share some thoughts

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Big Boys Don't Cry

Crying, everyone does it. What does it mean?

Just a secretion of our lachrymal glands?
How come it is such a relief to cry? Whenever emotions soar high, whether sad or happy or just touched, it is like a pressure valve that opens to let out the excess emotions that would probably just cause you to burst other wise? Like the slow cooker that lets off the steam (extra emotions here) when the pressure inside is too much.

Sometimes it is so relieving to cry. A good cry... I call it. Especially when it is not something sad, just stress or frustrations. If I get it out in tears I kind of feel much better.

Actually I feel like that right now. I feel a bit tired and need to unburden. Not upset about anything, just a bit over whelmed. But I think the level is not that high yet.

They say one of the signs of a merciful person is that his tears are near. A hard hearted person would not cry easily. I know men don't really like to cry. Especially in public. Having emotions is normal. I personally would prefer guys let off the steam in silent tears rather than in a temper. I say this and yet I would feel awkward to see a grown man cry so easily. Not because it is wrong, but because I feel he would feel uncomfortable, or because they would not want to feel that they can be emotionally overwhelmed.

It is true that when a man cries in the presence of a woman, he feels like he is totally exposed and vulnerable. this had happened before with me, seeing a man cry in front of me when I know he has been struggling to keep it in. when I tried to comfort him (I didn't feel judgmental, just wanted to comfort him) he was very surprised. He said that no one had ever done that with him before.

I couldn't believe it. How come? He told me that once, he had a girl friend that he loved and had dumped him. When he cried, she said that if she had any doubts before, now she is sure, how could she be with someone so weak!!!

Crying is normal. For everyone. It is relieving. Ok, our pressure valves are set to different levels, but that doesn’t make anyone weak, just emotional.

Girls are so lucky in this aspect; they cry on each other's shoulders all the time, and the more the tears, the more the support.


  • At 7/29/2005 2:46 AM, Blogger Dalulla said…

    another social forced idea.. THe part of men not crying i mean. The sa7aba used to cry.. many incidents mentioned that the Prophet himself cried! Omar Ibn Al khattab and many other respected figures.

    Society, in my opinions forces strange belifs and opinions and what is funny people let these ideas control them in such a negative way! Society ruined so many beautiful meanings in life.

    I personally never allowed that to happen to me. I always just stuck to what i know is religiously correct. I feel that tradition and society do not help one much. what should tie us all down are religious and ethical rules of conduct.

    I feel men should let their tears out if they feel it, regardless of what most people will think. If it becomes a habit, after a while it will be normal. It always starts with one person then the habit spreads, and after a while, it becomes a norm. but it seems not many have the courage to do it, because to let your tears it, it is a courageous thing. People's understanding of courage is so strange. Things that really are courageouse took lables that are so false now a days. like aplogizing for instance. People will take that as a weakness, while truely it is a very strong thing to do. To be able to admit you are wrong and that you are willing to correct yourself or your wrong doing is a very strong thing to do. But again, many true meanings have been altered in such a negative way.

  • At 7/29/2005 9:29 AM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Very true and wise words.
    But, I do not know I don't like to cry infront of everyone except those who are closest to me but now i try my best to when i cry, I cry alone.
    I guess it is safer this way.

  • At 7/29/2005 11:27 AM, Blogger irina said…

    My dear ones,
    There is a time for tears and there is a time for holding back the tears.
    I don't mind men or women crying. It is important though what the reason for that is. That prophet you mentioned must have had a very deep reason. It is ok to be weak, we all are in a way let's face it. But we might need to hold back the tears not for the others to respect us, but for our own self respect. We all know the persons who can comfort us, so we can cry in front of them. Sometimes we meet a total stranger and we feel so close to him|her, it's ok to cry in front of them too, depending again on the respective matter. But crying in public... it is another issue. If you got fired for example, would you cry and beg for mercy?

  • At 7/29/2005 11:47 AM, Blogger doshar said…

    yes irina, crying in public is not always wise. not everyone is our friend. especially when in a beaten state. it makes you feel more beaten. i understand that of course.

    but with men, it is almost absolute. they almost never cry! i never saw my father cry for instance except once when his mother died. but as you said, everything has a time and place.

    and i didn't mean in public as in front of everyone, i mean in front of someone suitable as you said. most of my crying i do on my own. especially the ones involving letting out stress and frustration. i am not good at public display of affection . get embarassed some how.

