the separation. They don’t know what will tomorrow be like. The familiar is good. We have an Egyptian saying “elly ne3rafo a7san men elly mane3rafoosh” means what we know is better than what we don’t.

I was in a position once where I was in a bad situation and I wasn’t able to get out of it, for the fear of this anxiety. But I was forced out of it actually. And now I thank God I was, I didn’t have the courage to do it myself. And guess what, I realized that life goes on. We don’t need and shouldn’t depend on someone or something else to make us ok. Someone I really loved once told me “separation is the constant of life. Everything in life, either one day you will leave it, or it will leave you. Death sees to that” and she was so right of course. (another example of what she said, she died recently. And so we are separated. And I miss her terribly, and love her, but have to find my strength elsewhere).

So, now I realize that I have to find my solace in my own self and heart, and with my relationship with God. God will never leave. Wherever we go, we can count on Him to be there. And listen.

And we do need people in our lives of course, but our life can’t depend on a one certain person. Only on God. And having faith in that, God will never let you be alone. My best best friend left for Canada a few months ago. And I got a bit worried about that. But I thought, God is here, he will compensate me. And He did. 2 of my best friends now had been estranged from me for years and they both just called out of the blue at about the time she left. And they have been close and supportive. Dalulla if you are reading this, you are one of them.

So, I guess no more separation anxiety I hope. I know life goes on, and if you need someone’s care and support, you know God will never leave you.


  • At 7/23/2005 11:20 PM, Blogger irina said…

    I don't think this has to do of the fear of being abandoned or of the fear of loneliness. It is the fear of losing something beautiful, something that makes your life worth living.
    My best friend went to Switzerland for studies and we can't talk as often as before... So I know what you mean. I am also going to live for a year in a foreign country, and I guess I will get attached to some people there.
    You are so right... The most constant friend we have got is God...

  • At 7/24/2005 2:00 AM, Blogger roora said…

    doshar, yeah having faith in God, is the most thing that makes you out, of course we should try and do our efforts, but there are things that we have totally no hand in it and we should belive that God's mercy will help us out, like what you said about your friend who travelled and God compensated you by two others.

    i know what you are saying about being anxious , yes sometimes you woud rather be in a relation that is nonsense and sometimes drive you mad and depressed rather than giving it up and being alone , maybe bec we got to something , and we are afraid after we used to this relation or feeling of being alone again or missing that thing sfter getting used to it. and sometimes you cant get out of this thing but God's mercy helps you to get out even if you dont have the enpugh strength to do that and later we recongnize that this was for the best , but we just could nt take the step , and God made it for us bec we cant , i experienced that myself and now i say thanks God, it is God's way no matter what.

    sorry for the long post

  • At 7/24/2005 1:25 PM, Blogger Dalulla said…

    Ya Doshar ya habebty i hear u loud and clear.. I have the pleasure to be a friend of yours.. By the way, I was in a similar situation, only i had no more close friends around whom i could relate to.. only aquaintences.. Then we got reunited.. It is the Lord's mysterious way of showing mercy and compassion.. He knows our needs best and answers to our heart calls when we need it the most, in His best way.

    Trusting in God explicitly and knowing down deep inside He will always fill your heart and mind with peace is not something easy yet easy at the same time. It all depends on how much you Truely BELIEVE in his powers and how much you leave yourself to His mercy and guidance. I am glad we both have this bit in us, and i am sure every one can have it too.. We all just need to believe GOD TRUELY does answer our prayers and doua'as, but we need to try hard enough with lots of never ending strong Faith and trust in Allah.

  • At 7/25/2005 6:41 AM, Blogger nana said…

    Hi Ya Doo,
    Your friend , the one who is in Canada, really misses you.
    I know exactly what you mean about this separation anxiety. It is something you don't have control on. But i wish god help us to get over it.

  • At 7/25/2005 11:51 AM, Blogger doshar said…

    nana.. can't believe it! please pinch me. you actually came in, read my blog and even left a comment!!!

    i miss you girl. see you on msn ISA

  • At 7/25/2005 12:28 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    Well, Doshar, a lot could be said on this topic, starting with the anxiety children feel when involved in their parents' divorce.
    But what I wanted to comment on is women staying in bad relationships. It's not only their anxiety, their fear, it is also they way people look at them. The society, no matter how open minded we want it to be, still believes the family is the cell of the society, in Romania at least. And also we try to build shelters for abused women and children, although divorce lawyers are making a lot of money, certain people still look at you in a certain way if you actually get a divorce or if you are 20 something and still not permenently involved.
    Separation anxiety and emotional addiction are something you have to fight with at the end of a relationship. But then there's the "Why did you break up/divorce" or "What went wrong (read what did you do wrong here)?" questions that really kill your independent mood.
    We've been raised with "ever after" stories of people getting married and then sticking together until the end of their life. Divorce is still seen as something to be ashamed of, so it the failure in keeping a relationship stable. No one bothers to evaluate the causes, they only evaluate the consequences...
    Ok, I am a bit off topic here, but I think you can understand my point. :)

  • At 7/25/2005 1:53 PM, Blogger doshar said…

    I do understand your point.
    amazing, this society's effect on our personal lives part. i thought it was more related to certain cultures only, but i guess it is a world wide phomenon. in Egypt, there is this pressure of course, but i think it is getting less.

    50 years ago for ex. divorce was a taboo.. even though it is legal by law and religion. and the worst part is.. it is the women who are tabooed (there must be something wrong with her). divorce for reasons of un compatible personalities or emotions were unheard of. no way is it a good reason. it had to be a tragedy or mortal thing to think of divorce.

    but i think it is better a bit now because i see more and more divorce cases everyday.not saying it is a good thing, but it means people are not so afraid to get out of something that is not good for them.

    the pressure to get into a permanent relationship is worse, because it can cause you to get into an unsuitable relationship; where you either suffer in silence again for society's sake. or get divorced.

    society is very damaging in its judgemental attitude. also in its nosiness and mercilessness. (is that a word? mercilessness?)

    but i guess we need to try to ignore society. they won't be around when you are unhappy at home. and as you said, they wouldn't be supportive when things do go wrong. i know this is easier said than done, especially in a middle eastern country. and if you do it, you might be labelled as wild or a rebel. but we have to find a balance.

  • At 7/26/2005 1:17 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    "if you do it, you might be labelled as wild or a rebel. but we have to find a balance" - I guess the ballance could be found in the fact that your life is your own, a gift to you from God, however he is called! And you will be the only one responsible for how you live it! You won't be able to blame society for it...


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