  • At 7/29/2005 12:30 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    Well, I am the kind of person that holds back the tears when the ones around me are not close friends. I don't everyone to see me crying and I admit it is a question of pride.
    But I had this period in my life, last summer actually, when I was really weak, broken, torn, well, I was really down. And couldn't stop crying in front of everybody. Looking back, I hope I could have had a bit more strength. Because some of the people that saw me cry were really pleased to see me like that. And to that kind of persons I really don't like giving satisfaction!
    I have my moments of silent crying. Mostly on my own, with my music and my time and place. The rest of the time, I can pretty much control my tears, uless it is something really bad...But it hasn't been the case for some time, thnak God!

  • At 7/29/2005 9:51 PM, Blogger MoonLightShadow said…

    I'm the kind of person who holds back her tears. I don't let tears out in public for two reasons.

    First, I don't like to be asked for the reason of crying. Second, I don't like to have the sympathy of people around.

    I know they have nothing in hand to do for me, but they will keep trying in a way that I don't like.

    When it comes to guys, I feel that they try hard not to let their tears out in public. I can see that in my brother. Many times it happens that he is under a heavy burden, and I feel his eyes are crying, but he never let it out. I've always tried to make him take it easy, and let these tears out, coz I see nothing shameful in that.

  • At 7/30/2005 1:31 AM, Blogger Paul said…

    It is possible to cease to cry because one is beyond help. It isn't an effort. The tears come to know they are useless - this is the briefest way I can describe it. This happened to me after watching my body deteriorate for several years, with medical attention either doing nothing or making things worse.

    So for about six years, I have almost literally not shed a tear. The four or five times I have, it was mainly just watery eyes - maybe twice, actual tears.

    And of these four or five times, almost all, maybe there was one exception, were not from sadness, but from being moved - in response to something beautiful or good.

    I haven't thought about this, but I do wonder about the tears that come from being moved - what that's all about. Hmm... I think I have an idea. Anyone else?

  • At 7/30/2005 12:38 PM, Blogger irina said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 7/30/2005 12:40 PM, Blogger irina said…


    I think it is a wonderful thing that your tears came from being moved and not from anger.
    I have cried with anger sometimes, but not often. And I guess we women cry a lot more often when we are moved (remember crying at a movie, or reading a book, or listening to someone pour out his/her heart? ...Girls?)...
    I remember crying when I read the end of Beethoven´s life by Romain Rolland... He was deaf but still in front of his orchestra in a concert. When he finished he felt good. Just gazing at his people. And then one of them came to him and turned him towards the audience... they were all standing and applauding with smiley faces and watery eyes...

  • At 7/30/2005 1:27 PM, Blogger roora said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 7/30/2005 1:29 PM, Blogger doshar said…

    paul, yes some times your tears just dry up when it is a chronic thing. it is more like an old wound, not bleeding anymore, though it is still there, the emotional effect of it might be different with time. maube each wound has a certain quota of tears after which they serve no purpose?

    "but I do wonder about the tears that come from being moved - what that's all about. Hmm... I think I have an idea."

    you have an idea? please share

  • At 7/30/2005 3:01 PM, Blogger roora said…

    hi doshar, i belive that crying is one of the ways through which you get your stress out and feel by more relief.
    sometimes you feel stressed and when you cry you feel better, it is mercy from God you know.

    honestly i would rather cry by my own not because it is ashame but because if i felt like crying bec of being stressed or for even being happy, it takes its moment with me , and i actually feel to have it to get relief.

    but if it was infront of people it will not take its moment, and pass, there will be more sympathy from the others that might turn it worse, instead of having it in a second, it will take a while.

    but at the end it is not ashame tab3an to cry infront of people, who said so.

  • At 7/31/2005 4:11 AM, Blogger Paul said…

    Doshar, just a glimmer, not really thought out... But maybe we cry over things that are beautiful and good because sometimes these things can be so fleeting. And there is a sense of possiblity unrealized, a sense that joy somehow ought to live more largely and widely in the world.


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